can't sleep. it's 2am and I gotta wake up at 5am

If I could go back in time and change one thing it would probably be stopping myself from telling my mom about him. I genuinely have no 'spirit' to live. I would've killed myself. Also, I didn't watch porn. I had to eat breakfast. I starved for the rest of the day. Three girls from my hostel said they'll only go to eat if I go. What I did was make kheer instead. I didn't taste the kheer obviously. I will eat well tomorrow. It's Sunday. They make a nice breakfast and dinner. I feel guilty. For spending so much money. I don't know what I was on back then. I have like 11,000 now in my account. Mom asked me to send her a thousand earlier today. I told my mom I had around 19,000 in my account and with me sending her money it should be 18,000 according to her but then there's still 7,000 missing and it's a huge amount. Also, I don't know how will I 'hide' the skincare stuff when I go home. I hate spending money I didn't earn. I did spend it though. I also bought a bit of makeup stuff because I wanted to be girly and female enough, but I only told my mom about two lip glosses. I don't know how to tell her about the others. At times I feel like my parents resent me. I know that they know how much if a waste I am of time and money. I feel sorry for them. Lately it's so hard to think straight. I am tensed about my upcoming exams. Whenever I am tensed, I take up an addiction. I'm so lightheaded these days because of starving. I'm so hungry right now. I drank enough water though. The skincare products don't seem to work to be honest. But I'll try having faith. Every time I look at my dual toned lips I wanna rip them off. My gallery is filled with bodychecks and picture of my acne. Why do I make myself miserable? Also, I feel like I could never make a real friend out of Bristol because she would H A T E me if she found out stuff about me. It really hurts when my mom commented on my self harm and then Bristol said she'd never be friends with someone who self-harms. If she ever happens to find that out about me and still stays a friend, I know it won't be genuine and just her good nature and sympathy. I would like to have a friend to confide in and who would accept me, since I was a kid and I promise to be the same to them. But it's hard. 

I may be terrible for saying this but sometimes I wish he fucks me so that I can finally kill myself in utter shame. Not that I am not ashamed enough now but 'this shame' comes in phases and waves but 'that shame ' would hit me like a truck.

I still remember back in fifth or sixth grade at night my mom was scrolling through Facebook and came across this post of a girl who was almost as old as me, ten or eleven, was found raped and probably like kept in an acid barrel or something. A few days later it turns out it was her uncle (father's brother) who did it. I had several thoughts and one of them was that would he do this to me and if I tell my mom will he give me the same consequences as her? I remember as my mom told me about it, she used to word 'rape' and I pretended to not know it and she gave me a very childish explanation for that. I remember my mom telling a neighbor how she (my mom) is teaching my siblings about good touch and bad touch and feeling so proud to be "open minded" while I was being bad touched all along. I have always hated my body. At times I don't take a shower just because I don't want to touch myself. One of the reasons I have an eating disorder is that when he assaulted me, he used to hold my breasts from behind the chair and my size was 34 C around then. His had used to fit on my breasts. The last time I bought bras which was ig 2022 I was a 32C and I was actually happy because they would no longer perfectly fit in his hands. I remember reading Looking for Alaska and feeling weird at the parts where  Miles touches Alaska's breasts. I remember how sometime in March of 2020 my mom ordered four burgers and one was for him. When he came my siblings were watching tv and I was studying alone in my room. He came to my room but I ran off to the sofa but that wouldn't stop him. He turned off the lights and stated touching me as usual in front of my siblings when I demanded to let go, he put his hand under my pajamas and spank my vagina from like between my hips while saying that he would let me eat his burger if I let him have his way. Every single time I eat a burger which is probably twice or thrice a year this 'event' always pops up in my head. I swear I'd be a better person only if I could let him go off my mind. Every time I go out, I feel scared of how people look at me. I walk very fast. I never want to be assaulted ever again. I haven't been assaulted this year in any way and I hope it stays that way for the rest of my life. Even when I die because necrophilia is a real thing.