NOT demure.

I feel VERY vulnerable rn. Today was rakshabandhan. Today was supposed to be my first day of college. Even though I'll be living in a dorm with another girl I didn't complete shift there yet. I was supposed to go alone. The recent rape and murder case has caused a huge outrage in my country. Even Stephanie Soo released an episode on it today. It's so weird to think that it not only happened in my state my my literal city. Back to where I was, I didn't go to college because I was sleep deprived as always. Lately my sleep deprivation hours have a gone a bit too far which is beyond my repair so I'll will be feeling sleepy as if I'm intoxicated by alcohol. Like I genuinely will just fall asleep all of a sudden unaware of my surroundings. It was in control a few months ago. Like I could atleast be semi conscious of my surroundings. That's how I even gave a few exams earlier this year but now it's hard for me. Last Saturday I went to keep my stuff in college dorm and while returning I was almost passed out on the bus.y mom was with me so she wokee up and it was so hard. While going towards the bux exit I even accidentally grabbed this old lady's hair instead of like the handle. I wanted to apologise but I couldn't speak. I could barely walk either. Waking up from sleep is definitely a huge issue because I don't feel in control of my body for a while and to do all that waking was genuinely hard. Towards the end while returning home I was gripping to my mom as if she was a cane. So I didn't go today because what if I feel into a similar situation. And I had luggage to carry and I had to switch transportations atleast three times. But staying home today was an even bigger mistake. I did get to sleep idk when but my kept trying to wake me up and I simply couldn't control my body to physically get up. I finally got up at around 2pm when my mom yelled at me. It still took me time to get up. My sister had school so all three of us celebrated rakhi and we ate lunch and it was okay really up until 4pm. I was eating lunch and even though I genuinely feel disgusted by food in general and my skin disease has gotten worse I still wanted to eat the food my mom made today because I was craving it for months. My skin disease is do bad rn like it's not at its peak worst but I might say third of fourth worst. My fingers will have a burning sensation for HOURS. Now I've experienced this since atleast ten years if not more which it is but back then it was only if I eat spicy food or maybe I take too long to eat but now doesn't matter what I eat my fingers will burn and back then maybe it was for an hour or too at max but now if I eat something spicy for say lunch the sensation will still be there while I eat dinner although it has faded out but it's still there. My fingers will burn at anything even rice. Also lately they seem to burn if something is too hot or cold and my skin has started peeling off my fingers. Again, skin peeling of my fingers is a very common issue but now it's peeling because of me touching food which was not the case earlier. Despite all these I was eating when bam! His mom, brother's wife and brother's daughter appear. I just lost it. I did not want to eat anymore. I wanted to go back to my room and hang myself. I was desperately hoping Bristol would save me like she did on 16th and 17th of June. I had to touch their feet as if I'd ever want someone like them to bless me. I was eating when mom gave his brother's wife lunch so now I was eating with her. I told my mom I couldn't finish my lunch but obviously she wouldn't allow me so I somehow dumped it down my throat. I wanted to drink water but I genuinely didn't want to be in her presence. I went back to my room and tried closing the door but my mom started showing me eyes and was getting angry on me cause it's rude. But I really did shut the door. Oh and by the way his mom sat beside me initially before going into my mom's room and simply locking the door from inside. What an odd thing to do at someone's house like are you tryna steal? Anyway maybe half an hour later my mom calls me to tie her his brother's wife this thread. Females don't tie rakhi but whatever and honestly it was such a joke beacuse she tells me shit about him at times and it triggers the fuck out of me like ik6i didn't need to hear that.  Now we both have to give sweets to each other, like put it in the mouth I kept the one she gave to me upto my lips and then quickly took them in my hand to make sure my spit doesn't touch it and then trew it down the bin, thoroughly washed my hands and brushed my teeeh. I went back to lay after taht but I feel asleep. I probably woke up at seven or eight again and now about 9pm his elder brother shows up. It was such a joke event cause like I'm trying you this fucking piece of thread to protect me. Anyway so again I tie the thread to his elder brother and he gives me seven hundred which I give to my mom. He hasn't given me a gift since 2020 atleast so whatever I don't care. I had to interact with him and it was super awkward. HE is my brother and today was the day we celebrate to you know protect our sisters. So fucking funny hahahaah. Also with the ongoing rape and murder case a lot of women are being harassed, physically and sexually assaulted, abused in several ways, tortured, raped and murdered. This makes me think what if he comes after me because he might think I might speak up with the current things going on. Two girls from my college campus were groped in a protest. Everytime I go out I feel so sacred. I went my dad on Sunday almost at night like amybe 8pm to but stuff like locks to take to my dorm room and I swear people were looking weird at me. And look I've felt this for the longest time but this time it was scary and most of them were men. Also there was a protest march going down the street while I was at a stationary shop and people were treating it as an inconvenience. Oh not to forget my mom scolded me today for NOT interacting with them and locking myself in my room for the most part like I swear I would cut myself today itself it was so fucking triggering just seeing his family. I did not have a fresh blade lying around most of them had rust. Like my mom expect me to do? Go to his mom and massage her and tell her what a saint her son is and would she liek to give me as an offering to the devil's at her fucking son's wedding like mom are you okay???????? 

I got information about the rape and murder case through bits and pieces but I did hear the podcast Stephanie Soo put out and it kind of makes its seem a bit collected which makes it so scary. I don't think I should talk about my issued in this blog anymore cause there's clearly a massive shitstorm out there. Women are being killed and assaulted AFTER this huge case. It's almost as if scums of the earth feel like they have power because they know they wouldn't be punished by the law. I am so FUCKING sick and tired of simply the amount of rape that happens in this country not to mention the sexual assaults that happen to so many people of different backgrounds and genders. The only time it even comes to public notice is when the rape victim has been killed and it only gets serious attention when it's gangrape. I'm not even kidding you. Acid attack and acid attack threats are another thing to unpack. Also I feel so severely betrayed because I always thought my state was the safest in the country which it is according to the stats and charts plus the fact that people call their daughter "ma" or sometimes eben random women by this term. I thought this state had a lot of respect towards woman compared to the entire nation. We even have a whole festival for female gods which is celebrated a bit more glamorous way compared to the other states. Also I heard that parents do not discriminate if a female child is born rather they prefer female children. All of that has been shattered. Nobody is safe throughout the country and definitely NOT the women.

 The world seems so doomed. I get these videos recommended on YouTube shorts of babies who aren't even a year old being saved from rubbles or just attacks in Gaza and for a moment I feel happy that the kid is saved but then that shouldn't be the way things should be. Like it's horrible to imagine the terrible things going on in the world right now and it only gets worse each day. So many fucking wars. I'm not lying but I feel way more paranoid right now that I usually do. I just don't know how to comprehend things lately. Also you might think I'm a bitch cause my behaviour was rude towards his family but I was respectful towards them, I simply didn't interact. Also I shouldn't be anywhere near him or his family in the first place cause even seeing them puts me in a bad place. There's no way I'd sleep at like 4 or 5pm after waking up at 2 pm so I purely slept just so that I wouldn't have to interact with his family. I feel very scared right now.