For 26th February, 2023.

The username of the original person was soent_stardust on this suicide forum called Sanctioned Suicide. He killed himself. He was as old as me. I even saw his posts although never interacted because the train method is obviously too painful and I used to mostly interact in the games discussion because I was to scared to actually assist someone killing themselves. I didn't know he was seventeen too. He killed himself by getting under a train. I saw it in a news article posted in the forum. The news article was probably in Spanish although it may be Portuguese too but I think this dude was European. His death caused a lot of attention to the website as a Youtuber made a video about his death. Spent Stardust also had aYouTube channel. There definitely are certain users across all forums whose deaths have impacted me and he is definitely one of them. It just feels so surreal and unbelievable like it should me, you're a good person spent_stardust, you don't deserve to die, life gets better I promise. 

I don't remember my first username for this website but it was something like dustspeck. Currently it's deathscape. More like death- escape. Escaping death every single day because I have to earn money. 

Also, I actually have more of Nathan back at home so I'll post about it when get back. 

I have this recurring feeling lately that I genuinely don't want to live. I just want to earn lots of money to support my family and then kill myself.

My father came to drop me off, while going back he tried to call mom and she didn't pick up. He called around three times. My father said " she's of no use" in a tone that is unknown to me. It's almost as if he doesn't love her. It's just well, a relationship. Just relation. I wouldn't want my husband to be like this. I'm so scared if males but I also like (around my age) so much. It's more like I need your validation and prove to me you're not like him. You genuinely love me. But I am not a good person. Once I get over crushing over boys my age it's over for y'all.

Currently listening to Eugene by Sufjan Stevens. Love him so much. He's amazing. I love his songs. This one specifically. It reminds me of the affection I had to adults as a kid. How everything used to be a bit mire saturated and I used to cheerful but slowing fading. I can never thank Bristol enough for introducing me to Sufjan Stevens. She's an okay friend, nice as a matter if fact.