HATE LIST ( college edition ᡣ𐭩₊˚.⋆⁺₊ )

Bitch imma write. Right now I'm SEVERELY constipated. I do have a washroom but it's so dirty and for some reason I think that if I use it I'll get STDs especially AIDS. I shit once every two days in the last stall of the washroom in the main building of my college which is like ten minutes away from my classroom and around minutes away from my dorm. It's the weekend plus I ate two meals today ( lunch and dinner). 

When I wrote the title I was severely sleep deprived like I literally slept for like  four or six hours in the past four days. I was only eating dinner and fasting from somewhere between 18 to 25 hours. I was also quite dehydrated. I started playing basketball and I was in extreme physical pain plus my classes were lowkey hard especially hard. I was going insane. Today was Saturday (Mabel and Dipper's birthday) I slept well. I could barely wake up this morning but my physical pain literally healed. I ahd this quiz. I was talking to this girl who's my classmate hoping to be actually friends and so she starts talking about books and then out of nowhere she mentions she wants to read a Little Life like whatt I told her I heard some bad stuff about it but she said she did too. I asked what the book is about and she said she didn't know it. I wanted to shoot myself at that moment. At lunch my roomates friend asked me if I had a boyfriend and I instantly replied with a no and she goes "so you like girls" and I replied a bit too late. I hope she doesn't think anything of it. She did say love you to my roommate twice after dinner while we were leaving not saying she likes girls though. Just an observation. 

Coming back to the topic, I'm in much better state and I have nothing against these people but I would just liek to express how I feel about them to someone, like confide and shit. 

1. My roomate: she's okay, I obviously don't hate her but sometimes some action make me feel weirded out. She did touch my thigh while talking once and it felt so weird I wanted to chop my leg off but yea she's nice. I used to sit alone for dinner but she invited me to sit with her friends several times and I finally went maybe two days ago. She's in 3rd year, so ate her friends. 

Her friends are nice too. 

Genuinely starting the hate list most of them are my female classmates (because I don't talk to boys, I'd rather kill myself), also using 

1.  (Not my classmate) This girl comes to play basketball. She sounds like a goat. She never did me any wrong personally but she's super rude. She risked mine and a few other girl's safety and was scolded for it and because of that she was crying. Just saying that if it was me I'd be apologizing like hell to others. My mom would definitely slap me. The other girls who play don't like her at all either. 

2. This girl is my classmate and also lives in my hostel. She's from Odisha. I've met four people from Odisha and all they are is horrible to me. This girl is a bitch and she's Skinner than me which only adds fire to the fuel. Yesterday while returning from basketball practice she told everyone to wait for her because she was a bit behind but nobody did except me and guess what she does, she just jogs up to them leaving me standing behind them like a fool. A few days ago we got our books foe a library and were late for our next class and miss ma'am is clicking snaps and applying lipgloss. 

3. She is 2's roomate. She also comes for basketball and sounds like another fucking goat. She's horrible. She literally never gives you the ball to practice but expects you to do so like fuck off bitch. I did give her the ball when it was my turn and she's just unbothered. Like I hate you. She's also lowkey disgusting to me.

4. This girl is friend with no. 2 she also plays basketball. She's nice but she promised to be in Quiz with me but she totally ditched me and went with a different group of people. She's also way thinner than me so it pisses me off.

5. This girl sits beside me in class and she's the epitome of literal shit like der she's so ugly she's uglier than me. I absolutely hate her. She's academically better than me which does not help my hatred towards her at all. She claims to do art but it's something I used to do in fourth grade. I'm taller and thinner and a better artist than her so she can absolutely fuck off. She'll be in class and be like "I know this" , " omg this is so easy" while I'm scratching my head. She was showing her art to no.4 in class and I swear I'd purge. She's so horrible. Die fucker.

6. She's friends with no. 5 and is also academically better than me and the arrogant like her ego is beyond the exsosphere. She sits in the place I used to. She wrote earlier in the gc that she'll only participate to win. Like I hate her so fucking much. She was absent one day and all the girls were taking how shitty which she is. 

7. This girl is friends with 2. too. She's not that horrible but she's insufferable. She expects me to give her my lab manual even though her roll number is just after mine. In computer practicals she'll constantly disturb me asking for answers like go away girl. She also draws btw and yes I'm better than her too. 

8. The other girls in my class are either nice or unbothered which is fine either way. I hate no 2 so much because we'll be in a group and I'll be the one ignored and excluded, and beacuse no.4 is there too it only strengths the effect. 

