Updates.

 Well, I wanted to write since a long time because I have so much to say but I'm gonna summarize everything.

1. My period was supposed to be on 14th, but it always comes early so I wore a pad from 12th to 15th without a period! I thought I (finally) got Amenorrhea but guess who is NOT underweight? Yep, me. So, I then thought it was either PCOS or PCOD which would explain my hairy self. Also, I was hurting in certain areas and my breasts felt weirdly hard and painful all the time. I got it on 20th. The good thing about that place was that my periods were actually fun! I would only shed blood on the second day. On the first day it was like discharge. Sometimes my period even ended early. But here I am, on my fourth day still staining every single surface I come in contact with. Also, I only got stomachaches like two or three times there but since I finally came back on 15th my stomachaches are overstaying their visit (it fucking hurtss). Also, I had to teach my sister how to put a pad on and I felt I was um, sistering?

2. When I went back to that place with my father, I just felt I didn't belong there. But my room back home didn't feel like mine either. I had lost this sense of comfort related to where I belong. I returned on 3rd or fourth at 1 am or something. My father went away on 6th. He came with me because he thought it wasn't safe for me to travel alone at midnight at the age of nineteen. That's nice but I hope he also considered that sleeping under my cousin brother's " protection" at age nine wasn't very safe either. Also, my father is okay but like he forces me to do stuff after I deny because I clearly don't want to and it's mostly about food. There's this mall there that I wanted to visit since my inorganic chemistry teacher mentioned it, but I never went there. I wanted to go there with my dad, but he said it'd be pointless. I really don't know how I spent those ten to twelve days there honestly. Mostly lying in bed, eating a meal a day or on my phone. I had an exam on 12th. I was fucking falling asleep the entire time. I met a few people before finally coming back. They were all nice, took pictures. One girl even came down to wish me goodbye. I hope they have happy lives.

3. My room felt weirdly empty after I packed up my stuff. So empty. Also, I had to take two trains. I had five luggage and one of them was super heavy. I somehow took them to the platform. I made sure to thoroughly embarrass myself. The train was at 11 and I was at the platform by 8. Lovely hours. I was able to find the train. This really kind man helped me by putting my trolley up the train. I shared a compartment with a family. Husband and wife with a son who was around a year old with a few relatives. I talked to the kid at times he seemed to like me. I had a lower berth; the mom was above me and the father and kid were beside me. The kid was nice, I talked to him on a few occasions. The dad asked basic info about me and said there is a lot of suicide where I lived, and I was like yes. The train provided lunch and snacks. I ate my whole lunch which was a lot for me. I ate probably one snack and saved the rest. This one sweet I received with the snacks was open, so I asked the staff to exchange it but he never returned. The man was then telling how the people need to work and all of a sudden said that people like her (his wife) are the reason why the nation is so behind like WTF???? I genuinely disliked. He did help me take my luggage out of the train though as my uncle didn't come to receive me.

4. I called my uncle. It was 2 or 3pm when I reached. His office ends at 5:30 so he told me to wait in the AC waiting room on platform number thirteen. The train landed on the fourteenth platform (he thought two) and I had to carry all that stuff by myself. My hands hurt a lot and everything was so heavy. I took turns with them to carry them down the stairs. I was too tired when I finally reached down. It was crowded and had stell chairs so I decided to sit there as I could barely carry them anymore. I sat next to this old man. A few minutes later his wife came. They seemed to be in their mid sixties. My hands were hurting so I started apply vaseline on them. His wife saw and asked if something was wrong. I feel like at that moment I liked her more than I ever liked .y friends because the conversation was very genuine. She helped her husband in his buisness and was going for a religious trip but her train got late by ten hours or so. We talked a lot. She has a son and a daughter. Her daughter is a kathak dancer in Australia and her son des buisness management. She told me her lore, recommended me exercise to relive the pain and many similar ones, she told me health tips and recommend me engineering colleges. Her name was Kalpana Khanna. When I told her where I was returning from she told me twice to not kill myself and it felt like a sign from God. She told me to not get involved with boys until I get a job and she also said I'm perfect. Everything from my weight to my apprence is perfect and I should never change. She did tell me though that I need to be a but clever and not talk to random strangers. I liked her. I feel like the conversation that I had with her was way meaningful that the once I ever had with my own mom. She asked when my uncle would come. She even kept looking for him. Oh she also offerd me tea and foxnuts. My uncle finally came at seven, my train was at eight. She spotted him from me. My uncle bought chowmein and KFC zinger burger. I liked them both even though I was full. At some point it was just both of us talking as the place eventually got empty. I regret I couldn't wish her a proper goodbye. I think some things are meant to be. Like faith. Maybe I was supposed to be at the wrong platform and not reach my destination. I hope she lives a very fulfilled life. I hope she's always happy. 

