repeat the cycle

 woke up with my dad yelling again lol. mom was yelling at my brother. erotic asphyxiation reference in sober to death. one of the most embarrassing ways to die. I used to watch gore as i told you and um one of the most not so gruesome videos would be death by this. it was basically clips where the police or family members found the people naked in front of a mirror with their necks or somewhat tied. i mean better than cartel videos and suicide bombers, ig. i am indulging completely watching perks of being a wallflower and honestly like i say i was in 2 relationships but the first one was like weird and then he kinda asked me to send like "nice" or whatever pictures which traslates to nudes or something like that and i was obviously like "what?" but yea the second relationship was lowkey what charlie had with mary elizabeth, very light version though because i am in india. like legit the dude would text me all day and then would go on to say we don't talk, also the music part, i relate with charlie. did i tell you how we broke up? incase i didn't i did try ethically breaking up with him in the end of march but him being him never listened so i lied to him in early or like mid april how my mom found out about us and that she's gonna marry me off and basically i was projecting shit. DESPITE THAT he was like no i like you nooo but like honestly i want to know like what exactly did he like abbout me or was he just like aah this is the only girl that talks t me. no like i did ask him yk and he would idk say random shit. anyway, coming back, Charlie writes he hasn't seen his friends in two weeks and it's getting bad again and honestly is getting bad or rather has gotten bad for me too and i won't be seeing my friends as well for atleast two weeks. Also reading a little life and like wow everything i am doing lately is lowkey to trigger me, also twin fantasy album is gonna destroy me i swear. also i think bristol is angry/upset/diappointed/ negative emotion towards me because she used a new tag on her blog and i asked what it was and she said:

like what why did i do something i am sorry. really in the self destructive arc. my mom probably sensed that i am cutting again or will start to because even at home i barely contact them. i really want to fucking die man like honestly. i mean i do see him irl from time to time but like that day was just well just scary. gonna make myself an omlette and finish the movie. then do trigonometry. 

did, made a double egg omlette used to love it ig a decade ago or so. i came back to ask that does "nothing" kiss charlie in the book as well? i don't remember very well tbh.

my chest pain and breating issue has gotten worse. i've had it for a really long time but lately my chest beats really fast randomly. i had it during exams as well and thought it was the excessive caffine consumption nut i barely consume any form of caffine now and can barely breathe. also i might gave to go out to get glasses. tild my mom if we could get a home checkup and she said let's bring your professors here as well, at home. valid. oh and i was crying last night as well, same issue. its nice to cry honestly, don't do that often. will go trig, bye.

so done with twin fantasy, i like mirror to mirror more because it feels raw and i don't want to mature. listening to their new album scholars, they even reference to beach life in death being 12 mins long in one song. i have a feeling bristol likes face to face more. i asked her but she was gatekeeping. can't listen to the song without galvanism tbh. from this album i like the song Gethsemane, didn't pay attention to the others. need to study instead of writing here 24/7. too much food makes me drowsy. 

okay, no more cutting because these blades wont really work, they're a bit weird. i am not leaving either so it's just me and studying in these two weeks ig. i'll keep writing though.

she is really nice but what can i tell her to make it believable. Also what exactly is going on with the meaning stuff. i did turn on my phone, wouldn't do that to respond to anyone else though. also, apprently that blade works but like if your skin is thin which is for my arms. my thigs are fucking fat. i have decided to order online so let me check if i can. I can't and won't. brb.  

hahahahahhaah bristol knows about this blog because I TOLD HER and i forgot about it, completly. yes. she read something. i'll change the name. Okay, changed it. She won't be able to find this anymore. sorry.

Twin fantasy is such a doomed album because I tried listening to other stuff but I simply couldn't. I love mirror to mirror version like I've said this but yea. Love the album. 

Can't wait for Spotify wrapped. Also I had a wish that came true, won't tell what it was though. Nervous Young Inhumans doesn't feel the same without galvanism yk. My mom heard me saying that throughout the day like a robot and honestly I guess dhe does NOT like galvanism. Although yes um Will did change (for the better?) in between the publishing and republishing of twin fantasy. I mean they have other nice songs too, I mean it's only sex is my favourite by them but like it's not quite like this album. I try listening to teens of denial. Oh and um I was reading stuff on Flatsound's blog and honestly I guess something has happened cause he planned on releasing new music and merch last year and hasn't been active anywhere since. Kinda worried. I hope he and Billie didn't breakup. I would listen to hus podcasts but like honestly I stsy true to Stephanie soo.

We have visitors 💔 mom and siblings aren't at home just dad. I do not like middle aged people for no apparent reason, it's just that they're too adult. Aahahahahahahah, also I was supposed to go make dinner for me and dad but can't go out anymore 💔. Middle aged people stay away from our apartment, amen. 

Okay. Storytime. Today is 14th June and I'm like yea two weeks left for Bristol's birthday. NO WRONG! It's my cousin sister's birthday. Bristol knows her though lol. Should I wish now it's 9pm. Also, mom added me to the family GC. Why mom. Why. 

Texted her and tried calling twice but she didn't pick up. I kinda don't like birthdays in general. Like I get it you exist and I exist as well like what's there to celebrate. Istg birthdays are more depressing for people. Not me this though. Even last year I was okay, I did cry but happy cry. I probably wrote that as well. I HAVE TO COOK DINNER CAN THE VISITORS GO ALREADY. Beach life in Death is my new way of time measurement. Are my twin fanatsy texts getting annoying? I am so sorry I am just obsessed. Like I remember a few albums that made me this obsessed. Two that I recall right now are Vessel by twenty one pilots and That's the spirit by Bring me The Horizon and whatever music was out there of lil peep back in 2020 2021 2022 even early 2023 tbh. He's lowkey nice to listen to for early morning walks when I'm sleep deprived, yes white boy go snort that line of cocaine, too bad he's dead though. 

Last edit for today but like genuinely DAD I AM NOT 10 YEARS OR 12 YEARS PLEASE DO NOT GIVE ME A BEDTIME 💔 I KNOW IT'S GOOD TO SLEEP BUT I FOCUS REALLY WELL AT NIGHT AND THAT'S THE TIME I STUDY MOST OF THE DAY. THE SUNLIGHT MAKES ME LETHARGIC 🥺. BYE GOODNIGHT Y'ALL. ALSO TWIN FANTASY IS STUCK IN MY HEAD, WAS HAVING DINNER AND THE FUCKING ALBUM IS PLAYING IN MY HEAD. "DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST DOGS?"  "STOP SMOKING WE LOVE YOU" "YOU GALVANISTIC YOUNG BOY" AND THEN THE ENTIRE FUCKING GALVANISM MONOLOGUE "TWIN BRUISES ON MY SHIN" "THE OCEAN WASHED OVER YOUR GRAVE" LIKE I DON'T EVEN BUY GROCERIES, HOW DO I GET THE ALBUM OFF MY HEAD I WON'T BE ABLE TO SLEEP BECAUSE THIS ALBUM WILL BE PLAYING IN MY HEAD WOW BYE.

This is why I deleted instagram to focus on Twitter because this is actually funny compared to brainrot repetitive schizoposting. Goodnight and it's only 11 fucking 30. 30 mins past bedtime. Yes I am a rebel.