I think it's better to be ignored and excluded rather than being bullied so I'm okay. It just hurts. There a more people who piss me off but I don't interact with them much. Seeing skinny, tall, and people who are academically better people than me drives me crazy though. I desperately want to eat ice cream and want to shit. I got around ten LinkedIn connections at NASA and a few of them are astronauts and this is what kept me sane through the week. It's hard to focus when I'm so hungry all the time. Also, all the vile shit I wrote just stays here, I'm genuinely nice and kind to people online and offline. I would never wish genuinely bad things to happen to these people although I lowkey want the people who sexually assaulted me to be tortured to the brink of death. 

Bristol lowkey scares me NGL at times

Well I had a lot to write about Bristol. A lot of good things. I was feeling horrible a few days and Bristol texted me something and I was happy. It always feels nice talking to my friends. I love my friends. BUTTTTTTTTT today Bristol mentioned the term BMi and for a moment I was hoping she doesn't have an eating disorder. I would never want my friends to struggle with anything and I wish them good health and wealth or just anyone who's a nice person honestly. Apparently Bristol has an exam today and she has to study all that. Bristol got a bit too curious and searched BMI reddit and learned about Bodychecks and stuff. I played it off acting clueless as if I wasn't asking my friends how to measure my accurate height. I did somehow told her not to look too much into it as she can't change people and some people do get better. Will Bristol hate me if she finds out I'm a part of it and I was pretending to be clueless? I would never want to lose Bristol as she is a really good person. A few of my started texts from Bristol, I mean I shouldn't post private conversation but it's not like anyone reads these and definitely not Bristol. Anyway:

Bro tf I had like millions of texts bookmarked and I could only find six, they probably have a limit. Om WhatsApp I had like 500+ bookmarked. Bristol for President.

Collage is ok. A boy talked to me today and for some reason I want to kill myself whenever I have male interaction like no way I'm talking to a BOY. Weightloss is going very well, I only eat dinner. I fast for 18 hours at atleast. Everyone on edtwt is reaching their gw. Things are okay there. All the people I follow are either getting help, at an healthy weight. The ones thatvare losing weight are genuinely getting to a healthy weight. Twbre are a few who are definitely a bit far gone, I hope they can get better.  Bye bye for today I'm doing okay.

NOT demure.

