I love Stephanie Doo. She is so amazing talented and hilarious. Rotten Mango is an amazing podcast and I'm glad she has a husband because come on who wouldn't want to be with such an angel plus he's literally representing my thoughts and responses in her podcast which is just sheer bewilderment or a plain wtf at what these criminals do.
LOVE LOVE POVE BILLIE EILISH. I was listening to HIT ME HARD AND SOFT. The first song is SKINNY, and it has a lyric "21 took a lifetime" and I started thinking about it. 21 is my birthdate. 21 was the age Lil Peep died, as previously mentioned. 21 is probably the age he started doing things with me back in 2011/ 2012 even if it was plain kissing on the lips. I often want to die and then I find myself thinking how much I'd like to watch my siblings grow and how'd they look and be like as adults. I want to be there for them.
I want to change my blog address from " I was once here too" to " holes in my memory" but do I really have holes in my memory? I often fear what if he actually did something terrible to me. Like r-word shit but I don't think he would go that far. Everytime I think about his marriage I want to plunge Excalibur into me and be the new stone. I went to this birthday on the 3rd. His brother's wife was there with the daughter. I tried talking to her bit she ran away. She was in his arms the last time I saw him. The world is so bizarre. Why are kids so naive? My mom would ask his brother or him to babysit me or drop me at their place. Whatever memory I have of him as a kid, especially the ones where we're all alone, he's tried to do something bad with me, but the problem is I don't have many of them. Like I have this memory with his elder brother somewhere between 2008/2009 to early 2012. My mom had left me under his elder brother's care, and she had made puri and chole for him, probably me too. In my memory I'm feeding his cousin elder brother. It's a cute memory to be honest. I often fear I might find more but maybe I'm too deep into the victim complex trying to victimize myself and still blaming his past actions for my current failure. Recently on twitter there was this post for shtwt/edtwt asking who HADN'T been touched/groomed as a child and sadly a lot of people replied yes to that. What made me furious was this one comment which said " I wish it happened with me you guys are so lucky 🥺" as if everyone was getting free concert tickets. I went to their profile, and WE WERE MUTUALS. Ewwwwwwww.
I'm really tired of my acne. Not sure if my skincare products are working at all or if they're just slow. I gotta admit since May I've barely been regular though. It wasn't a big issue at the place I was last year because people there had acne or others developed acne after going there. It didn't matter much as studying was the goal. But back here, as much as I try not to be jealous, I can't help but stare at the clear skin my friends/ middle aged woman who actually just was their face/ even kids (because I'm horrible) have. My skin wasn't the best before going there either though. I had these whiteheads on my chin and would get random pimples. But now it's bad. There are SCARS on my FACE and these pimples are of all kinds my most hated ones being the hard ones like fuck you pimple go die, self-exit pimple pleaseeeeeeeee😭😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏.
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