Hedgehog's dilemma.

Today I went out with my friends. The same set of people who I met on 2nd of July. Bristol, S (the girl's whose house we went to) and A (the other girl). I feel this sort of distance from my friends. Me A and S went to Bristol's college to pick her up and go to a museum. I wanted to kill her classmate. Why am I so jealous of her? We saw Bristol's college and it's really pretty. I would like to describe it as serene. I plucked a flower and gave it to Bristol later. Bristol gave her lunch, which was a croissant to S. Bristol didn't have breakfast. Bristol has a low appetite. Does Bristol have an eating disorder? Anyway we went to the museum. A and S went to buy something to eat while Bristol stayed with me at the ticket counter. We were discussing about the weather because I simply can't make eye contact with her so I had nothing to talk about. I told her my t-shirt was fully cotton and she said her shirt was too and asked me to touch the material and I simply denied it with "no, thank you". It's hard to talk to people irl. I fear I might be rude to her because I just don't know what to say, my head is blank. Bristol is always nice to me. If seventh grade me knew about this Bristol and the fact that we're friends would have genuinely made my life a little better. We went to a bookstore. A Little Life was there. The cover of that book is my wallpaper and people know what that book is about so I said that I didn't read the book and I just liked the picture. Lies. We ate. Bristol and S ate white sauce paste while me and A ate fish and chips. I orderd so because of the protein. My friend, A literally barely ate the coating. Does she have an ED? Her thigs are thinner than mine, I couldn't help but notice. I tried eating less. I ate like five pieces of pasta. I shared with S a lot. Then dessert. I love sugar. At the last there was a little piece left. They divided it into four parts. I said I font want it but like Bristol actually fed it to me with her fucking spoon and even added a lil bit of ice cream in it. It was a shameful and embarrassing experience. Like it's just that I had to eat from the spoon which had Bristol's saliva and I believe it's not very hygienic. Also, tasting someone else's saliva brings back memories of his saliva in my mouth and on my skin and how terrible I thought it tasted and smelled. Anyway, we got out. Walked around. Bristol and S went back home while me and A went to a different place. 

I feel like the more I happen to like Bristol the more it hurts me. It's like what if she finds out certain things about me and decides to leave me. What if she already knows most of that and is probably just trying to keep it cool until she can't. What if anything happens at all. Anything that I won't like. It's easier to interact with my other friends as compared to Bristol irl because they don't know much about me. I only invited Bristol to my house because she's the one I like. I only have extra chocolates to Bristol on my birthday because she's the one I like. I try to make meaningful handmade gifts for her because she's the one I like. I hate myself for being such a horrible person. She looked nice today. 

I wanted to write a lot like how I have terrible acne and didn't want to go or how I almost cried because I couldn't find a full sleeve top and ended up wearing my younger sister's t-shirt or how I kinda felt left out before meeting Bristol but that's not true because my friends are nice or how S has Melbourne and Bristol pinned on her chats even now and how jealous that makes me or how Melbourne couldn't join us as she was sick and I'm really worried about her ( update: she has a non-cancerous tumor) or how I saw this man in the museum and how pretty he was or how much I wanted to eat that pasta they ordered but didn't or how much weirdly uneasy I felt when S purchased diet coke after buying  a chicken roll or how much I liked hanging out with A afterwards or how I accidentally gave myself a huge cut on the back of my thing while shaving even though I wore full sleeves or how scared I was in the metro because I edge to this porn video sometimes that happens in the metro and how much I didn't want that to happen to me, ever or how much how much how much how much how much. None of it matters. At all. 

P.S. : at S's house the topic of me going to college came up and I said I might have to go to a different state as mine doesn't have good engineering colleges. Bristol said she doesn't want me to go. She said she likes that I'm here. I liked hearing that. Thank you. But then sometimes I feel like it would be better if we were at opposite ends of the world and we would simply forget about each other beacuse seeing her in person is a bit too much overwhelming.