Do you like the people you love?

My mother doesn't like me. I feel it. The only reason she loves me is because she gave birth to me, she gave a part of herself to me and she loves that part of herself in me instead of me. I feel it so often lately. Why didn't she believe me. Why did she say I was lying? Why would I lie? Why did I had to convince her for probably an hour that something happened to me? Why wouldn't she acknowledge when I tried to tell her about my past? Why did she only slap him? Why does she still visit his family where he literally lives? Why does she still force me to associate with the rest of his family members? Why does she hide it? Am I such a shame? Why does she shame me for cutting myself? Isn't she my mother? I just want her to like me.

As a kid she used to tell me she's tierd of me and someday a new mom will come and will be harsh on me. Sometime later I saw her change and since that day it didn't feel like she's my mom. She wore dark green that day.

At times I feel the opposite of hollow. He's touched me everywhere but left my virginity intact. Hollow on the outside. Sometimes I feel like cutting parts of me that he touched and give it to him in a transparent bag and let him do whatever he wants with it. 

I'm so passively suicidal. If I could kill myself in a situation which would be framed as an accident I would but sometimes I want people to know that I killed myself. I did this to myself. And it was not because I was mentally ill or something but someone, or rather some people did things to me that my action of suicide was rather a collective murder by them. 

In another universe my mom likes me. 

Nobody likes me. I don't like anyone. I don't like my parents because they NEVER understood how it affects me. I don't like my siblings because I feel so detached from them I feel like I can never be their "sibling" but rather some form of parent who is not a parent. Just a caretaker, a provider. I feel so jealous of the bond my sister and brother share because I will never have a similar bond with either of them. I don't like my friend Bristol because she would never accept me for the things I did to myself and I don't blame her for it. I don't like my friend Melbourne because to her I'm like a poster "9th grade bestfriend" that's all I am to her. She doesn't see the present me and it hurts because I still think of her at times someone I could be friends with because Melbourne used to say she relates to Charlie (perks of being a wallflower) but she never told me anything, she did tell Bristol and probably our other friends too. In highschool sometimes I saw cuts on Melbourne and I used to go back home and immediately cut myself in the bathroom and made sure my cuts were twice as deep as hers. Once I went and just fucking slashed both my thighs. I really want to get back to cutting lately, it's such a friend, a relief. But I know I'll get worse than before and it'll be harder to stop and harder to hide. Cutting is a best friend. Sometimes the big scar on my left thing hurts and I know I'm deeply upset. Sometimes I hate that scar and I want to cut it off my skin and sometimes I think the scar is what makes me. It's a part of me, likd a tattoo. 

Lately I've been getting envious of twenty one pilots because I want to have the kind of friendship that they have. I want to express my emotions how Tyler Joseph does in his songs but I can't. I hate it.