He got engaged

I want to chop off my limbs. It's almost four am and I cannot sleep. He got engaged. He got engaged. He got engaged. I want to die. I'm just terribly jealous. The fact that I saw him two days after his engagement. Definitely explains the fresh haircut. On 19th I got a horrible period that I had to take pills and was knocked off for hours. I saw his engagement pictures from his brother's wife Instagram. Considering he's gonna turn thirty six this year he's probably gonna have a child by next year undoubtedly and for some reason I fear it might be a boy, god forbid if it's a girl. Yesterday when I went through his Facebook there a lot more pictures than the last time I saw or maybe I couldn't bear his face for long enough last time. He still has teo pictures of us from back when I was six in 2011 on his Facebook. I looked thin. I look back at pictures of me in third or fourth or seventh grade or the worst tenth grade and I look so fucking fat I want to tear of my flesh to simply lose a few pounds. Today in the elevator a lady told me I've gotten thinner. I told her my t-shirt was oversized. I tried this short skirt my aunt gave me ten years ago. I never wore it. I rarely wore short cloths. I wore that skirt today. Surprisingly I could very well fit into it but my stomach was sticking out. I need to be 88lbs. 

He has rhis folder called "my sister" and it only had pictures of my sister. He had posted a picture of my brother and the titles was "my brother ' or some shit. Did he never consider me his sister? Since how long had he been think6of doing the things he did to me as a kid? Why did he do it again when I literally almost forgot about it. It was my parents anniversary. I can never sleep in my room. He got engaged. His wife is from this city. U tried finding her Instagram but failed. He has two or atleast that's what I found. He got engaged. Do you realise he got engaged? I don't feel very well.

I woke up at like 1pm today or probably it was yesterday I don't remember but my dad was yelling at me. I mean I don't go to school or college or work so it doesn't matter when I sleep. My mom said I should stay up during the day no matter how sleepy I feel because not sleeping at night is a "me" problem. I've stayed up for days and nights on ends mom. How am I supposed to sleep dad ehen I get this feeling at night he's here, egen I close my eyes and it's him again. He's in my head. It was already hard to live and now that he got engaged I'm going insane. Why do I have to suffer when he dud the bad thing? Why me?

Also he doesn't abuse makes so if he has a son he might be safe from Him but there's always a possibility of his son turning out like him but then again I'd never think something about a child that doesn't even exist. 

I have so many hidden blades all over my house even right now. I want to cut. I want to cut. He got engaged. He got engaged. He should've cut my corpse open instead of the cake. I cannot live. He got engaged. He's living life like a normal person. I was not meant to end up like this. I cannot live. My mom doesn't like me, my dad scolds me, my siblings don't listen to me and I don't wanna talk to whatever friends I have. I want to burn myself. I cannot live in the same world as him, especially a world where he's having a future and living happily. I do nothing all day. Nothing. I need to die. I hate myself. Crying all night about him again. It's a repetitive cycle. He got engaged. I cannot breathe. I don't want to live like this. I'd rather choose to be delusional like I was as a kid being cheerful and shit not what I've become. He got engaged. His family had the audacity to come give us sweets. My mom even visited them during that time. Did she go to congratulate him or shit? Is she even my "mother" at this point?

Every once in a while I see this clip of this mom who shot her daughter's killer and I wish my mom was like that. My mom goes to congratulate him on his engagement. Are they really family if they assault your daughter for years, mom? Why does my mom does not understand? I'm going crazy. I'm not doing okay, at all. He got engaged. He got engaged. I want to purge. I want to slit my throat. My body is still aching. I will die. I will sie soon in a suicide framed as an accident. Lil Peep died at 21. Should've been me. He deserved to live. Not me. Not me. I don't even have a college yet. He got engaged. He got engaged. He's gonna get a wife. He's gonna have kids. He's gonna live his life. Nothing helps. I wanted him to hiet teh way he hurt me but he's out here getting engaged. Will I be invited to his wedding? I feel like my parents will attend his wedding and tell me a lie about going somewhere else because "family" and " you won't understand". 

As much as I love my parents I feel like they're horrendous for not standing up for me, or being there with me or comforting me. They simply ignore it. Till this date. They act like his engagement won't affect me or I won't find out. This is the final straw. I'm gonna start cutting again. Not my things through, I go deep too easily.aybw my sleeves. The scarson my arms make me feel horrible in public. Innver realised Bristol would see my scars when I visited her. I realised it when I reached there. I kept my hands behind my back most of the time though. He got engaged. He got engaged. People congratulated him in the comments. Sure. 

Thank you Bristol.