I feel VERY vulnerable rn. Today was rakshabandhan. Today was supposed to be my first day of college. Even though I'll be living in a dorm with another girl I didn't complete shift there yet. I was supposed to go alone. The recent rape and murder case has caused a huge outrage in my country. Even Stephanie Soo released an episode on it today. It's so weird to think that it not only happened in my state my my literal city. Back to where I was, I didn't go to college because I was sleep deprived as always. Lately my sleep deprivation hours have a gone a bit too far which is beyond my repair so I'll will be feeling sleepy as if I'm intoxicated by alcohol. Like I genuinely will just fall asleep all of a sudden unaware of my surroundings. It was in control a few months ago. Like I could atleast be semi conscious of my surroundings. That's how I even gave a few exams earlier this year but now it's hard for me. Last Saturday I went to keep my stuff in college dorm and while returning I was almost passed out on the bus.y mom was with me so she wokee up and it was so hard. While going towards the bux exit I even accidentally grabbed this old lady's hair instead of like the handle. I wanted to apologise but I couldn't speak. I could barely walk either. Waking up from sleep is definitely a huge issue because I don't feel in control of my body for a while and to do all that waking was genuinely hard. Towards the end while returning home I was gripping to my mom as if she was a cane. So I didn't go today because what if I feel into a similar situation. And I had luggage to carry and I had to switch transportations atleast three times. But staying home today was an even bigger mistake. I did get to sleep idk when but my kept trying to wake me up and I simply couldn't control my body to physically get up. I finally got up at around 2pm when my mom yelled at me. It still took me time to get up. My sister had school so all three of us celebrated rakhi and we ate lunch and it was okay really up until 4pm. I was eating lunch and even though I genuinely feel disgusted by food in general and my skin disease has gotten worse I still wanted to eat the food my mom made today because I was craving it for months. My skin disease is do bad rn like it's not at its peak worst but I might say third of fourth worst. My fingers will have a burning sensation for HOURS. Now I've experienced this since atleast ten years if not more which it is but back then it was only if I eat spicy food or maybe I take too long to eat but now doesn't matter what I eat my fingers will burn and back then maybe it was for an hour or too at max but now if I eat something spicy for say lunch the sensation will still be there while I eat dinner although it has faded out but it's still there. My fingers will burn at anything even rice. Also lately they seem to burn if something is too hot or cold and my skin has started peeling off my fingers. Again, skin peeling of my fingers is a very common issue but now it's peeling because of me touching food which was not the case earlier. Despite all these I was eating when bam! His mom, brother's wife and brother's daughter appear. I just lost it. I did not want to eat anymore. I wanted to go back to my room and hang myself. I was desperately hoping Bristol would save me like she did on 16th and 17th of June. I had to touch their feet as if I'd ever want someone like them to bless me. I was eating when mom gave his brother's wife lunch so now I was eating with her. I told my mom I couldn't finish my lunch but obviously she wouldn't allow me so I somehow dumped it down my throat. I wanted to drink water but I genuinely didn't want to be in her presence. I went back to my room and tried closing the door but my mom started showing me eyes and was getting angry on me cause it's rude. But I really did shut the door. Oh and by the way his mom sat beside me initially before going into my mom's room and simply locking the door from inside. What an odd thing to do at someone's house like are you tryna steal? Anyway maybe half an hour later my mom calls me to tie her his brother's wife this thread. Females don't tie rakhi but whatever and honestly it was such a joke beacuse she tells me shit about him at times and it triggers the fuck out of me like ik6i didn't need to hear that.  Now we both have to give sweets to each other, like put it in the mouth I kept the one she gave to me upto my lips and then quickly took them in my hand to make sure my spit doesn't touch it and then trew it down the bin, thoroughly washed my hands and brushed my teeeh. I went back to lay after taht but I feel asleep. I probably woke up at seven or eight again and now about 9pm his elder brother shows up. It was such a joke event cause like I'm trying you this fucking piece of thread to protect me. Anyway so again I tie the thread to his elder brother and he gives me seven hundred which I give to my mom. He hasn't given me a gift since 2020 atleast so whatever I don't care. I had to interact with him and it was super awkward. HE is my brother and today was the day we celebrate to you know protect our sisters. So fucking funny hahahaah. Also with the ongoing rape and murder case a lot of women are being harassed, physically and sexually assaulted, abused in several ways, tortured, raped and murdered. This makes me think what if he comes after me because he might think I might speak up with the current things going on. Two girls from my college campus were groped in a protest. Everytime I go out I feel so sacred. I went my dad on Sunday almost at night like amybe 8pm to but stuff like locks to take to my dorm room and I swear people were looking weird at me. And look I've felt this for the longest time but this time it was scary and most of them were men. Also there was a protest march going down the street while I was at a stationary shop and people were treating it as an inconvenience. Oh not to forget my mom scolded me today for NOT interacting with them and locking myself in my room for the most part like I swear I would cut myself today itself it was so fucking triggering just seeing his family. I did not have a fresh blade lying around most of them had rust. Like my mom expect me to do? Go to his mom and massage her and tell her what a saint her son is and would she liek to give me as an offering to the devil's at her fucking son's wedding like mom are you okay???????? 

I got information about the rape and murder case through bits and pieces but I did hear the podcast Stephanie Soo put out and it kind of makes its seem a bit collected which makes it so scary. I don't think I should talk about my issued in this blog anymore cause there's clearly a massive shitstorm out there. Women are being killed and assaulted AFTER this huge case. It's almost as if scums of the earth feel like they have power because they know they wouldn't be punished by the law. I am so FUCKING sick and tired of simply the amount of rape that happens in this country not to mention the sexual assaults that happen to so many people of different backgrounds and genders. The only time it even comes to public notice is when the rape victim has been killed and it only gets serious attention when it's gangrape. I'm not even kidding you. Acid attack and acid attack threats are another thing to unpack. Also I feel so severely betrayed because I always thought my state was the safest in the country which it is according to the stats and charts plus the fact that people call their daughter "ma" or sometimes eben random women by this term. I thought this state had a lot of respect towards woman compared to the entire nation. We even have a whole festival for female gods which is celebrated a bit more glamorous way compared to the other states. Also I heard that parents do not discriminate if a female child is born rather they prefer female children. All of that has been shattered. Nobody is safe throughout the country and definitely NOT the women.

 The world seems so doomed. I get these videos recommended on YouTube shorts of babies who aren't even a year old being saved from rubbles or just attacks in Gaza and for a moment I feel happy that the kid is saved but then that shouldn't be the way things should be. Like it's horrible to imagine the terrible things going on in the world right now and it only gets worse each day. So many fucking wars. I'm not lying but I feel way more paranoid right now that I usually do. I just don't know how to comprehend things lately. Also you might think I'm a bitch cause my behaviour was rude towards his family but I was respectful towards them, I simply didn't interact. Also I shouldn't be anywhere near him or his family in the first place cause even seeing them puts me in a bad place. There's no way I'd sleep at like 4 or 5pm after waking up at 2 pm so I purely slept just so that I wouldn't have to interact with his family. I feel very scared right now. 

