I love the concept of yearning in LGBTQ romance movies. In both the movies Elio and Marie almost yearn but they don't actively act on it in a very "forward" way. And even in the end they do get close to them, they do realize that it can never be a thing. I like the concept. The concept of wanting someone to want you the way desperately you want them. I want to experience that. In majority of the straight movies I've watched it's almost so normal that a boy and girl will like each other and honestly in most of the movies they end up having casual sexual a lot even if they don't stay together. I don't like that. I don't like movies that solely have a physical aspect. I like movies that make me feel something. Fallen Angels and The Chunking Express made me feel things. When people talk about these movies they only talk about the cinematography most of the time which is indeed brilliant but then I really love the character of Takeshi Kaneshiro. I like his character expresses emotions so fluently it's almost as if he's bleeding into the audience, as if he's some sort of fluid. I have zero knowledge about movies but I like such movies. I discovered something else I liked which was "Scott Pilgrim vs the World", this movie is not exactly about feeling (as much) I don't know what it is but I enjoyed every second of it and every character was top notch.
Coming back to call me by your name, whenever I listen to Mystery of love I feel like I have this deep hollowness in my heart which consists solely of yearning. Yearning to love someone and wanting the same back. At times I feel like I'll never experience that because if I ever try to like someone, genuinely, I would be absolutely mortified. Currently, I feel like I am experiencing the opposite of yearning, let me Google search that, so apparently, it's loathing. True. But honestly most of it is directed towards me. He is just a medium. If loathing was a fish tank, then he'd be the water and I'd be the fish. Reader, I need to hold your hand and tell you how much, just how much I love these movies. They make me feel emotions I rarely feel. I feel good yet so sad. I'm telling you if I ever like someone, I'm down bad to fuck any fruit, drink their cum induced bathwater, or even eat their half-eaten stuff that would go to trash afterall. I love stuff like this in LGBTQ movies. Makes me feel more seen.
I'm not sure if I wrote it here but in middle school people used to say I had a crush on this girl. They used to tease me with her name. I did a lot of things but the most "extreme" one I did if I remember was that I made a notebook and I wrote there entries explaining how I don't have a crush on her, but I'd be happy to be her friend and some more stuff because I don't remember shit. I also made her a birthday card. I put in a lot of effort to that. I made it for months. She just said thank you.
We do talk now normally (I hope). I found out this year she's actually a year younger than me even though we were in the same grade. She wished me birthday last year. (I didn't even though I remembered it). This year I wished and she didn't, not that I care.
I really want to buy the book of call me by your name but if I buy it my mom might crucify me. Plus, I have a LOT of unread novels at home.
Books that actually destroyed me weren't the ones by Franz Kafka or Osamu Dazai even though I excessively obsess over them. The books that tore me apart were the ones by Khaled Hosseini. Plus, I was twelve or thirteen when I read it, so I think it's an important factor too. I remember I was reading the kite runner in the school library and on page sixty-two (Bloomsbury edition) I read about Hassan being raped by a boy and I was S H O C K E D. I'm telling you, it hit me like a truck, I never knew males could be raped too. Especially male on male assault. For me back then rape was something as presented in the media, a girl in her twenties or thirties wearing "inappropriate" cloths thus bears the "consequences" of it by the hands of the stranger. What's "funnier" was people who used to say that she apparently "deserved it" and that is what happens when you deviate from the culture and these "men" (the rapists) were actually making sure these girls who no longer partake in the culture are "ridden off".
These might be furious sentences, but I grew up in a conservative society. When I was around 16-17, people from my father's side used to ask my parents why I am not married yet, afterall I'm such a big girl now. I don't remember clearly but both my grandmothers were married somewhere between the ages of 11 to 15. It's so bizarre to me at times. My mom was married at twenty-two. My father was twenty-nine. They have a seven-year age gap. If I could choose, would I marry a boy who's seven years older to me? No.
If I'm being honest, it feels like if a boy is even a day older than me, he is an older brother and if he's even a day younger that me he's a younger brother even if all three of us are born in 2005. Bye-bye.
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