mother's day

I went home. At around 9 pm my dad called my mom saying he needed help with carrying the stuff. Mom convinced me to go. I knew what was waiting. My brother said he'd tag along and generally I saw no but today I agreed. I took the path that HE does not take. Yet, near this Shiv Temple I saw him come by in a Green something tshirt. The day before I was stalking his wife's insta. I pretended to talk to my brother and not notice him. He kept looking at me the entire time. I was so scared. Sometimes I think that I'm not over him. As a matter of fact he's growing more on me. Often I'll watch porn and the only person that comes to mind is him. Sometimes I watch weird porn, and even then he comes to my mind. He was always there. I will never have a good relationship with boys. I told this guy about what happened to me. Everything. Even my sh ed stuff. All he did was compare how he had a hard time too. He had a hard time because he just felt sad. That's it. I'm not saying it's invalid. But always comparing to your stuff, also he would assume things and say he was overthinking and he can't control it. Then he'd complain I don't kiss him or hold his hand when I told him I am scared of physical intimacy. We broke up because I lied to him that my mom found out and blah blah. He was also so against me dyeing my hair and he was homophobic. We had zero common interests and I told him several times that I don't want to get in a relationship but he kept pushing the boundaries until I agreed. I tried to breakup by the end of March but he simply wouldn't listen so I had to lie on April. On 8th February we met in real life and I told him about my past. His reaction was just it shouldn't have happened blah blah something. Then there was chips. And I felt obligated to do something. And then he did it too and me being me I kept going. Now I know the wrong was from my side but I really did not know what to do at the moment. I probably wrote about it previously. I'll elaborate sometime if I didn't already. I hate boys. 

Today, I went to Sippy's (college friend) room and her roommate (organ) whose also my friend was there. Me and sippy were studying and I went to take Sippy's guide. Later I was in their balcony because a nice wind was blowing. Now organ comes out of her room and initially get's startled. I say the weather is quite romantic because all the lights were off the cold breeze was blowing. Organ starts coming near me and I start laughing, telling her to stop. She then comes closer and holds both my wrists against the balcony grill. Then she slides her leg in between my legs which feels weird and I tell her to stop but she keeps taking it as a joke. Then finally sippy calls me and yells at me so I literally push organ and go fetch Sippy's stuff and go. 

Also, the guy says he still loves me and shii but honestly I want him to be as far as he can be. I hate everyone. I HATE men.