Fourth of July

 I wouldn't really write here until idk october, november, december?

i'm here to write about this yt channel that gives me an ANEURYSM. like my screentime has decreased because of it (and yt random livestreams, like they be doing weird shit). Like stfu dude stfu, don't talk to me in twisted words. 

If i was a boy and if the cutest Will Toledo was my boyfriend i would probably buy him chapsticks and never tell him but yea just make sure his lips were never dry. Was on my daily one hour atleast Will Toledo admiring session (yes it IS getting creepy now, HELP ME) and most of his pictures are him with dry lips, poor boy, i know what you are Will, i do. Anyway, he is literally so cute. Like how. WOW. If i was Will I would title Cute Thing based on myself. Will did not look like the type of guy who'd watch weird porn apart from the other weird things he's into which makes him my friend even more because some people at college who know i am not introverted or like have sudden outburts of positivity and energy (they don't know me, either way) say that i don't look like my face and blah blah and they thought i was studious and very quiet and young???? eh depends how i'm feeling, most of y classmates told me that i am a different person than they imagined me. Just saw my routine for this semester and trying my best not to cry cause wtf is that, college is hard, fuck man, eternally grateful i live in a hostel. Would definetly kill myself if i had to travel 17 kilometers back AND fourth, DAILY and study. fuck man i gotta study this sem ECE ain't shit. Ah. Fuck. 

Anyway, i got my glasses. 

I CANNOT BELIEVE I OWN THESE LIKE THEY'RE MINE. THEY BELONG TO ME AND THEY WILL HELP ME SEE BETTER. I SOUND SCHIZOPHRENIC. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD EVER OWN A PAIR OF GLASSES. OH MY GOD THESE ARE MINE AND THYE BELONG TO ME AND I GET TO KEEP IT AND TAKE CARE OF IT. I CHAVE THIS UNEXPLAINABLE FEELING THAT WAS PROBABLY NOT PROGRAMMED IN ME. DO I EVEN DESERVE TO SEE THIS CLEAR? I MEAN I WAS THE ONE WHO DAMAGED MY EYES SO DON'T I DESERVE TO YK SEE LESS CLEAR. IT FEELS.......UNREAL. I HAVE GLASSES. I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE NOW WHO WEARS GLASSES. I NEVER REALLY MADE YOU KNOW DISTINCTIONS BUT WHEN I WAS A KID, I THOUGHT PEOPLE WHO WORE GLASSESWERE DIFFERENT, LIKE I WAS IN NURSERY SCHOOL AND HALF MY CLASSES WAS WEARING GLASSES. IT ALSMOST FELT LIKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEENMAN AN WOMAN. NOW I AM SOMEONE WHO WEARS GLASSES. IT FEELS VERY SELF SATISFACTORY. I REALLY FEEL DELUSIONAL. OH MY GOD I'M NOT WHO I WAS AS A KID BUT MOST PEOPLE AREN'T EVERYBODY CHANGES, SOME PEOPLE GET GLASSES, LIKE ME! OH MY GOD. I REALLY CANNOT COMPREHEND. I HAVE GLASSES DUDE, I AM NOW ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO'S GONNA GET STEREOTYPED FOR NO GODAMN REASON, I GUESS. I LOVE MY GLASSES SO SO MUCH, I'M GONNA NAME THEM. YES, YOU GUESSED IT, IT'S CALLED WELL (pronounced weel) FRANCIS. YES, IT IS A SHIP NAME I CAME UP WITH WHILE ALSO KEEPING "WILL" IN IT. I WON'T ELABORATE, I.M JUST THAT INSANE. I HAVE GLASSSSESSSSSSSSSS. idk why but i wanna print out posters and banners and hand it to everyone who knows me irl and i want them to refer to me as "[my full name] with the glasses on, ooooooh sweet sexy weel francis" yes i wrotte weel instead of well because i want them to pronounce correct. aahahhahahahah I HAVE GLASSES. I LOVE YOU GLASSES LET'S RUN AWAY TOGETHER AND MARRY AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

i have to write about that later but i didn't wanna wear them because my hair is reallly greasy and i look stupid. Mom wanted to see so i wore them and she and my sister went "aww so niceee" and other nice stuff which isn't really something that i vibe with. My mom's VERY amused with it. Also she's been acting super nice since like idk  days as if it's august 2022.  Anyway compliments -for anything ever since i was a kid- make me feel very out of place. anyway, my brother started making fun of me from the get go. It's not like i like it when people make fun of me either but like obviously he didn't mean to make fun he just thought i looked stupid which i did as well. He was busy doing his project but dude got up clicked a stupid picture of me and made a low effort meme of it and showed it to me. I loved this. Honestly stuff like this makes me really happy when people poke a lil fun at me instead of being all positivity shoving down my throat, everything works tbh. Also dude's been studying yk and he is like actually trying and improving which motivates me as well. I really look very stupid like some people look perfect with their glasses. As if those glasses were made for them. Something on my mind was when Bristol visited me in April of 2022. Really awsome. Also i was hoping to be alone at home since like the past few days because my siblings have extracurriculars and mom takes them and meanwhile dad's at work but they haven't been going out lately so i couldn't ask anyone to bring it as no one really left. Today at like 9 i asked dad if he wanted to go for a walk and he agreed and i'm so glad because i went to school this morning alone to drop off something she left and yea not the nicest thing ever plus i was sleepy. So yea dad accompanied me. I do like the purpose these glasses serve though. I can see better. I feel so much better now. Also my mom is tryna incorporate that i bet bothered by my dad's rules which is not true at all let's just say i want enough sleep to not be irritated and rude. 

