The other night I cried while thinking of having sex with you

I love this song so much because of how fucking true it is. Except the sex part although everything else works. Four posts in almost a day yay mental health. I am fucking crying not thinking of Him but them. Don't confuse it with the them tag though, they're people who molested me other than Him. This person well I love them. It's almost funny how I'm crying for them and not him. Like the text message did really affect me afterall. Like this person and Him are the obes on my mind mostly Him. I honestly hate myself and like at the moment I hate them but then I obviously can't ever hate them it's just my repressed feelings and anger and jealousy and that fuck ass Dog album. Why can't we be together. I'm literally so fucking gay I went to our chats and was bookmarking every time they told me that they loved me and then I like started crying even more and I sleep with my family because haha haha I am paranoid and hear noises when I'm alone and I go the bathroom and my whole face is twitching and I can't stop. I keep telling I'm gay not just because of my internalised homophobia and hate towards the term lesbian but also because I don't like women that way, except this one. Honestly everyone loves them so it's bit my fault except I get more competitive and jealous but I can't help myself. There were rumours of me liking two girls in school but I swear one was a rumor and I just wanted to be friends with her because she used to sit slone and we do talk once in a while now or mabe I liked her because she had short hair and glasses. Mind you most if my friends had short hair and glasses at some point and I didn't like them that way. I can't stop fucking crying and I hate when I cry about it because I can't stop the thoughts and the same and the fear of rejection or even acceptance and things not working out or me running away or just ruining things overall, just fucking scared. Also the fact like it's hard to explain ypu know like I like them in a very pure way and like sex would ruin that purity kinda like when dazai's main character in no longer human married a 17 year old but does not have sex with her. Although I do want to fuck men. But like in a revenge sort if way, like I want to use them for their body how they use us or how He used me although He never really had sex with me, hopefully. I am trying to be a bit more careful in this post because I'm aahamed. Honestly though the people around me especially at college probably do think I am in love with them because I mention them so much and like blah blah. Please don't make assumptions on who they are. I'll tell you, it's your mom. I want to sleep with her but only in the literal sense. I cannot stop crying and twitching at the moment but I think it's so funny that I'm not crying about Him but them. I hope my mom doesn't wake up cause like imagine she asks why I'm crying and I'm like cause I'm fucking gay mom go back to sleep. Bit like really I really do love them and I love them so much, oh this reminds me of that most of the time they texted me 'i love you ' I replied back ' I love you so much ' which is again me being desperate lol. Honestly when other friends text the same I'm like 'love you too' or just 'love you' because someone does bit me bit like I don't mean it, in the literal sense. I only love five people and they're one of them. I can't stop my thoughts. It started with me imagining together, in a house. Ypu know I won't elaborate but once they gave an idea of living with me in the upcoming months and I kid you not I was so happy it healed me istg. There's also this fear what if I harm them what if I can't control my bad habits or get rid of them. I would never eabt to lose them and yes I'm crying even more. I was thinking you know what if they were a boy and then I was like what if I were a boy. Spiralling now not because I came across the guy who sexually assaulted me for years but because a text message my friend sent. My friend yes that's what we are. I'm so devious that I tell others that they are my bestfriend. They also are probably aware of how fucking much I love them, I love them so much why can't we be together. Honestly it wasn't even that text message but the followup message and then me acting out on their words and they not acting back on it made me spiral even more because what if those words weren't for me. This was probably my yearly hare cycle breakdown for them but yea rhsvks for coming because I love them so much it's hard to hate.

Oh and um this song actually reminds me of two people. The negative aspects mostly the starting about Him. The other, well you know by now.  

Almost forgot to mention the core issue how I'm jealous of a man. Like wow I've always veen been jealous of men but never reasons like this until now. But you know what this is wzong because they like him so I'll go with it because I like them. I'll go back to bookmarking the i love you's and then I'll print it out and stick it in a notebook well well that notebook I got from anyway this post was me acting desperate for the god knows how many universes were created and destroyed timeth.

Found a text while bookmarking where they wrote Be in love with yourself well why can't you been hahahaha. Am I starting to act like the guy I dated? Oh and about that, the entire time I was loyal to loving them in both those fuck as relationships. I did not like those guys at all and was in the relationship because I can't say so thabks to Him because he never listened when I said no. I sound so toxic with this entire post omg prolly because I am give me therapy y'all.

In another text message they write that their father will love me, regarding something. In another text message they say "I don't believe people should stay with people who self harm" which is probably one of the reasons why I'm cutting them off this month because I will be self harming looking at the way things are going. 

This post was written for Tyler Joseph the lead singer of Twenty One Pilots because he looks so fucking majestic in the new music video. I know he has a wife and three kids but I side chick never really hurt yk.