My mom does not like me. She hates me. My grandma keeps telling me how skilled my mom was blah blah and how she regrets marrying my mom instead of letting her get a job. That's true, my mom was skilled. Bristol's birthday is on 27th and I wanted to give her an amiguromi cat or bunny but I've never even touched a crochet Hook so I thought I'd make a duck since it's beginner friendly. I wanted to give her a gift that I put effort into instead of painting something which I think wouldn't be genuine. I asked my mom if she could help me and she said she stopped doing all that since she got pregnant with me. It feels like I ruined her life. I want to die. I just want my mom to hug me. I don't feel very well. I have a terrible headache since I woke up, it's like the ones I used to have in eighth grade.
I checked my mom's phone today and His brother's wife had His picture with another girl as her profile pic. What. He got engaged. Even He changed his profile pic to a picture of him and his fiance. 
The first picture is from his brother's wife and the second one is his profile pic (my parents still have his number saved).
My parents are sleeping rn so I took my dad's phone and saw his Facebook account (my parents are friends with him on Facebook) and he updated his relationship status. His real name starts with A. His wife's name is Anita Singh. I shared her name as her last name will soon change to his so I'm not actually leaking her privacy. Wanna guess the date he got engaged? 16th. The same day Bristol visited me. I'm so glad Bristol exists. His sister and brother's wife came to give us sweets about his engagement the next day. Bristol invited me out that day. I'm so glad Bristol exists. I didn't have to hear about his engagement. I mean I did hear that he was gonna get married but like the fuck he got engaged???? Also the fact my mom made Pav bhaji that day which was HIS favourite dish. I'm going insane. Which woman in her right mind would marry someone who had intimate relationship with a kid?
I'm going insane over the fact that's he's out there living his life meanwhile I'm barely living. I don't even have a college yet and he got a fiance. Fuck my life. Why dies he get to live his life normally meanwhile all I do is get thoughts about him. The more I think the more my head hurts. I can barely function.
I try to tell myself it's not a big deal and it's over and I was never raped atleast or even physically severally assaulted but then again all I wanted was friends and someone to like me. I used to call him Aacha Bhaiya as a kid and his brother Bura bhaiya. I hate myself. I want to slash my neck.
The other day I was trying to talk with my mom about my sister because she's a preteen and has a harsh time growing up. She's growing too fast. She's taller than most of her classmates and everyone assumes she's a ninth grader. She's got her period and somewhat developed breasts. She also struggles with her weight and skin colour. I tried to tell my mom about her insecurities sober could make her feel confident about herself and my mom says " she didn't grow up as protected as you, we were around you all the time" and another line about looking after me all the time but I didn't hear that carefully because the furst line was like idk ground shaking like what dud you just say? YOU L O O K E D AFTER ME A L L T H E T I M E? Is it mom? So you let him willing do it to me? We're you standing near the door of your one bedroom apartment while he did it to me in the dark? Kinda mahes sense veva6he dud it on a daily basis and you never found out. You hated me so much you let him do it in front of you. Too bad I told you before he could possibly kill me maybe and you had to put him away frim my life.
I'm so sick of my grandmother telli6me how amazing abd talented and skilled my mom was at my age. I'm filled with envy because I'm nothing like her. I forgot the next line. I just want my mom to like me sometimes. I want her to hug me and tell me it's okay and I'm going to be alright and possibly even apologize for what happened to me. I really want my mom to like me sometimes.
My headache is killing me. I'll never be worthy of living. I hate myself. I see girls my age and they're so pretty and well dresses while I'm here with my awful posture and acne filled face not to mention how fucking fat I am. I really want my mom to hug me. I cannot tell you how hard it is to keep simply living from day to day with him on my mind. I had this one dream about him today that I was lying naked in my brother's room and he was asking me to get up and come to him. It was like sixth grade.
I personally feel that of I could forget about him and whatever he did to me I could possibly improve my way of living. Was I really meant to be this miserable? I really want to feel okay someday. I want to be okay. I want to not think about him. Just me. Focus on me. Afterall he's not doing anything to me right now. My body hurts so much. I just want to lie down and decay. I want my family and those who've been nive to me to be okay. I want to be okay. I want to cut myself but I know if I try again I will need to get hospitalised. I have to stop existing.
Just recalled what I forgot. My mom was wayyyy Skinner than me at my age. Like I once saw the pic they sent to my dad and damn she'd get atleast 5k liked on edtwt ngl. When will it bey turn to lose forty pounds:///
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