A lot of things happening lately. So much I can't even remember. To tiered to type. I did go out with this girl a few days ago. In ninth grade she told me I deserve all the bad things that have happened to me. I still think about it. We went to McDonald's and bought our individual burgers. Not only did she take my entire side of the plate (I had larger fries) but she insisted on taking a bite out of my burger. I told her I could tear and give her a pice but she insisted on biting it. This is the second time I had to eat food which had someone else's spit. It is definitely a lot for me. I hate when people do it. I hate it.
I want to kill myself. Yesterday I went to my college's orientation and it was so shit. I was severely sleep deprived so I kept falling asleep. What I did hear was we need points and I gotta study a lot. I don't know. I'm so scared. There was this protest while returning. It was regarding the recent rape case in my state. It's gotten attention throughout my country actually. The woman was a doctor and she was raped and killed. We were trying to return and the busses won't arive. My mom told me to go check but I asked her to join me. She was refusing but she did. All she had to say was " she had so many degrees" that is all she could say. It almost justfies what happened to me from her point of view. Like my mom did not perceive her as a human but someone who had a degree (she was 30). I felt so sad.
Today my dad told me to not go outside 5pm. I mean it wouldn't matter if it happened for the 100th time to me. Tomorrow there is a strike of some sort.
Yesterday at the strike this man threw money on the ground and said it to give it to the protesting woman as they're only here for the money. A group of boys who also probably went to the orientation were giggling. Other older men were recording videos almost pointing the camera at the faces of the women. It all felt so disturbing and dehumanising.
Today my siblings went to a birthday. I generally go too but it was in the apartment he lives in. Mom said it's okay if I don't go as my aunt (his mom) will say that I can go to someone else's apartment but not theirs. Like um, you have a child predator living in yours???? Why would any sane person would go there???? Also my mom visited a few days ago. I have so much anger inside of me.
Yesterday after hearing the academic shit I have to achieve it was like a motivation for one step forward towads committing suicide.
My dad had dinner outside and he returned and slept. I pulled my brother's cheek as he rang the doorbell even tho he already pulled the gate a second ago and I was on my way. It would've disturbed my dad. My brother began crying and all the neighbours saw and saud it's my fault. If I did it my mom used to give me a beating but now she claims she didn't. She also made such an angry face at me when she saw my bro crying I thought she was legit gonna hit me. She said it's all my fault but I was angry. Because why would she take my siblings anywhere near where he lives and why would she never acknowledge what happened to me. Never. Also my mom beats my bro like hell and dude cries for like 5 mins but I pulled his clerk and dude is crying for a solid fifteen minutes and as soon as mom went to another room he stopped. Also I was telling my mom how my brother does not behave well and she just shrugs it off saying "that's how boys are" and she said "I never knew you could argue with me" and at that moment I wanted to yell at her " I never knew you couldn't protect me".
Hearing about the the case over snd over again keeps reminding me of what happened to me. I know it's wrong and it was a long time aho and I should think about how this poor woman suffered but I keep thinking about him. The worst part is i think why is she the one to be dead. Why not me? I'm a horrible person already irrespective of what happened to me. I deserved to die, not her. Also the support this case is receiving is actually so muce but then my country trying it's best to be the #1 rape capital is just hushing it down. My friends said they will be going to protests. I want to go too but my dad put a 5pm curfew on me like haha it's not my fault that someone is a scum why should I lock myself when they should be locked in jail waiting for their death penalty.
It's been almost 4½ years now. I was thinking that if I stay alive from ten years from now it'll still stay with me. The thoughts. I would like to be over this but it hurts so bad. Also my hair keeps falling. I mean so much hair my entire palm is filled with it. Even though I justvwanted to tie a ponytail. So mych hairloss. My digestive system is so shit. My mom does not understand when I say I only want to eat a certain amount of food because I will be purging it later. I feel absolutely shit. Im always having a headache and I feel like I'm almost gonna pass out. My legs are so fat I want to chop off the fat for the 1000th time. I feel so shit. I have to work super hard in college. I probably need 163 academic points to get a btech degree and 20more points to get an honors. I also need 100 non academic points. I don't know how to get them but I want all of them. Also, while returning yesterday I saw those purple flowers and it's funny because I was thinking of him again. I genuinely mean it when I say I barely remember my childhood apart from him. All the amazing things that I experienced as a child? Gone. Just rage.
I hate him so much it's unreal. I blame all my self disappointments at him. Not that it would ever matter to him. Sleep deprived? Him. Can't eat? Him. Angry? Him. I want to get back at cutting too because it's actually quite numbing. I'm just scared I'll go too deep. I know I've been saying for months now that I'll get back at cutting but I'm jyst scared because when I cut I am not in a very healthy mindset and I tend to go way deeper that I intend to and it's hard to take care of. I wanted to do a part time job too but idk how I'll be able to because I'm actually very shitty at academis because I have to work twice as hard as others just to get half of what they achieve and I know it's my fault for being so slow but seeing results do make me happy.
Also, as a kid whenever my mom scolded it hit me I'd go to apologise to her. My mom literally scolds my sister and she never apologize and my mom is totally fine with that because t"hat's how my sister is". A few years ago I asked my mom if I was terrible because she never praises my good behaviour but other parents praise the slightest of nice behaviour their kids show. My mom used to say that those parents dong know how to raise their kids and that you should always praise behind their back and never to their faces. Maybe not all kids are the same. Maybe if she praised me I would've liked myself more. There's a generation gap between me and my siblings and we had very different childhood and upbringings but my siblings aren't as disciplined as I was and also they also have friends and I lot of things I didn't as a kid abd sometimes I do get jealous because what id the point of growing up like this if I had to be a failure like this. I genuinely am such a horrible person. My mom says my friends like me because they don't see how I'm at home and it just makes me think will people really leave me the more open I am to them? I dont know. I don't want to make friends in college. I feel horrible. Why do I have to be the worst person ever to exist. I <3 the music Sufjan Stevens makes. I hope Khaled Hosseini publishes another novel. Sometimes I get so jealous of people my age when I see them on the internet. I keep thinking why is it not me? Why do I have to be me? Why can't I choose to not exist? Just delete the fact that I ever existed. He hasn't apologizes yet. No one who ever hurt me has apologized yet and I'm so tired of waiting. I hate myself so much if I wasn't me I'd still kill me.
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