please, let me be an Astronaut.

At times I feel like I made a huge mistake telling my mom and considering that she didn't even believe me even though I was crying like hell. She did believe me. I feel like my parents still think it's my fault and as much as I love my parents, I absolutely HATE how they handled that. If I ever succeed in killing myself, I want them to know that this was definitely a major reason to do so, and they could have actually done something. I mean come on they still meet his entirely family, she visits their house with my siblings, he just lives a block away and I so often see him in the road. The only thing she did change was that he was never allowed in our house ever again, but I feel like in my absence he even visited us. I mean come on mom why don't you just FUCKING choke me with your own hands while my father is cutting me. Why don't you. I FUCKING HATE YOU DOE HOW YOU RESPONDED TO THAT. I'M FUCKING NINETEEN YEARS OLD AND I SHOULD BE OVER IT BUT I'M NOT. I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY TO IMPROVE MYSELF I ALWAYS END UP CRYING ABOUT IT. I DON'T WANT TO LOVE LIFE THIS WAY. 

I may be a horrible person for saying this, but I feel like I shouldn't have told my mom that night. I should have let him continue. I should have let me rape me, I should have let him do whatever he wanted to do with me and eventually it would end up in rape and then I would go alone and report to the police but obviously they'd so nothing because rape in India is like the FUCKING BREAS AND BUTTER OF THIS COUNTRY IT IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY RUNS ON. YES, THAT'S RIGHT, THIS COUNTRY RUNS ON FUCKING RAPING LITTLE GIRLS. GIRLS AS YOUNG AS SIX BEING FORCED TO PROSTITUTION FOE FUCKING 30,000 RUPEES. FUCK THESE PEOPLE. 

Anyway, so I'd report him and as expected the police wouldn't bat an eye and I wouldn't tell my parents and then I would kill myself. The thing is I actually did want to kill myself even though he didn't rape me, but the thing is it was the pandemic, and everyone was home and I was a fucking pussy. Now at nineteen I do know methods that will kill me with minimal pain. But the problem is now I have to earn money. Also, lately I've been carving physical affection, all thanks to porn but I very well know that I will never get it in my lifetime all thanks to him.

I really want to torture him you know. Like tie him up and be like " OH YOU LOVE ME? AWWWWW " AND THEN FUCKING CHOP HIS LIMBS AND CONTINUE THIS PROCESS.  I bet stuff like this is some sort of porn. I mean if guro could be a thing this one definitely exists. I really want to hurt him. I'm so fucking tired of myself. I want to be thin enough to be anorexic, but I love my breasts but then I remember that he actually touched them several times and it makes me want to chop them off (also I hate wearing bras). I recall how he used to kiss my privates as a kid while I'm completely naked and he's on top of me and I would be like a fucking piece of frozen meat. I didn't feel good. No. I didn't. 

I really want my mom to hug me but every time I think how she responded to that makes me want to spit and like turn a stranger to her. Mom, if you're reading this, which I hope you aren't, I want you to know that no matter how much you love me (and dad) it will NEVER be enough, and I hate you. I absolutely hate you guys. Yes, I do love you like 99.99% but the other 0.01 percent is pure hated, and disgust and I want to know that. I want you to know that how you responded with my behavior and me complaining you about nightmare and hallucinations and my self harm and eating disorder or literally anything that I have become due to HIS actions is not what I wanted. I wanted you to acknowledge that YES, something bad had happened to me which is not normal, and it had happened for way too long. And this was a person I was supposed to trust. And mom, he was not the only one. Mom, at times it gets hard to breathe. And dad, you say you love me, but I don't think you love me in a way I understand. Mom, I want to go fucking kill myself because he said that I don't love him like the way I used to as a kid. Mom, can I fucking blow a head, please? Mom can I please, please, please kill myself? 

I'm not even lying. I wanted to get good grades in highschool. I was getting better. I wanted to scored good grades on SAT which is comparatively easy. I wanted to go to MIT and get a bachelor's degree in aerospace and get all that stuff and because an astronaut and go to Mars. Such a pure DREAM. Honestly most of the days the only reason I live is because I took science so I still have some hope that I can be an Astronaut. But ten there are these literal motherfuckers that will come up to me and ask why did I choose science when I'm so bad at it? Well, I'm not bad at it, I just can't focus on studying because all I think about is Him. It gives me home that somehow in some way I can still, possibly be an astronaut. In some universe (I don't believe in parallel universes btw) this stuff happens to me, and I somehow manage to become an astronaut. Leland Melvin was raped when he was five years old, and he became one. He is my hope. Probably the only one that inspires me to keep pushing forward. GOD, I don't know if you exist but hear me out, I want NOTHING but be an astronaut and go to Mars. I'm shaking and crying right now but please, please, please let me be an Astronaut. I'd let him or anyone rape me an infinite number of times without comparing but just let me be an astronaut, please, please I don't wanna die with an incomplete dream, please listen to me this one time. You never did as a kid, but please, please let me become an astronaut. I don't want to pretty, I don't want a good husband, I don't want friends, I don't want anything a normal sane person would, but God do I want to be an Astronaut, oleae listen to me. Please. Please. I beg you. If you give me a chance to be an Astronaut I will give it my best. I will be the best astronaut history has ever seen and ever will and that's a promise to you. So, will you please let me be one?