Nathan (2)

TW

Nathan (1)

TW

Looking back at it, these kinda feel dramatic. Here's the first one anyway: 

The boy figure on the bottom right is inspired from this scene in the anime movie "Colorful" (2010) highly recommended by the way.

8th March, 2023; Wednesday.

Hi, today my mom invited a few neighbors over for lunch. One of them came into my room. I've been living in this house for almost seven years now. Yesterday I had to clean my room because the guests were coming. I have three "sketchbooks". One is for weird, trippy drawing, the other one is to practice portraits - I basically trace faces- and try using watercolor again even though I don't own any as of now, the third one was supposed to be a practice sketchbook but I made it a vent one. Anyway, my neighbor comes and picks up the vent notebook and it felt so weird, I'm trying to take it back or show some previous pages that were nice. Remember the series "Nathan", that's in that notebook. She said people who draw have a good handwriting and started reading done random page from the series. I also use a lot of curse words in that notebook, and there are knives and blades and stuff. It felt weird. 

Only one exam is left. I'm afraid I'll fail this entire term. This was supposed to be the second most important exam of my life after college entrance exams. I ruined it. But I studied. That's what I did whole year. I tried. My neighbor was shocked about the number of textbooks I have. Later I went outside to greet the others because if I didn't it'd be disrespectful. They all started saying, " You've gotten so fat" in an ironic way. One of the ladies wrapped her fingers around my arms and her fingers touched and she said I need to "eat more". All of this is funny. Because I've gained weight over the past month. Sometimes I just think they're jealous. One of the ladies was telling how hard it is to fast for her and someone said that she should ask me for "tips". I had a terrible stomachache and was forced to eat lunch. They were teasing about the quantity of food I took. 

The worst part about all this is that irrespective of how much I fast or study, I don't get the results, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. People tell me how thin I've become and my weight has hardly changed. They say how I'm buried in books but I barely pass. The other day my mom said how much I've improved over the last few months and then started pointing how I'm just becoming worse. She didn't do it intentionally. 

My friends at school seem so distant. Whatever they were, they seem blurred now. I try to be positive and think how I can finally hate my school completely. I was not upset on the last day of school but I felt weird. My life is very repetitive. It's like everyday is the same with minor changes, like a videogame character probably. I don't know what will happen to me after this and it's scary. Will I pass highschool exams and get good grades? Will I pass the collage admission tests? Will I stay back a year and prepare for the college exams? With all the failure, will I resort to the old ways? It really is scary. Growing up. Not knowing what comes next. Maybe like waking on a frozen lake unaware when the ice might break and you'll drown. It's all so scary.