My mom video called and was telling me she can't find my boxcutters as she wanted to cover my brother's notebooks. She said she searched in all the places I would hide it and asked me if I knew anymore. She said my brother took after me using those boxcutters. I asked if he also cuts himself (he's nine years old) and mom said no he's in the first stage that is cutting paper with it. She said cutting oneself like I used to, comes in the later stages like stage three. She said my brother found out one yesterday. She also said about many other things about me cutting. For some reason it made me really angry. She then asks after a few minutes if I got angry with that question and I said no even though I wanted to slash the fuck out of my left arm and make a cut twice as big as the one on my left thigh.
Also, I got this money spending addiction a week ago or so and I spent 10,000+ rupees. In mid Feb I had 27,000 something rupees and now I have 13,000 something. I spent around 4,000 on college admission forms and then 5,000 or so on food. I ate a lot of junk food this March, like a fucking lot. I spent around 4 to 5 thousand on buying stuff. I was tired of people criticizing me and making me insecure. My upper lip is darker than my lower lip and atleast three people pointed it out, some even more than once. I thought it was normal and those bitches also had dual color lips upto some extent, not as noticeable me though.
On my birthday I had called people and they pointed out how I have acne now. People saying I'm tall, but I have horrible posture. My crooked lower set of teeth.
I bought a lot of skin care shit. A cleanser, toner, serum, moisturizer, sunscreen. I also bought a lip treatment and a lip balm. I bought face masks and nose patches for black heads. I bought four lip glosses to cover up my lips. I bought this scrubber to exfoliate my body. I bought a gua sha and a facial roller. I bought waxing strips. I also bought an eyeliner to be pretty, but God am I horrible at applying it. I also bought nail polish because apparently as a six-year-old I always had nail polish on and I seemed happy in those pics. I also bought a pair of sunglasses and a tote bag (it was 550 but I told my mom it was 82 rupees) I also bought this make-up bag to keep all my shit (it was 400 but I told my mom it was 98).
I really don't know why I lied to her. I felt like she would scold me for spending my father's hard-earned money in such a manner. I don't know. I told her about only two lip glosses and the shades. I didn't tell her about my skincare stuff. Kill me.
Note: I am definitely quitting porn. I am completely desensitized to Japanese porn. Today I switched to French porn, specifically this old guy who has a bookshelf, a white door, and a somewhat orange couch. In one of his videos (the one I came thrice) his friend Serge comes to 'help' him. It was only spanking though. I found more of that guy from other channels. But won't watch that shit from tomorrow. My perception of reality is warped, and I can feel my iq decreasing. Also, probably the reason why I was sexually assaulted in my dream today. The fuck.
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