hi it is me, i have decided to use my laptop more so you might see me often now. if i could just erase my fucking life i would like not in a suicidal way but like i would rather lay in a pile of warm laundry instead of whatever keeps happening. I've watched mysterious skin so many fucking times.there is a n easter egg in this post incase i go on another hiatus. I'm back to liking car seat headrest again, like a normal person. I do brush once in a while and i am considering getting braces because i fucked up my invisaline shit. I like bunny, my soft toy, i think i have posted pictures of him previously. I hope so, There's this something, this tension, this need to be engaged every single time but not engaged in a helpful way. There are things that need changing. I should not be responsible for making decisions for my life. I also get very upset with whatever made up version of me my parents ahve in their head, also why are they so strange when they ask me to be confident then put on restrictions, and it's just not them. Also the thing that i hate the most is my mom caring for my so called safety. I'm tired of writing this over and over again but she should NOT be the one out of all people to care about that. It really pisses me the fuck off when she acts all concerned. Also i get it they love me but again it is not in a way i understand and it's very materialistic and also somewhat enabling lwgich translates to promoting me to do thingd that are bad for me because they think they might make me happy. There is definitely a lot that has changed again. I really cant handle change. my head starts hurting whenever i start thinking stuff. I also again don't like college very much. Also in a sense i feel like like most of the people (except you know who) are just pretendng to be nice and they think i am insane which makes me want to run away. It's 3am. i have been trying to sleep on time but i just can't you know. I really cannot. Jude is very relatable with the parts i am reading. My scalp is fucked up. my teeth are as well. skin as well. I want to be better than this. I have so much hatered and disappointment and just plain anger from most people. I don't enjoy being all by myself but then i don't like most people. fucking college. fucking shit. I wish i could meet Bristol more often and i hope she isn't reading this cause it would be embarassing. I am at home and it's the same cycle of not wanting to be at home and blah blah. I think i am doing bad though because the general factors plus i barelt listen to music and also i am in my brother's room. I was here five years ago as well, for several months. I was alone at home today because i do have a fear of being out alone althoughh i would be with my mom and then she's pretned she didn't see people and i'd have to do the same. It was nice being at home. Alone. I feel so tired. this whole year, was so fucking weird. Nect year has more shit. I really do not want more time to pass.
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