He actually is in my dreams pretty often sometimes he's just present there, he doesn't do anything nor do I necessarily interct with him either. Sometimes I interact with him but he doesn't do anything bad to me. Maybe he says bad things but doesn't do anything. Lastly it's just a replay of what he did to me over and over again.
I slept at 4pm or 5 pm. I was in a classroom. I've been in this classroom before although this classroom doesn't exist in real life. There are many people but the first one is this girl who live beside my room last year in my dorm. I chat with her. Then I change my place and go to the back of the classroom. There I find two girl who are a year youger than me. They used to travel in my van and were in my school. Was giving them academic advice (lol) anyway somehow I am in my house right after that. It looks very real. For some reason he's here. In this scenario my mom is sitting in her usual place in the sofa. My grandfather is sitting near the tv. My dad is sitting in the place where He usually sits. Meanwhile He is eating something my mom made for him adjacent to my father. Think of it in a way. He and mom are on opposite sides and my dad and grandfather are on opposite sides. I think my mom invited him to eat for something wedding related. I go in to serve him water and he touches me wrongly and I freeze. My mom is looking at him but she doesn't seem to notice. My grandfather is watching the news on the tv and my father is scrolling on his phone. Because he is sitting he can only touch below my abdomen so you know which part (v). But he touches it a way it isn't very noticeable. It's almost like why would any sane person do something so randomly explicit in front of so many people. I think to myself that's it happening again for the third time. Mind you I was think all of this is real. After he finishes my mom goes to drop him to the main gate. It's been a few minutes so I see from the window towards the main gate and my mom is hitting him. There are a few neighbours too bit my mom is hitting him. She says to him that she won't let him so this to me again and that teh last time she didn't give him and accurate response. He's on the floor curled up, just the way I was the last time he did things to me. I feel so happy. I wanted to apologise to my mom and thank her so much. Then I look over to my grandfather who's still watching the news and realise he left on 5th July so there's no way he could be here and then I wake up.
All day today my mom asked me about college. It almost wants me to kill myself. The only interaction I have I have with her is college college college. Nothing more. I cannot eat lately at all. My mom forced me to. She says I cannot let yoy get sick when it'll soon time for you to pay us back. I know it's a joke but it's feels like I'm some sort of investment more than a person. It really is getting hard to ea but I am also losing weight.
I feel horrible. Not only does he terrorise me in my waking hours but also when I'm asleep. I tell myself it's not that worse and my mom won't shut up about getting a college and my dad won't shut up about how disappointed he is in me.
Sometimes, I want to do drugs. Genuinely. I've been joking about drugs since 15 but lately I consider doing it. Not to get high but more so to calm myself down. I beleive I want to do narcotics like morphine. Osamu Dazai used to do it, Pavinol. I wnat to calm myself down. I feel like there's this sort of swelling inside me dying to come out. My chest hurts as usual. My hair won't stop falling. I don't feel well. I don't.
Fun Fact: today during lunch I had a hard time eating it. I ate half of my meal but when I tried to eat more the food was INVOLUNTARY coming back up. Mom told my sister to NEVER be like me. An object of pain to your parents and some other bad stuff about me. Sometimes I hate my mother so much it's not even hate it's more like if you don't like me, kill me mom. Kill me. I won't even mind. It's not like you care about ME anyway.
I was struggling with hairfall since last year and it escalated a lot when I finally returned. I kept complaining to my mom hoping we'd visit a doctor even though I HATE hospitals and what they did to me the last time I went. Guess what? Mom told me to eat my meals and I'll be alright. Yay. My mom needs a medical degree right now. What a great doctor. Also, my cousin was here for alike fifteen days maybe seventeen and my mom fes her so much her weight increased by 3 to 4 kgs. Wow. Worst part is her dad will make her lose that weight. If that was me I'd probably not be okay with it honestly but maybe that's how I think and it was normal.
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