Always making teh wrong choices.
Colleg is all about hating and failing.
I have this teacher who is probably 70 to 90 years old and he reminds me of the man who abused me and the otehr kids back in 2013. Funnily enough, I found more comfort in talking to the other kids than how my parents made me feel after everything was over and done. I sat on the first bench because I have trouble seeing the board and the teacher was not teaching on the podium. Often times he was right in front of me ans even though I'd describe my tecaher as a skinny and frail man he seemed so huge and engulfing while he was in front of me. I was afraid to move or breathe.
Today my classes decided to do a mass bink on our public speaking class. But me and a few more classmates went to this public speaking group and basically did the same thing we would do in our class. Unlike my official class where we are given topic here we could choose our own topic. I wanted to talk about japanese media but I ended up speaking about eating disorders. I didn't like how the teacher there only pointed out anorexia which is not even the right medical term, it's anorexia nervosa. Also Others pointed out ( pointing out mistakes is a part of the class to imporve ourselves) that I speak too fast and don't make eye contact which is true.
Funny thing is I just had a binge eating episode before I attended this session. I ate an entire box of almond Snickers and now I took two more snacks that I was supposed to (basically stealing) and ate that. All I consume is sugar. I have horrible leg cramps.
Two people in my dorm pointed out I speak a lot and I hate it when people say that about me because my high school english teacher aka my class teacher told that to my mom during our mid terms meeting and my mom could barely believe it. I'm just overdoing things, all the time. I've heard that complaint since I was a kid and almost enjoyed it but not since things changed.
I have severe inferiority complex especially towards males or just someone who's taller, thinner or academically better than me. I go to basketball practice today and I see boys like tehse and I want to jump off some roof. I hate boys so much. All I do is listen to Sufjan Stevens. I'm getting academically terrible each day. I barely sleep two hours. I barely call home. Always dehydrated and let's not mention my hairloss for the billonth time.
I accidentally gave Bristol my Letterboxd account. She read through my reviews. I didn't like that. I did mention her there too. Quite a number of the movies that I watched were regarding the LGBTQ community and idk how I'm supposed to feel after Bristol finding that out. My review for the movie "Water Lillies" is " this doubled my faith in Lesbianism and gave it back to me." Also I couldn't do two C programs in my computer lab yesterday. I feel so horrible. I wish I was worth something. He is getting married. Should I talk to his wife? I was restricting so good until my father bought the stuff for me. Stuck in a binge cycle ever since. Maybe I'll purge today's dinner. I feel guilty about purging food i but with money because it's a waste of food and money but then things are just hard. I feel very secluded in my class. I hate everyone. I want to be perfect. Perfect at basketball, perfect at Maths and academics I'm general, I want to be taller and thinner but I'm nonw of them. In a particular situation I might be all these things compared to the people around me but I'm not THE BEST. There was this guy today in basketball practice and he was playing so good and he was taller than me and ran faster than me and was more confident than me and I hated every second of it. I hate the girls too. I hate everyone in this goddamn college. Also, I've never been okay with being touched in any form but girls here are a bit too much which makes me gate them more. The girl who was simping on my laptop touched my hair yesterday and said my hair is so dense but I didn't want to be touched. I hate being touched. One of the girls I hate was behaving horrible with me throughout class. She also comes to basketball practice and even there was a pain in my ass and I just looked at her and I said to myself "I hate you so fucking much" ans towards the end of the day she got this cramp and had trouble walking back home. I had to move her leg, carry her stuff, being medicine for her even though her roommate and her friend were present. It was all so humiliating. Also I wouldn't really wish any form of physical illness on someone like her. It's not like she assaulted me. She's also learning and growing and almost I would wish her a bad grade on a test or maybe being scolded by the teacher. Also I envy how open people are. As if if someone has a physical problem or anything like that teh tell people but for me it's always i have to bear it within. Take the blame on myself, make myself the bad one. Why do I do that. My tecaher called me to ask about twh student's regarding the mass bunk and I was about to put all the blame on myself for no reason, another classmate told me not to do it. Why would I harm myself for people that I don't even like. I don't like my roomate very much either to be honest. I hate everyone here. Every single day I'm thinking to myself about how I'm actually alive and living and this is reality and my actions will have consequences. It all feels so surreal. I don't wnat to be here or at home. I really do wish to die. So much. So so much.
Mom called a few minutes ago and asked how academics and basketball were going ans i showed a thumbs down for both and she just said she'll find a boy for me and marry me off and I can have a child by next year and how I can atleast sucess there to make her a grandmother. She's been saying this ever since I was a kid and it makes me hate her every time she says this.
Counting alluvial plains.
P.S. the teacher while criticizing my speech said "I see why you'd feel closer to the topic and how it influences you and impacted your life, anorexia is definitely bad" like ummm ma'am not to interrupt you but I just binged🤓🤪. Also I couldn't say all my points cause I said points that break the stereotypes but they still kept holding on to it like no ma'am I don't struggle with anorexia at all but I am very good at eating lots of food😘😋.
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