Eating dis order

I'm not saying I have a confirmation eating disorder but I do have something which is KILLING me, literally. I either starve or eat myself to death. And I don't eat eat healthy food, I'm a junkorexic. Since the beginning of April I had successfully started myself and I bet I even lost some weight, I could feel it but then since Saturday, when I broke my fast early, I've been eating. A lot. On Saturday it was okay. Not too much. Sunday I went out as I probably mentioned and I ate. Yesterday I ate lunch in my dorm hoping it would perish my hunger. But it didn't so I ordered food online. And I ate. I ate like a pig. I'm sure I still ate less than 2000 cals, not sure about 1200. But I ate. Today I had to starve myself upto 10 days. I even posted about it on an ed space I am on the internet. I was so hungry since morning. I tried to not think about food. I did again order online. At 11. My family does not have enough money to fund me eating food outside and not eating the hostel food they pay for. Teh hostel food is so bland lately it's barely food. I know I'm being a brat but I should rather use my calories on something I'd like. There's so much more. This post might seem like I'm an entitled brat who's posting as someone with a severe condition but believe me I am suffering in someway. I'm sorry.

The thing is, this hunger, is not for food. It's almost as if I want to eat until I physically cannot. I don't eat food to enjoy or give myself energy, I eat to satisfy that hunger. I eat until I actually puke, which is way disgusting. I cannot even sit irl which is why I shit on this blog with these posts. I need to do something about this. I have to. 

I try to sleep all day so as to skip meals. I do stay up all night and there is no way I can eat or drink anything except water and green tea. Maybe breakfast if I'm too hungry. Anyway it's 12:30 pm and I hope to FINALLY starve because all the fucking expensive food I ordered was absolutely Dogshit. 

P.S. the day I stop simping (mostly over men, mostly Takeshi Kaneshiro) is the day I achieve what Buddha achieved ( forgot the term, was it Nirvana? ).