The time I can remember is probably like somewhere in kindergarten or first grade where I went to His house. There were kids my age, so I played with them. I was wearing a green t-shirt and a white pleated skirt which had different colors like yellow or red in between the pleats.
Today was fun but we started playing truth and dare. The girls asked if I watched pornography, and I replied no even though I watch and edge almost every single day. They said I was lying, and I said I watched it on other people's phone as a kid which was not a lie tbh but anyway. They also asked if I had a first kiss and I said no hoping that this was true, but it was not. I said it as the image of him kissing me at his house with his doors locked so his mom didn't walk on us popped in my mind. His shoving his tongue inside my mouth and probably sucking and subtly biting on my lip. And then all tgd memories of him kissing me on my mouth popped up all at once and the last time he kissed me at fifteen years old where's he doing the sane actions as previously described but because I'm way taller now he's thrusting himself on me and rubbing his private part on mine.
Sometimes I feel like I'm making all if this up and none of this happened which is such a pleasant thought, but it did happen. Sometimes I just want to tell my mom how much it bothers me. HOW MUCH.
Also, I've started to hate myself so much because I watch the kind of porn where they mimic action, he did to me which is generally Japanese porn. I don't even watch the part where they actually have sex because he never raped me. But the thing is I come off on stuff that he did as a literal child, and I think it's so morally wrong. I don't know how to stop. Really. Everything is an addiction for me. Watching movies, eating, cutting, starving, watching porn, purposely doing activities that will harm me.
Also, today we were playing this thing where we play characters. I was the boy, and I was supposed to like marry this girl who came to see me and like the brainrot I am I started fake jerking myself and making weird faces with my tongue. One girl was kinda scared and the others though it was funny. I think I did a terrible thing. I feel like I wasn't even myself at the moment but a porn addict. I hate myself for that. One girl even said she'll never forget it. The others didn't comment so they definitely didn't like it and played it off as cool. I will never ever play the character of a boy ever again.
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