The worst day was the time my doctor told my mom and dad what Aunt Helen did to me.

I really had a lot to write. I controlled myself because I had exams going on and I did not have the energy to study. All I did was look at pictures of him and his wife. I was stalking him I had nightmares where he was there so I didn't sleep for days again. 

I told Bristol about this blog. I really am very desperate. She said she won't come here or so. 

Even right now as I'm recalling stuff my chest is beating so fast I can barely breathe. 

I wanna start with my parents. They trigger me. A lot. They aren't aware maybe but I tell them sometimes that I'm not comfortable with certain things and they won't listen. I wanna say a lot on this as well but I'll hold back again. Remember I made a list of 5 people who I love and live for? Yes honestly no. Lately I've been hating everyone. It's because they all said or did something maybe even multiple times to puss me off. I don't like anyone. I feel like this is April of 2020 again. Isolated. I'm starting to cry again lol. 

I'm back. 

Lately I've been talking to Bristol and Melbourne more compared to the last few months. I'll stop. Melbourne is sick again, so ig won't talk to her. Bristol idk she's busy with her college. 

I really get fucking pissed by everyone. It's almost like talking to the void. I've decided that I love no one and will give cold responses to everyone I told myself I liked. Hate is a strong word.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to meet this friend who ik from fourth grade or so. It was ni e with her because we were both very competitive. I changed a lot in sixth grade. Degraded. In my final year of highschool we were friends again because we had the same biology tution.  She was nice but also very backhanded bullying type.i said yes to meeting her but leaving the house is the last thing I'll be doing. I need a lie that lasts me this month because I meeting no one no more. I done. I'm just taking a cab and going straight to college a few days before it opens. I'm so scared to even open the windows. A few mins ago I heard someone banging on the door. I can't. My heart is still beating fast. 

So, coming to the main thing. I'm back to who I was. Not as worse obviously but quite close. I've got back to almost all my bad habits just not super severe with them at the moment. 

I was looking at his pictures the entire time you know. On his wife's instagram. I deleted instagram before returning home because a few mins before. I met Bristol, prolly on 7th. I was really excited to meet her. I was smiling the entire way until I crossed this hospital and then the school and I felt well really weird. And awkward. I wanted to go back to lunch break in school. Not a particular one but simultaneously experience all 14 years. Or something like that. I just had this nostalgia that disgusted me. I went to meet Bristol and I was feeling off. Even while returning I crossed the school again and got this very strange feeling. It's almost like a pre feeling. 

Today. I woke up pissed. Dad yelling at me like always that I promised to wake up at 4 but can't be up at 8. I hate being told what to do. Absolutely hate it. I also hate being blamed for things I didn't do. There's really always a lot of yelling at my house. I think everyone here is tired of everyone. I'm back on Twitter so you know what that means. Argued with both my parents like I used to and then argued because they wouldn't let me shut my room's door while studying even though they are well aware of how much I hate my room and this house and most importantly that chair and desk. I'm so scared. 

Around lunch, went to buy eggs and stuff. With my sister because I hate going out alone. For the very same reasons. I went to s nearby shop. Mom did tell me that He worked near the shop at some plywood shit. Like the plywood shit thing is beside the shop I went to. He was there. He was there. HE WAS THERE. I froze again. It's always so hard to even be conscious when he's around. My sister noticed the change in my behaviour. He very obviously saw me and I tried my best to ignore him. I'm so scared. I'll hurt myself terrible like I had in the past of I have to see him once more. I cannot take this anymore. 

Oh and almost forgot to mention how my mom compares me and my sister in weird aspects. 

1.  Nowadays your sister is thinner than you (to me)

2. (To me again) She us an internet kid she knows what a good and bad touch is, there wasn't much internet around your time.

Well you were???????????????? I am not activity suicidal anymore because ik it all but I really do wanna bury myself far from here at the moment. 

This was the tip of the iceberg of the things that heavily affected me since my last post. I want to be AWAY. 

I am so scared of Him. 

Anyway love you Mitch Welling for helping me function daily <3