so distant from all my friends, so distant from everyone else.

It's 3am, 2nd September and I've decided that I'll start cutting again because it's the only way out. My roomate is barely a few meters away from me scrolling away on her phone. I'm a horrible friend, I told Bristol about how I feel ignored by my classmates. Bristol deserves people better than me. I'm always hungry. Like some sort of hollow vessel that can never be filled. I've been losing a lot of hair on a daily basis and it's been killing me inside. This weekend I'll go home for dad's birthday. I'll buy blades and bandaids there. So I'll start cutting from next week. I was a bit suspicious about where to cut because I might have to wear shorts to play basketball. Doing my arm is not safe because even though I wear sleeves there are chances my mom get suspicious. I used to cut on my breasts but it's scary honestly because what if I cut something vital and have to chop off my entire breast like no way dude. Stomach was a safe space but again if I go too deep I might just rip open my guts. I've decided in the area that will be covered by shorts will be where I cut. I'm just scared of it escalating too much and me losing self control as always and doing it somewhere I don't intent to do or worse going deeper than previous attempts. I feel very disturbed. Honestly I can't handle anything anymore, I'll break apart because I can barely manage him. He'll get married in December probably when I'll have my semester exams. I have to get more than 9.5 cgpa to change my stream to computer science so I don't have to interact with the girls in my class anymore. I have to start cutting. Honestly I don't hate my scars, it more like a reminder of how I could have killed myself at the moment but this is what remains of it. Coward. Only if my scars were visible only to me. Cutting helps me deal with my emotions more than anything else. I thought I was better than that, that I was a changed person but just like always I keep falling back to my old habits. Nobody likes me and I'm just an object for people, people who want to get something from me, I can barely give anything to myself. I want to sleep so bad. My eyes are so tired but I simply can't sleep. Another night spent thinking all about him. I will never get better. I hope Bristol can find a better friend soon because I don't know how long I can last.