i just cannot forget this

I try not to be angry and to not come back here but people are shit. They're absolute dogshit. Winters is going on. It's cold and I have to moisturize. I shower maybe once a week when I'm here, almost always low on energy. Today I finally decided to take a shower after like ten something days. I requested my flatmates several times to keep their doors locked as I'm NOT comfortable and asked them if I could trust them with it. They said yes. I trusted them. After my shower was done I asked them once again if the doors were locked and as a joke they kicked my door from outside. Soon they opened it too. Anyway I kept calling and asking if they were out or like the doors were locked, after asking after say fifteen times I got out and webg to my room. I saw the pyjamas of one girl behind the curtain, another FUCKING FAT BITCH was standing behind the door. I yelled calmly at them to get out. Trying to make it sound joking and not the fact that I couldn't move from my place. They laughed their ass on the way back. I feel SO weird. They've always crossed the boundary when I told them I'm not comfortable with being touched in ANY manner, I still get along some times. But today reminded of that very specific memory twelve years ago of him. My mom was sleeping. He came to visit us. I was in the bathroom and he came there too. I was as usual, complete naked in front of him. Sometimes these memories don't even feel mine. Regardless, he came he did something I don't remember and he went back outside to meet my mom. Today I was not nineteen but eight. Even though my roommates didn't do anything to me I can't get that feeling off me now. They keep calling form outside if I'm angry and I keep saying no but I can't stop crying. Also the fact that I have severe body image issued and SH scars which makes me want to hide my body even more. But they wouldn't know because they weren't assaulted as a kid. They'll never know this and my fears will always be a joke to them, something to laugh on which makes me despise them so much. 

it's 2025 bitch

It's feels really weird to watch pornography when I also have active male interaction. Here's the thing: I was never more insecure in the way I look since I started to talk to boys. I hate boys because they make me want to starve lol. Like I was already starving and now even more. There are a lot of guys I talk to on the daily and it's VERY overwhelming. Well I'll list them but here's the news that ruined my December: He got married. Yes. A woman married him. Just like his elder brother he'll have a kid in a year. I pray it's not a girl. Honestly, I pray it's not a boy either. He's married. Damn. Remember I saw him in a wedding early December? Yep, he got married 15 days later. I'm like in literal shock.