it's 5:31 am and I want to dieeee

I didn't sleep. I tried distracting myself by watching "All about Lily Chou Chou". I've wanted to watch it for years. I only watched an hour if it. I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I've tried everything that helps me distract from it except cutting. I not only have a boxcutter but an actual knife. Every time I want to cut, I look at my left thigh. I can't stop if I start again and I know it. Very well. And when I cut due to anger I cut deep. I can't afford to go to the hospital at this hour. And honestly if I do any sort of physical harm to myself people will think I did it due to academic pressure.

He will turn 36 this year. He was probably twenty-two or twenty-three when he started it I believe. Someday I'll be that age. It's disgusting to think about. His birthday is probably on 6th of October. My head hurts too much. I did take disprin. I have nine more pills left. Should I overdose? I won't die I know that, my motive is to stop this headache anyway.  Whenever I think about him it's so hard to breathe. It's almost as if my body is repulsed by the fact that I let someone to something like that to it.

I can't sleep. I feel dizzy. I feel weak. Vulnerable. I can't go on live my life like this.

Sometimes it doesn't even feel like I'm living but rather distracting myself from thinking about it. I need to hurt him. Forgiveness isn't something I know. I want revenge. My lips are chapped even though I use two different products on them. Fuck. Head hurts. Stomach hurts. Mom would say I'm pretending as usual. Why won't mom acknowledge that something bad happened to me?

I tried protecting my siblings as much as I could. I told my mom to not take them to his house. She wouldn't listen. She let him buy them stuff. Probably left them alone with him too. I believe I have scarred my siblings. That afternoon in late October when my sister waked in on me cutting and I made her promise me not to tell mom, but she was so scared for me she told mom. My brother found about it to eventually. My parents openly scolding me in front of them for cutting myself, or not eating or not socializing or whatever. Reader, do you think it'll affect them when they grow up? I hope not. I really want my siblings to like me. I've tried protecting them. I used to teach them karate back in sixth grade. They could barely talk. I taught them so that they're good at it when they grow up and no one can ever harm them. They'll get a green belt this year. I hope my siblings don't grow up to hate me.

I am yearning for a childhood. I am yearning to not remember any of that. Every single day it gets harder even though I keep telling myself I'll forget about it. It's been four years, and the pain just grows on me. My life, since the moment I saw my mom simply slap him has never been the same again. Sometimes I want my mom to choke me to death. It would've been definitely better that hurting him. Every single time my parents mock me for my self-harm it feels like how much they do not know me. They know N OT H I N G about me. Nothing. Is it really normal for your six-year-old daughter trying to hump her least favorite teddy bear?