5. Train 2: amAs I entered this man asked to exchange seeta as his dad had trouble with his leg but before I could agree my uncle immediately denied him. Now, I got the same seat and was stuck with a bunch of related strangers. The elderly man (the dad) asked about me and when I told him where I was coming from he just went "Their mothers aren't educated enough so they pressure their kids to be a doctor, engineer, lawyer, etc" and I was thinking to myself if today is national sexism day specially towards mothers or what??? Like sir, I just met a very capable educated mother of two at the platform so your opinion is completely invalid. If women are uneducated it's because people of your time though of them as a burden and they actually wanted to study so I believe you can respectfully shut up. His words made me consider my uncle did right. Anyway, we did chat and stuff. Then above me was a lady who just left her daughter where I came from and was telling me about her daughter ( she's doomed if she continues her current habits) and asking for tops and telling me she sleeps a lot and gets low in tests and if it's normal or not. Anyway, I had dinner. There also was ice cream but I was too tired from eating and I couldn't finish my dinner and kinda slept. I did wake up at one am though. I probably slept at ten. Twhy did not give me ice cream 😔. In the morning the woman took my number and we talked a Lil bit about what could help her daughter. She'll be okay I guess. Then the father and his son started asking me. The duo was talking to another elderly couple and turns out their daughter was the son's batcmate. Like wow miracle. Btw, these people were like super rich. The son was thirty something with a wife. He has two elder sisters. I talked to them and it was nice. I genuinely liked it. Overall I would give it a 9/10. One mark less for the dad's sexist remark. 

6. Bedwetting: I don't remember sleeping at night. I didn't sleep on the nighg of my birthday or before my exam on fourth. I definitely didn't sleep at night since twenty-fourth when my result came out but I did sleep two days at night when I came back home and guess what I had pissed the bed. It was exactly gpur twenty am when I woke up I was shocked. I remember pissing back in seventh or eight grade and blaming it on my siblings. I wonder uf I did that on the train too since I slept three hours there. I haven't sleitvsince and today is 28th of May, 5:08 am. 5:09 now. 

7. Dreams : I've had all sorts of dreams. In one dream I had Michael Reeves playing hide and seek and towards the end I'm looking for Ali but didn't find him. I need to get this Ali boy out of my head asap. Anyway another dream I'm with my friends and then I get lost. Now these aren't nightmares but then sometimes extremely weird things happen. One that stood out was with my sister and mom. My suster daud something I don't remember but it felt like the time she told my mom I cut myself. Anyway i talk to my mom and apparantly my mom physical abuses my teddy bear Bunny because HE hurt me (not Bunny but him). Bunny is also probably bleeding at dond point ig. In the dream I felt happy though. I felt happy because my mom stood up for me. In that moment I felt I had a mom who cared enough for me. 

8. Parents:  I've veen constantly failing. They're acting nice though. My father is just upset about my sleeping and eating habits. I once told my mom I didn't eat fish in a year and my dad bought it a few days later. I was incredibly grateful. On 23rd I told my mom of they don't sell ice apples at this time and on 24th my dad bought them. For me. He searched for rehm for an hour after his job ended in the extreme summer heat. I went to thank my mom and dad. My dad this this thing on my head and it felt so innocent and pure. It was life a head massager kind of action. Almost as if he plucked a flower/weed from my head. I liked it. I wish this happiness could last. My mom peeled one for me. I live ice apples. It's my favourite fruit. I called them bada litchi (big litchi). 

9. Twenty one pilots: They finally released their album on twenty fourth. They live streamed it at 9:30 am but I was sleeping. I woke up at eleven. Kinda upset but okay ig. I love the album. I hope it wins many grammys. I did eventually watch the livestream too. They kept saying they won't win any awards anymore but if they do I'm definitely not killing myse6and becoming an astronaut. I love the album. 

10. Results: was sleeping and at one am I find out the result came out for another exam u was very much hoping for. It was absolutely shit. I got a 37k rank. Mu mom didn't scold me. I stayed up that night. I wanted to huet myself so bad. I was very upset. I had a lighter with me. J wanted to burn my left arm by placing it directly above a lighter. I checked on shtwt and didn't really find anyone doing it. I wanted to fucking burn my arm and but on those blisters. I'm a shit daughter, sister, friend, student, person, whatever. I hated myself. I cried for like three hours or more. I hated myself. I don't know if I'll even get a college.

11. Coming to maternal grandmother : It's my grandparent's fiftieth anniversary so we came here. I'm being force fed 😔. We're the first ones to arrive. The first thing my sister told me yesterday morning when I woke her up  was will I love her less when our other cousin sisters arrive and I was like "no?"

Anyway. Currently it's 5:27 am.

I sleep during the day to avoid "night"mares 🤓☝️. 

(Btw the day I reached home another cousin brother visited and he asked about HIS wedding. Damn. Also I have a lot to write but poor memory 😔)