A dream.

I can't get him off my head. I'm gonna start cutting myself again today. This girl touched my scar. Back at home my sibling did too. People ask about it. Even the one on my legs. I can't keep up the funny positive persona anymore.

My ultimate dream is not to become an astronaut. It took my five years- until today to realise that I've given up on it. I gave it up the day my parents told me they'll hear my explanation about the blackhole later on. Nothing to love anymore.

MY ULTIMATE DESIRE, MY DREAM OF A LIFETIME IS FOR HIM TO FUCK ME WHILE I'M IN ABSOLUTE TERRIBLE PAIN. I WANT HIM TO RAPE ME AND HURT ME AS MUCH AS HE CAN. I KNOW HE HAS A LOT OF SEXUAL FRUSTRATION, ESPECIALLY REGARDING ME AND I WANT HIM TO LET IT OUT. ALL OF IT. AND THEN, AFTER THAT I WANT TO IMMEDIATELY DIE. IN THE MOST PAINFUL WAY POSSIBLE. I SHOULD'VE ACHIEVED THIS BY FIFTEEN AND WOULD'VE BEEN GONE FOR GOOD BUT STUPID SHITTY ME TOLD MY MOM ABOUT IT. I GENUINELY WANT HIM TO HURT ME SEXUALLY SO THAT I CAN TAKE ALL THE SHAME AND GUILT AND GRIEF THAT HAS ACCUMULATED OVER THIS YEARS AND LET IT HURT ME IN THE FINAL BLOW OF DEATH. MAYBE I'LL CUT MYSELF TERRIBLY AND THEN SET MYSELF ON FIRE LIKE MY MOM'S BESTFRIEND WHO KILLED HERSELF. I HOPE HE WATCHES ALL OF IT. I'M NOT ANY BETTER. I'M WORSE. I'M A WHORE.