He got engaged

I want to chop off my limbs. It's almost four am and I cannot sleep. He got engaged. He got engaged. He got engaged. I want to die. I'm just terribly jealous. The fact that I saw him two days after his engagement. Definitely explains the fresh haircut. On 19th I got a horrible period that I had to take pills and was knocked off for hours. I saw his engagement pictures from his brother's wife Instagram. Considering he's gonna turn thirty six this year he's probably gonna have a child by next year undoubtedly and for some reason I fear it might be a boy, god forbid if it's a girl. Yesterday when I went through his Facebook there a lot more pictures than the last time I saw or maybe I couldn't bear his face for long enough last time. He still has teo pictures of us from back when I was six in 2011 on his Facebook. I looked thin. I look back at pictures of me in third or fourth or seventh grade or the worst tenth grade and I look so fucking fat I want to tear of my flesh to simply lose a few pounds. Today in the elevator a lady told me I've gotten thinner. I told her my t-shirt was oversized. I tried this short skirt my aunt gave me ten years ago. I never wore it. I rarely wore short cloths. I wore that skirt today. Surprisingly I could very well fit into it but my stomach was sticking out. I need to be 88lbs. 

He has rhis folder called "my sister" and it only had pictures of my sister. He had posted a picture of my brother and the titles was "my brother ' or some shit. Did he never consider me his sister? Since how long had he been think6of doing the things he did to me as a kid? Why did he do it again when I literally almost forgot about it. It was my parents anniversary. I can never sleep in my room. He got engaged. His wife is from this city. U tried finding her Instagram but failed. He has two or atleast that's what I found. He got engaged. Do you realise he got engaged? I don't feel very well.

I woke up at like 1pm today or probably it was yesterday I don't remember but my dad was yelling at me. I mean I don't go to school or college or work so it doesn't matter when I sleep. My mom said I should stay up during the day no matter how sleepy I feel because not sleeping at night is a "me" problem. I've stayed up for days and nights on ends mom. How am I supposed to sleep dad ehen I get this feeling at night he's here, egen I close my eyes and it's him again. He's in my head. It was already hard to live and now that he got engaged I'm going insane. Why do I have to suffer when he dud the bad thing? Why me?

Also he doesn't abuse makes so if he has a son he might be safe from Him but there's always a possibility of his son turning out like him but then again I'd never think something about a child that doesn't even exist. 

I have so many hidden blades all over my house even right now. I want to cut. I want to cut. He got engaged. He got engaged. He should've cut my corpse open instead of the cake. I cannot live. He got engaged. He's living life like a normal person. I was not meant to end up like this. I cannot live. My mom doesn't like me, my dad scolds me, my siblings don't listen to me and I don't wanna talk to whatever friends I have. I want to burn myself. I cannot live in the same world as him, especially a world where he's having a future and living happily. I do nothing all day. Nothing. I need to die. I hate myself. Crying all night about him again. It's a repetitive cycle. He got engaged. I cannot breathe. I don't want to live like this. I'd rather choose to be delusional like I was as a kid being cheerful and shit not what I've become. He got engaged. His family had the audacity to come give us sweets. My mom even visited them during that time. Did she go to congratulate him or shit? Is she even my "mother" at this point?

Every once in a while I see this clip of this mom who shot her daughter's killer and I wish my mom was like that. My mom goes to congratulate him on his engagement. Are they really family if they assault your daughter for years, mom? Why does my mom does not understand? I'm going crazy. I'm not doing okay, at all. He got engaged. He got engaged. I want to purge. I want to slit my throat. My body is still aching. I will die. I will sie soon in a suicide framed as an accident. Lil Peep died at 21. Should've been me. He deserved to live. Not me. Not me. I don't even have a college yet. He got engaged. He got engaged. He's gonna get a wife. He's gonna have kids. He's gonna live his life. Nothing helps. I wanted him to hiet teh way he hurt me but he's out here getting engaged. Will I be invited to his wedding? I feel like my parents will attend his wedding and tell me a lie about going somewhere else because "family" and " you won't understand". 

As much as I love my parents I feel like they're horrendous for not standing up for me, or being there with me or comforting me. They simply ignore it. Till this date. They act like his engagement won't affect me or I won't find out. This is the final straw. I'm gonna start cutting again. Not my things through, I go deep too easily.aybw my sleeves. The scarson my arms make me feel horrible in public. Innver realised Bristol would see my scars when I visited her. I realised it when I reached there. I kept my hands behind my back most of the time though. He got engaged. He got engaged. People congratulated him in the comments. Sure.