I'm on my period and I want to kill myself, then everyone else.

Slept for like an hour. Didn't cry but I sang songs by flatsound and a few songs from self titled by twenty one pilots. Anyway, in one hour I slept I broke my earphones. They were like 

around ₹80. I will be on the train the whole day tommorow and even the next day. I checked my timings and it was from 5:30 am tommorow till 9:30 am on 21st. I feel like it's such a waste of a day. I could have watched anime too. Fuck fuck fuck. 

Also there's this weird feeling of not belonging anywhere. I'm kinda done with this place. The other day I had to print out the admit card and there were two boys there so I thought I'll wait even though there were computers free and I could have just excused myself. More boys came and I couldn't speak or move. Boys make me want to kill myself except my little brother. I didn't say my father because once I tried to chop my leg off once and have a scar on my leg because of it and he was one of the reasons why. Anyway. So. I don't feel like a sense of belonging anywhere. I'm tired of this place because whenever I go out I'm literally pacing or brisk walking which is attention seeking but I can't help it. In my room it's just meh. What I do like is that I can be more of myself than I can be at home. Going back home seems unwelcomed plus it's the least safe space for me also HE lives there and idk how I'd react on seeing him after feeling rather safe (from him) because I will see him atleast on the road. I feel like my mom's the kind of person who'd ask me to forget about (not even forgive him kinda stuff just forget) it when he gets married or has a kid. Because my mom has done something similar in the past. I was somewhere between nine to eleven years and I had visited my maternal grandparents. I had found out she had a bangle with her and dad's name written on it with crystal stuff. I really liked it. There was a house near our grandparents were a family lived with two daughters and one son. They're all atleast ten years older than me if not fifteen or twenty. Anyway I took it to show it to the daughters who were my sisters. Their bother came and asked to see I declined and said it belongs to my parents so I won't let him touch it because it's theirs. He snatches it from me and in the process broke it. I started crying. The while thing was blamed on me and how I am the one who broke it and I should have given him because he just wanted to see and how u should ask for forgiveness and how I behaved bad when the brother was definitely around twenty or even older. He's not bad he's okay but it's just that my mom chooses society and "family" and "relations" before me and will then bullshit ridicule with me how much she loves me. If she loves me, it's not in a way I understand. 

I'm too scared to go back home. Also my family has been doing well. I told you about my sister yesterday but my brother has also improved academically and they both take karate and swimming lessons and some more stuff. My dad has struggled with poor dental health his whole life and he found a good doctor since I went and his teeth has improve significantly. My mom says dropping off my siblings to so many classes provides her with physical exercise which will help her lose weight. I feel like I'll just go and destroy this perfect family. A sense I don't belong. There's this picture of my siblings with my parents in the balcony where they look so perfect. I was at school back then. I feel like my ugly fat self would just ruin the picture. Also, I don't think I'll be able to eat properly when I go home because I saw my back yesterday which has significantly more fat than my front part. Like when I suck in my stomach you can see three to four ribs but there were lines on my back probably fat. I've gained weight from all that binge eating of the previous month. A few girls in the hostel have been catching on to this because they ask me to eat with them and I say I'll go later but I never do. I had to eat dinner last night and the girl was like you're gonna take more, right? The worst part is when I try to lose weight and people catch on to it but I still don't lose weight because if I did I could probably eat normally at times and show them that I actually eat meanwhile also actively losing weight. My highest weight was 62 kgs . Probably 62.8 but I'll still consider 62. I remember telling myself that I'll kill myself if I get over 60 kg. Then it changed to 55 kg. My new goal weight is 80lbs which is 36.2 kgs. It's probably how much my brother weighs. It'd be funny because my sister and I share clothes because she can fit into my clothes although they are big on her sometimes. Anyway so it'll be my sister and I sharing cloths and my brother and I sharing weight. It's a sibling bond right there. Plus there's this lady in our apartment who had arthritis and she said if I'm not mistaken that her lowest weight was 37 kgs and my gw is lower than that and I'm taller than her too which would make my BMI much lower, 12.9. Almost 13. I don't know my exact height but it's probably 5'6" or 167.7 cms. The thing im most excited and simultaneously scared about about going back home ia checking my weight. It's been almost ten months. 

Reader because you're somewhat of my friend too I want to share the songs I've been listening to lately like Bristol shares with me. 

1. Literally any song by twenty one pilots ever available on Spotify and : 

my favourite being drown. 

2. Flatsound: these are my favourites by him and by that I mean I want to write songs like this. All of them. Especially " They'll like me when I'm sick" because he's 19 when he records that and I'm nineteen too and it's kinda relatable. The part about father hit me so hard when I heard it first. "If your father could see the mess you made he wouldn't like it very much" reminded me of the time I tried to chop my my leg as mentioned earlier. Sometimes I just want to be like coldnessinmyheart. I've seen every picture she posted. That what I did in May ig two or maybe three years ago. But it was May, summer vacation, and that's how I chose to spend it. They weren't triggered to me if I remember correctly and she too had a big slice of her left leg cut. But like it was way deep. Anyway here's flatsound:

3. Teen Suicide: 

I have listened to their other stuff and these are the ones I like the most:

 I'll continue this later. My mom called. She told me to study well because college fees is too high and she checked it a few days ago. Like too high. Like sometimes the price doesn't even make me want to go to college. All I do is oversleep and starve or cry and be an insomniac. I'm sorry mom I'm not the kid you wanted or deserved.

As a kid I really wanted my parents to be proud of me. When I was deep in my sh I remember my parents saying they just wanted me to live and they'd be happy with whatever path I choose but that was not true. For them or for me. Everytime I talk to someone lately I have a huge urge to cut on my arms again. Shaving my arms makes my scars more visible. Maybe that's the reason why people stare or maybe I'm just attention seeking. Sometimes I feel like someone will come across this blog read through all this shit and said I was an attention seeking ehore with a victim complex and that would hurt, personally.

The only reason I live is to be an astronaut and the day I realise I can't be one whatever reason it is will be one one the worst days someone in the entire existence has ever observed and I'd kill myself and I have my ways. Imagine clinging onto a hope to live for several years just for it to fail. How tragic. 

I want to be able to write songs like flatsound and twenty one pilots. 

Twenty one pilots is more subtle but impactful but then flatsound has the truthfulness yet poety and emotion and even anger if I must say. Teen suicide has the emotion and voice that's almost portraying feeling an emotion. Only if my songs were a cry for attention like : omg she cvts herself 🥺 those catscratchs really show her pain, definitely a very severe case, someone call the ward" or " omg you st4rv3d for two whole hours??? Should we invite Bella Hadid?" Saw the last one on Twitter used being often and it makes me laugh sometimes.  Anyway I'll go. Bye.