When I was a kid once he took me to this playground field nearby. I touched this flower. He said it was poisonous. He probably carried me home or maybe I walked, I don't remember. That is the kind of love I wanted from him. I wanted him to love me like a brother is supposed to live their little sister. I genuinely cannot live. Ever since march 2020 I feel like I should've died but I haven't and I just keep living and not experiencing. I am so tierd. Also I took this pic last year when I visted this beach I webt as a child in 2008. This was near a park I went back in 2008. Didn't visit last year as it was broken.
Mom said today his mom is so pretentious. His mom said she and me are the same innocent and then my mom says that not in seven lifetimes would I be like her. It almost made me laugh. What is my mom trying to say. A few days ago she does acknowledge that I became " insane" around 2020, guess what happened back then mom. I am so touch averted I hate anyone who touches me. My mom tries to which only makes me dislike her more. S tried to hug me as she was leaving and I know we're friends but no why touch. Also the most sensitive part is my neck. He did things there very often. I feel so disgusted. I wonder since when dud things get bad. 2016 when I fainted? Maybe. I am so hungry. I gained Akil but of the weight I lost last month because I ate pasta yesterday. Mom was telling me how much she and dud did for me as a child but genuinely I can barely remember. I can barely remember anything before he started doing it again. After that it's all a haze. He is getting married. He'll have a kid by next year. I'll have to go see it as my mom will force me to. How can I ever cope up with that. I simply can't put it behind me. O feel a sharp pain in my privates since a few days and I don't know what that is. Sometimes I feel like I'm slowly dying. Mom told this random lady about me counting calories. My parents are fed up with me. I am fed up with me. I just want somebody to love me and sadly they're not my parents. My siblings are too young and immature. I feel so alone. I cannot sleep. All I do is think about him. Day and night in repeat. How do I get him out of my head. I simply can't. I'll kill myself if this keeps going. I'm losing my mind. Him him him. It's all him. There's no me because I'm a filthy piece of shit.
In 2020 every morning me, him and mom used to go out for a jog in that field. I'd run away from mom and him. He used to act so normal and then come back home and molest me later that day. Will I ever be loved? I just want to be happy sometimes. I want to stop crying but all I am is shaking. I hate myself. I hate myself. I want to be normal. I wnat to be. He is eating away my brain. I don't want to think about him. It hurts. My whole body aches. I just want to be okay.
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