I love this album. 242 people died today but I can't help but not care I lack empathy. Didn't shower today and haven't brushed in some time again. I'm scared my teeth will all fall off. I'm closer to the weight I was in 2021. 0.1 kg more and I'm losing it again. My teeth's really ruined by not brushing and purging and coffee and sugar and what not. I know I keep saying this but I can't help it. My bowels aren't really doing good either. I'm so scared of him. I just want to cry in someone's arms. Not my mom though. Not my dad either. Not a stranger either. I don't know. I also don't want to be alone. I can't help but dit at this desk all day in this room and get fucking flashbacks. It's been five years. That's s long time. I haven't changed, at all. Even if I did I'm somewhat back to who I was. Cutting people off because that's probably the only thing I'm good at. I do wish I wasn't like this. I love all my friends, some a bit more. I was thinking that whenever Will mentions smoking in twin fantasy does Bristol think of Melbourne. Smoking reminds me how I was again thinking about my mom's best friend or do who burned herself alive. I wrote about it here once. I want to cry. I want to stay up all night. I don't want to eat. I asked Bristol her favourites from this album and I can agree they're all very nice. I love this album. Lowkey want to cry to it. It's perfect for crying. Can't do that rn though. My teeth hurts. I was supposed to go visit the dentist snd change my Invisalign set. Scared. Again. The last set didn't fit well so I wanted to tell him that but my mom's gotta drag me to the clinic. Unless... I can't walk. Like old days. Can't leave the bed. My left leg. It's much smaller now. I don't like that. Maybe if my thighs get thinner it'll be bigger again. Mom was telling me again if there's any sort of cream that would fade these, in regard to my arm. They'll all get white eventually. Sad. I really wanted to visit my friends this June. I was really looking forward to it. I wanted to meet them. I hate Him. I can't get him off my head. I keep watching ypu know what the other bad addiction and it's almost always something violent and I'm thinking of him. Even today. Nothing in my body functiond properly. I didn't make Bristol's birthday gift. I was so excited. I planned it out for more than s year. He really ruins everything. I need to stop blaming him for everything but genuinely though I can't function. Even my mom told me s few hours ago how I've started locking myself again. Since yesterday. She told me she thought I was angry with her. I love you Will. Will remind me of Judge's partner from a little life. I get why Bristol likes this album. Delicacy. Mom's yelling again. I don't like when people raise their voices. Bristol doesn't like that either if I remember. I have terrible memory but I try to remember little things. I feel sorry for everyone I love, life really is miserable for everyone. I don't really have a lot of people to think about. I really wanted to make presents for Bristol's birthday. I'll be all by myself though until college opens. Will turn ok my phone on 27th to wish her a birthday. June 27th is a nice day to be born, because probably she was born on that day. I love both versions of twin fantasy. I want to listen to the new song by twenty one pilots but I love this album so much. Will ily. It's okay to be a gay furry. God I love this album I would come to this if I already didn't like two times today thanks to those fuckass videos. Whenever I watch it I really think of the lyrics of male fantasy by Billie Eilish. She's so real. Oh and mom indirectly called my sister bisexual. She's like we'll change her school so that she can make a boyfriend......and a girlfriend. Ally????? No lol mom menat in a platonic way. Remeber when I told you about the time mom was telling about what my neighbour said about his daughter havin6a boyfriend. She joked about it. Does she think I'm gay? I really don't like the term lesbian and I've told you why in detail in thr past. I'm okay with being called gay that is my defination of gay. Sober to death is such a good song I love this. I'm smoking this album lol. I should help my mom with the househild chores. In 20 years old afterall. Hell I'm 20 years old. Don't wanna be 20 years old. Don't wanna be. Don't wanna be stuck either. I want to meet my friends. I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. I try not to but yea. I don't like being alone. I want to be hugged. I want to cry. I also want to scream and yell. I also want him to say sorry. Does his wife know what he did to me? I think by this point she's already pregnant. He'll soon be a father. Did he ever love me or was I always a sexualised object to him ever since. I'm not human, will is right. I'm an object. I don't have any memories before 2011, I told you about that as well. I tell you a lot. My first memory is of my first lie. Did he always do bad things to me? Even before I was six? Why did the other men harm me though. Men are evil and I hate them. All they want to do is fuck you. I swear. I hate men. Women aren't too good either but yea, little les worse. Everyone is terrible and I live no one. Is it the chorus yet? I wanted to be hugged. I don't like any form of physical intimacy or even a slight touch. Don't touch me. I want to run away. I want a therapist to heal me. I want him to apologise. He never apologised. I want go tell everyone what he did to me. I also want him to kill me or fuck me till Im actually dead. I'm so scared of him. I'm incapable of loving and being loved. I need to change. I keep saying that. I can't stop writing so I'll go. I want go talk more though. Twin Fantasy is an amazing album, bye goodnight.
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