I keep forgetting to shower or brush or shit or eat or do anything in supposed to do. Currently I have to make the grey bracelet from cmbyn, finish my blender donut and read a little life and possibly other books but it's been more than a month and I've done nothing. I went without sleeping for like two days and I finally slept yesterday and I woke up at one pm today. It's hard to sleep at night again since I saw him again. 

My mom does not like me. She hates me. My grandma keeps telling me how skilled my mom was blah blah and how she regrets marrying my mom instead of letting her get a job. That's true, my mom was skilled. Bristol's birthday is on 27th and I wanted to give her an amiguromi cat or bunny but I've never even touched a crochet Hook so I thought I'd make a duck since it's beginner friendly. I wanted to give her a gift that I put effort into instead of painting something which I think wouldn't be genuine. I asked my mom if she could help me and she said she stopped doing all that since she got pregnant with me. It feels like I ruined her life. I want to die. I just want my mom to hug me. I don't feel very well. I have a terrible headache since I woke up, it's like the ones I used to have in eighth grade. 

I checked my mom's phone today and His brother's wife had His picture with another girl as her profile pic. What. He got engaged. Even He changed his profile pic to a picture of him and his fiance. 

The first picture is from his brother's wife and the second one is his profile pic (my parents still have his number saved).

My parents are sleeping rn so I took my dad's phone and saw his Facebook account (my parents are friends with him on Facebook) and he updated his relationship status. His real name starts with A. His wife's name is Anita Singh. I shared her name as her last name will soon change to his so I'm not actually leaking her privacy. Wanna guess the date he got engaged? 16th. The same day Bristol visited me. I'm so glad Bristol exists. His sister and brother's wife came to give us sweets about his engagement the next day. Bristol invited me out that day. I'm so glad Bristol exists. I didn't have to hear about his engagement. I mean I did hear that he was gonna get married but like the fuck he got engaged???? Also the fact my mom made Pav bhaji that day which was HIS favourite dish. I'm going insane. Which woman in her right mind would marry someone who had intimate relationship with a kid?

I'm going insane over the fact that's he's out there living his life meanwhile I'm barely living. I don't even have a college yet and he got a fiance. Fuck my life. Why dies he get to live his life normally meanwhile all I do is get thoughts about him. The more I think the more my head hurts. I can barely function. 

I try to tell myself it's not a big deal and it's over and I was never raped atleast or even physically severally assaulted but then again all I wanted was friends and someone to like me. I used to call him Aacha Bhaiya as a kid and his brother Bura bhaiya. I hate myself. I want to slash my neck. 

The other day I was trying to talk with my mom about my sister because she's a preteen and has a harsh time growing up. She's growing too fast. She's taller than most of her classmates and everyone assumes she's a ninth grader. She's got her period and somewhat developed breasts. She also struggles with her weight and skin colour. I tried to tell my mom about her insecurities sober could make her feel confident about herself and my mom says " she didn't grow up as protected as you, we were around you all the time" and another line about looking after me all the time but I didn't hear that carefully because the furst line was like idk ground shaking like what dud you just say? YOU L O O K E D AFTER ME A L L T H E T I M E? Is it mom? So you let him willing do it to me? We're you standing near the door of your one bedroom apartment while he did it to me in the dark? Kinda mahes sense veva6he dud it on a daily basis and you never found out. You hated me so much you let him do it in front of you. Too bad I told you before he could possibly kill me maybe and you had to put him away frim my life. 

I'm so sick of my grandmother telli6me how amazing abd talented and skilled my mom was at my age. I'm filled with envy because I'm nothing like her. I forgot the next line. I just want my mom to like me sometimes. I want her to hug me and tell me it's okay and I'm going to be alright and possibly even apologize for what happened to me. I really want my mom to like me sometimes. 

My headache is killing me. I'll never be worthy of living. I hate myself. I see girls my age and they're so pretty and well dresses while I'm here with my awful posture and acne filled face not to mention how fucking fat I am. I really want my mom to hug me. I cannot tell you how hard it is to keep simply living from day to day with him on my mind. I had this one dream about him today that I was lying naked in my brother's room and he was asking me to get up and come to him. It was like sixth grade. 

I personally feel that of I could forget about him and whatever he did to me I could possibly improve my way of living. Was I really meant to be this miserable? I really want to feel okay someday. I want to be okay. I want to not think about him. Just me. Focus on me. Afterall he's not doing anything to me right now. My body hurts so much. I just want to lie down and decay. I want my family and those who've been nive to me to be okay. I want to be okay. I want to cut myself but I know if I try again I will need to get hospitalised. I have to stop existing. 

Just recalled what I forgot. My mom was wayyyy Skinner than me at my age. Like I once saw the pic they sent to my dad and damn she'd get atleast 5k liked on edtwt ngl. When will it bey turn to lose forty pounds:///