my wrist hurts so much that I want to cut it open

When I was in seventh grade , I had somehow injured my wrist. If I remember correctly someone had pushed me in school. That evening he came to our apartment as usual. Him and I went out to buy crepe bandage. The entire time his hand was around my shoulder. I was shorter than him in height and so his palm/hand was on my breast the entire time until we reached the shop. Probably on the way back too. He did that in public. It was normal.

Since I've come back home it's hard to sleep at night, especially in a room full of people. If I go to sleep alone someone comes to ask why am I sleeping alone and I get scared that it's him. He's the only thing on my mind. It's almost as if I don't have a mind,  it's just a collection of what he did to me. I'm so scared of him. Sometimes I just want to approach him on the street and simply ask why he did it. Was it me begging him to "love" me? Was every single thing that he did to me and I let him do was my fault even when I denied ?

My sister got her period a few days ago. When I got mine he was there in the house. He was always there. 

I went to Bristol's house. She probably saw my cuts. The last time I went was in late July of 2022 when I hadn't started cutting. This time my emotions were on my body. She hates me now I guess. I was very awkward to her family. I am a terrible person. She hates me.

My sister told my mom in my presence that a girl in her class says she's gonna cut herself and then proceeds to scratch herself. My sister tried to laugh it off and be dramatic. My mom told her to not do that that sort of stuff, ever.

My mom said I should've gotten stitches. My mom asked to see my cut. My mom tried to hug me. I don't like being touched. No one can ever fucking touch me. 

Lately when I think about him my vagina/whatever that is, hurts. It's like the pain you get in headaches and it hurts from like the inside. I might hace a possible uti tho, again or maybe PCOS/PCOD considered the amount of hair I grow everywhere except on my head.

My teddy bear, Bunny, apparently has it's leg torn, the stitches came off. It looks the same as my cut. I love him so much. He's always been there for me. Way more times than my parents ever were. He knows stuff about me. I love him so much. 

I hate body hair. 

Yesterday his mom came to visit us. She bought some stuff for us. I didn't even touch it. I had to touch her feet and make casual conversation out of "respect". She's such a terrible human being. Her son did that and she doesn't even give a fuck. Nobody gives a fuck. It's all fine. It's so casual to make an eleven year old strip themselves or kiss seven year olds while shoving your tongue in  their mouths or touching them however and wherever you want while the(mine) mom is literally less than five meters away having a conversation with your(his) mom. It's all so normal. I'm such an attention seeking whore still thinking about it even though it ended four years ago. I'm so lazy I blame all my failures on my past, on him. I should be a real women and start acting the way I should. Support my family. Things like these happen. They keep happening. They'll happen again and again and it'll always be my fault because I'm such a horrendous and vile person. I should stop victimizing myself when I was never even a victim. It's all my fault. I wanted it and when I realised it's wrong I blamed it on him. Typical me. I should be dead for blaming him and other innocent men who did "wrong" to me even though I wanted it the whole time. I'm such a bad person, I hope I fucking die. I hope I die soon so that I can stop more men from falling in my trap in the upcoming future. I'M A FUCKING HORRIBLE PERSON AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT. ITS ALWAYS MY FAULT. HE WAS  N O T  WRONG. HE WAS BEING NICE, HE SAID HE LOVED ME AND I WANTED IT AFTERALL. I WANTED IT SO BAD, NO AMOUNT OF ME DENYING HIM COULD STOP HIM FROM GIVING IT TO ME. THAT'S HOW PROMISCUOUS I AM.