Being the most horrible person you will ever know.

I had a dream when I was almost naked and one of breasts was exposed and brown almost like a bruise. I don't remember much but apparently a picture was taken too. This is probably the second dream I had where I was almost naked and terrified in almost a helpless way. My skin was also paler and I was thinner. 

A lot of things happening lately. So much I can't even remember. Too tired to type. I did go out with this girl a few days ago. In ninth grade she told me I deserve all the bad things that have happened to me. I still think about it. We went to McDonald's and bought our individual burgers. Not only did she take my entire side of the plate (I had larger fries) but she insisted on taking a bite out of my burger. I told her I could tear and give her a pice but she insisted on biting it. This is the second time I had to eat food which had someone else's spit. It is definitely a lot for me. I hate when people do it. I hate it.

I want to kill myself. Yesterday I went to my college's orientation and it was so shit. I was severely sleep deprived so I kept falling asleep. What I did hear was we need points and I gotta study a lot. I don't know. I'm so scared. There was this protest while returning. It was regarding the recent rape case in my state. It's gotten attention throughout my country actually. The woman was a doctor and she was raped and killed. We were trying to return and the busses won't arive. My mom told me to go check but I asked her to join me. She was refusing but she did. All she had to say was " she had so many degrees" that is all she could say. It almost justfies what happened to me from her point of view. Like my mom did not perceive her as a human but someone who had a degree (she was 30). I felt so sad.

Today my dad told me to not go outside 5pm. I mean it wouldn't matter if it happened for the 100th time to me. Tomorrow there is a strike of some sort. 

Yesterday at the strike this man threw money on the ground and said it to give it to the protesting woman as they're only here for the money. A group of boys who also probably went to the orientation were giggling. Other older men were recording videos almost pointing the camera at the faces of the women. It all felt so disturbing and dehumanising. 

Today my siblings went to a birthday. I generally go too but it was in the apartment he lives in. Mom said it's okay if I don't go as my aunt (his mom) will say that I can go to someone else's apartment but not theirs. Like um, you have a child predator living in yours???? Why would any sane person would go there???? Also my mom visited a few days ago. I have so much anger inside of me.

Yesterday after hearing the academic shit I have to achieve it was like a motivation for one step forward towads committing suicide.

My dad had dinner outside and he returned and slept. I pulled my brother's cheek as he rang the doorbell even tho he already pulled the gate a second ago and I was on my way. It would've disturbed my dad. My brother began crying and all the neighbours saw and saud it's my fault. If I did it my mom used to give me a beating but now she claims she didn't. She also made such an angry face at me when she saw my bro crying I thought she was legit gonna hit me.  She said it's all my fault but I was angry. Because why would she take my siblings anywhere near where he lives and why would she never acknowledge what happened to me. Never. Also my mom beats my bro like hell and dude cries for like 5 mins but I pulled his clerk and dude is crying for a solid fifteen minutes and as soon as mom went to another room he stopped. Also I was telling my mom how my brother does not behave well and she just shrugs it off saying "that's how boys are" and she said "I never knew you could argue with me" and at that moment I wanted to yell at her " I never knew you couldn't protect me". 

Hearing about the the case over snd over again keeps reminding me of what happened to me. I know it's wrong and it was a long time aho and I should think about how this poor woman suffered but I keep thinking about him. The worst part is i think why is she the one to be dead. Why not me? I'm a horrible person already irrespective of what happened to me. I deserved to die, not her. Also the support this case is receiving is actually so muce but then my country trying it's best to be the #1 rape capital is just hushing it down. My friends said they will be going to protests. I want to go too but my dad put a 5pm curfew on me like haha it's not my fault that someone is a scum why should I lock myself when they should be locked in jail waiting for their death penalty. 

It's been almost 4½ years now. I was thinking that if I stay alive from ten years from now it'll still stay with me. The thoughts. I would like to be over this but it hurts so bad. Also my hair keeps falling. I mean so much hair my entire palm is filled with it. Even though I justvwanted to tie a ponytail. So mych hairloss. My digestive system is so shit. My mom does not understand when I say I only want to eat a certain amount of food because I will be purging it later. I feel absolutely shit. Im always having a headache and I feel like I'm almost gonna pass out. My legs are so fat I want to chop off the fat for the 1000th time. I feel so shit. I have to work super hard in college. I probably need 163 academic points to get a btech degree and 20more points to get an honors. I also need 100 non academic points. I don't know how to get them but I want all of them. Also, while returning yesterday I saw those purple flowers and it's funny because I was thinking of him again. I genuinely mean it when I say I barely remember my childhood apart from him. All the amazing things that I experienced as a child? Gone. Just rage.

