I skeep all say and stay away all night. It's 3:56 am. I can't stop crying. Lately I've began to hate my mother. Hate Her. Hate is a strong word. She keeps visiting his house. She still keeps relations with his family. If she even had an ounce of 'love' for me she would know that how much it hurts me. I even asked her once after building up a lot of courage to not go visit my aunt but guess what she said? " But she's your aunt". He has an elder brother who still visits us. I hate them all. All of them. His elder brother has a kid and I can't seem to like her. Rather I feel scared for her. What if he dies this to her too? I hope not. I really do hope not.
My mom was telling me how she bought be diamond earrings for my sixteenth birthday but they mean NOTHING to me. What I wanted was her to believe me. Deep inside it's not even an issue for her. Another good thing that would coume out of me being raped by him would be that she would probably take it seriously. Like goddamn it your daughter all of a sudden cuts herself, isolates herself, doesn't eat, doesn't talk, chops off her hair purposely to make herself uglier. Aaah yesss!! Just likd the fucking Facebook posts said!!!! My daughter will dislike me in her teenage years because it's her hormones!!!!! NI MOM IT'S NOT MY HORMONES IT'S YOU. IT'S FUCKING YOU.
I'm tierd of crying every single night. I'm so tired. And I yearn for someone to live me but I know that's not possible. My mom said she'd find someone to marr6me, an arrange marriage. I will be forced to love him. Is thag even love at that point? My mom doesn't know me, she doesn't know how I feel. If she ever chooses a husband he would not be right for me, I just know. It would be a traditional marriage of putting up with one another. I don't want that. I want to experience love, even if it exists at this point. The only thing I have to give is my virginity and I want to give it to someone I fucking love. Not dome guy. I still think about that event that happend during Holi where this girl won't let the other girls apply colour on her chest because she wanted to save it for her husband among the list of other things and I was so incredibly jealous. Plus she's pretty too. It reminds me that seventeen year old virgin from no longer human. I yearn to be pure, to be untouched. What did I do to deserve this? It's ruining my life. Or maybe it's just an excuse. But then, an excuse for what? I mean I genuinely hate him so much, so much, I have no words. I want to hurt him. I want to hurt him so bad. I want him to feel PAIN. Iwant him to know what it feels like to be ashamed of oneself. I want him to hurt himself. I want him to cut his fucking arteries and still survive because I want him to suffer. But it's real world so I might be at the receiving end, again. No one will ever love me. Ever.
I forgot to mention: there's a gym between his and our house. That's it. Anyway so in the middle of March or around that time I was on a call with my mom and I saw that she was bear the gym. I was so happy and asked her stuff about it and she said she'll join from Aril blah blah. I asked her about it almost everyday. She said shd was 90 kgsvanc do she had to do it. Cut to April, I ask my mom how was her first day at gum and she says she has got her period. I believed it. I ask her on the fourth when her period was supposed to be over. I ask her. She says she didn't join one. She was coming back from his house. She lied. I cried on the call in front of her. She says she did no wrong. She didn't lie about going to the gym, she just went alone with it. She thought it was funny. I was happy for her. I was hopeful for her. Why would she do this to me? She lied to me. She lied. She's a liar. She lied to me. She hurt my feelings. It's almost as if she was taking revenge on me for still cutting myself after she told md not to.
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