Also ik nobody gives two shits about my letterboxd but i recently replaced Water Lilies with Mysterious skin and my defense is that I wanted to have Speak 2004 as well up there for once and Mysterious Skin is a combination of both the topics of these two films except, they have guys instead of girls. I loved the movie so much, I wanna watch it again everyday. Oh my god. Gregg Araki i love you, this was the movie i watched with my friend, before aftersun. I didn't log Aftersun in my account because i didn't get it and i think people at Letterboxd would eat me up because they all like it so much. I know what the movie was gonna be from the get-go but like i swear some scenes actually gave me so much comfort and the fact the representation of my favorite cereal froot loops. Those photographs, the words coach used to tell Neil, the bathroom scene (i had to watch it twice if you remember) and lastly the end scene. I was so happy in the last scene. When they actually talk. Oh, almost forgot the scene where the girl who was Brian's friend when she comes over. Also the relationship Neil had with his two friends and i liked all the styles omg i love this movie so much and honestly i think i watched it at the right time. Oh and um today i was reading research papers about a correlation between two "topics" and they well i was so correct. I like it when i am correct. You can never defeat me at bets btw. I also need to be friends with a guy who identifies as gay according to the statistics. Probably not though. I have more than enough friends, enough being 1. My mom lost one yesterday and owes me a thousand rupees. Gambling was made for people like me. I really wanted to change my wallpaper to the last scene of Mysterious skin yk with them two and the teddy bear but i couldn't find that exact frame plus my laptop is cmbyn theme and i had to clean the pictures using AI and stuff. I really am gonna save/earn money to buy a copy of mysterious skin, the book, idk how much it costs though. Listened to Vessel today and it felt like January of idk 2022? 2023? maybe 2022, yea. Fun stuff. Love wearing these glasses because stuff looks hd 4k 21 pilots music video quality but this shit annoying as fuck too ngl AND I DO NOT LOOK LIKE WILL. My mom really is happy about the effort she put into these glasses and like i appreciate it too, i really need to stop acting ungrateful smh. Wearing glasses is only fun when it isn'tmine. Also like a lot of ytbers make me laugh, the recent one being StinkyAsher. I cannot get over this Stanzi video, it just is extremely funny to me. I forgot what I was gonna write ahhhhh. ALSO FLATSOUND IS ALIVE. Well ik alive is not a good description of someone's state but um yea. Don't ask me how i found out but um yea sometimes i do get scared of my habits. I don't misuse them though. I hope there are people there for him, most importantly Billie. I believe he will be better soon. I really need to excel at cybersecurity istg. Kidding. That's not my degree. His birhtday is on 9th. Kafka's just passed away. I really did have poor vision like I'm playing with my glasses rn and things really do seem blurry without them. I hope wearing glasses fixes my eye so that i don't have to wear them for the rest of my life aahahahhahahahh. I am also plagued by the color pigeon gray like i cannot even describe. Might as well eat it someday #vangoghstyle. Also it's probably wrong but i've been living off the validation from my duolingo streak since the past few years. Gonna go do it, 23:38 already. WON'T be back. I was just being my real self (hater) andcame to hate about that yt channel here. It's 00:04 and i'm scared i probably cannot live without these glasses, like it's been an hour at max since i started wearing them and i took them off to keep in the case and I swear I felt as if i was blind. WHY IS EVERTHING SO HAZY AND BLURRED. I REALLY WAS DUFFERING IN CLASS LOL IG. I FEEL SO FUCKING PRIVELEDGED THAT I CAN SEE STUFF SO CLEARLY LIKE I FEEL VERY UNDESERVING AND UNWORTHY BUT UM YEA I WISH MY REAL EYES COULD SEE LIKE THIS. I CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT IS IS LIKE TO LIVE WITHOUT GLASSES FOR PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY THOSE LIKE MY BROHTER WHO'VE BEEN WEARING IT SINCE CHILDHOOD. I ALWAYS WANTED GLASSES BUT I STOPPED WISHING THAT AROUND HIGHSCHOOL. ALSO I DO LOOK REALLY STUPID AHHH BUT LIKE OH MY GOD I CAN SEE STUFF, I CAN SEE EVERYTHING. OH MY GOD, YOU AREN'T GETTING HOW I'M FEELING RN BLOG. AHH. 