I hate him so much it's unreal. I blame all my self disappointments at him. Not that it would ever matter to him. Sleep deprived? Him. Can't eat? Him. Angry? Him. I want to get back at cutting too because it's actually quite numbing. I'm just scared I'll go too deep. I know I've been saying for months now that I'll get back at cutting but I'm jyst scared because when I cut I am not in a very healthy mindset and I tend to go way deeper that I intend to and it's hard to take care of. I wanted to do a part time job too but idk how I'll be able to because I'm actually very shitty at academis because I have to work twice as hard as others just to get half of what they achieve and I know it's my fault for being so slow but seeing results do make me happy.

Also, as a kid whenever my mom scolded it hit me I'd go to apologise to her. My mom literally scolds my sister and she never apologize and my mom is totally fine with that because t"hat's how my sister is". A few years ago I asked my mom if I was terrible because she never praises my good behaviour but other parents praise the slightest of nice behaviour their kids show. My mom used to say that those parents dong know how to raise their kids and that you should always praise behind their back and never to their faces. Maybe not all kids are the same. Maybe if she praised me I would've liked myself more. There's a generation gap between me and my siblings and we had very different childhood and upbringings but my siblings aren't as disciplined as I was and also they also have friends and I lot of things I didn't as a kid abd sometimes I do get jealous because what id the point of growing up like this if I had to be a failure like this. I genuinely am such a horrible person. My mom says my friends like me because they don't see how I'm at home and it just makes me think will people really leave me the more open I am to them? I dont know. I don't want to make friends in college. I feel horrible. Why do I have to be the worst person ever to exist. I <3 the music Sufjan Stevens makes. I hope Khaled Hosseini publishes another novel. Sometimes I get so jealous of people my age when I see them on the internet. I keep thinking why is it not me? Why do I have to be me? Why can't I choose to not exist? Just delete the fact that I ever existed. He hasn't apologizes yet. No one who ever hurt me has apologized yet and I'm so tired of waiting. I hate myself so much if I wasn't me I'd still kill me.

he is getting married.

Today was a tiring day. All I do is think about him. 

When I was a kid once he took me to this playground field nearby. I touched this flower. He said it was poisonous. He probably carried me home or maybe I walked, I don't remember. That is the kind of love I wanted from him. I wanted him to love me like a brother is supposed to love their little sister. I genuinely cannot live. Ever since march 2020 I feel like I should've died but I haven't and I just keep living and not experiencing. I am so tierd. Also I took this pic last year when I visted this beach I webt as a child in 2008. This was near a park I went back in 2008. Didn't visit last year as it was broken.

Mom said today his mom is so pretentious. His mom said she and me are the same innocent and then my mom says that not in seven lifetimes would I be like her. It almost made me laugh. What is my mom trying to say. A few days ago she does acknowledge that I became " insane" around 2020, guess what happened back then mom. I am so touch averted I hate anyone who touches me. My mom tries to which only makes me dislike her more. S tried to hug me as she was leaving and I know we're friends but no why touch. Also the most sensitive part is my neck. He did things there very often. I feel so disgusted. I wonder since when dud things get bad. 2016 when I fainted? Maybe. I am so hungry. I gained A kilo of the weight I lost last month because I ate pasta yesterday. Mom was telling me how much she and dad did for me as a child but genuinely I can barely remember. I can barely remember anything before he started doing it again. After that it's all a haze. He is getting married. He'll have a kid by next year. I'll have to go see it as my mom will force me to. How can I ever cope up with that. I simply can't put it behind me. I feel a sharp pain in my privates since a few days and I don't know what that is. Sometimes I feel like I'm slowly dying. Mom told this random lady about me counting calories. My parents are fed up with me. I am fed up with me. I just want somebody to love me and sadly they're not my parents. My siblings are too young and immature. I feel so alone. I cannot sleep. All I do is think about him. Day and night in repeat. How do I get him out of my head. I simply can't. I'll kill myself if this keeps going. I'm losing my mind. Him him him. It's all him. There's no me because I'm a filthy piece of shit.

In 2020 every morning me, him and mom used to go out for a jog in that field. I'd run away from mom and him. He used to act so normal and then come back home and molest me later that day. Will I ever be loved? I just want to be happy sometimes. I want to stop crying but all I am is shaking. I hate myself. I hate myself. I want to be normal. I wnat to be. He is eating away my brain. I don't want to think about him. It hurts. My whole body aches. I just want to be okay.