okay, i'm back because i wanna rant some more and i don't wanna study, it's like 0:22. So i saw this post saying twin fantasy captures teenage love. NOW.  I WANNA STATE THAT THIS IS MY OPINION  OKAY WHICH CAN CHANGE AND THIS OPINION IS ABOUT MIRROR TO MIRROR NOT FACE TO FACE. Listening to Face to Face especially the ending songs is literally a self harm methors like i don't even bother like not listening to Face to Face y'all don't wanna cry and throw up all day lol! Face to Face is just well really sad, to me. Although I AM VERY AWARE THAT HIM AND CATE are friends now so ig things aren't as worse??? idk man i'm not a gay furry. Me and Bristol and my friend A are allies for furries though, i believe so. So, here is my worthless opinion. Twin fantasy (MtM) isn't really about love. I mean what he does feel falls under this really broad category of love yea but what he FEELS isn't exactly love. What is feels is well described by him. Galvanism. Falling in love with the idea of a person, i went through it today as well. You never really know people. I keep mentoning this but yea. Also what makes me like this album so much is how unfiltered it is like yea it's just pure desperation and you wanting attention and all that stuff. What sets it apart from me compared to the other album is just the intensity of his emotions. Don't let Bristol find out but um Cute thing and Bodys (she said she liked them a lot, from Face to Face) aren't really something i listen to on repeat. I love both og those songs but unlike the yearning desperation it's him trying and idk being horny like he was in the past albums and shit. The lyrics. I cannot even start oh my god. This album means a lot to me in not the very good ways but yes. It's like when Olivia Rodrigo released sour and all the 11 year old girls found their national anthem. Now i get how those sour fans felt. I really really wanna talk about how i feel about each song in depth but i'm just too lazy to type. The feeling of wanting to be with someone, that too someone you've known only for a year to MISERABLY falling for them to not ending up with them. Mind you despite ALL OF THAT Will was and even is (as proven by the new album) a huge fan of Cate's work. What really just hits me like little nails piercing through my body are the lyrical diffrences, example: " He has only lyrics now" to "these are only lyrics now". Back when Will wrote it he wasn't really a "good" person, more like my defination of pathetic which makes him more real because no one is the yk ideal "good", anyway, his behaviour, and yk desperation and this idealized version of soemone he yearns for was definetly affecting the other person but also Will which made it even worse. It's nice okay but then for how long?? yk like the person you have in your head is not really who thst person really is. And it's not mandatory that maybe you like someone a lot like infinite nut isn't it wrong to believe and want them to like you as much? Like it was his choice to go ahead and yk just put himself on the train track to get fucking killed or shit like Cate is a person of their own who has their own life and own head and own preferences and isnt really obliged to give the same amount back to Will. Also people are mostly polite, and in a way Will put all this "love" on Cate and she'd didn't know what to do with it and it wasn't her fault because how is she supposed gto know and that makes Will crash even harder but then obviously she breaks up and that destroys will like NO FUCKIN WAY could anyone ever write an slbum of this sort without being absolutely crushed. That combined with Will's already existing depression and suicide ideation didn't make it any better. I realy wanna keep talking but i'll stop. This is barely any of my opinion and honestly only will knows what was true so it gives me no right to comment on it but i will because the album is open to the public and i'm free to interpret it how i like. Also i find a lot of "parallels" like similarities in lyrics of csh and top which i believe refer to the same thing but like personally top makes me feel btter and hopeful like yes the sun will will rise and we will try again whereas csh is just fuck you sun and honestly i agree with csh but um yea i need to keep control. Will would go crazy in my twitter circle istg, we could be besties. I was talking to Casper a few days ago and he's obsessed with making friendship bracelets now and i got overexcited about it and all. Twitter definitely is nice but very dry and i like it that way. I also keep texting Car Seat Headrest on reddit. I hope they aren't reading any of my texts and i hope they never reply. ok done bai. Ph and um i also wanted to honourably say fuck you to crumbl cookies and labubus. Fuck you. There mere existence pisses me enough to make me wanna kill myself but never eeally do it yk which is prolly even worse who who gives a fuck, fuck them. While we're at it i want to make absolutely amazing food and be good enough to be a baker and bring joy to people. WHAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICA? (country not the song) anway, gonna go watch clancy music videos that my lovely twenty-one pilots dropped last year in 4k. Those videos were already so clear and with my glasses it BLISS. I literally sit in a praying position when watching their mvs, anyway i hope they make a mv for every song of Breach as well like they did for Clancy, aaaah i love them so much. I'm really not over the contract music vieo. They both look so good. I'm gonna watch the mv until sunrise lol like it's sooooooooooo magnificent. I can't get enough of it. They literally have atleast ten songs about being up at night that's why they da real ones.