Monterey

They should study me the way i was crying and nauseous and lowkey throwing up last night and then slept two hours or so to get woken up by my dad yelling at me how I'll never achieve anything and then my mom goes on to say how they spent so much money on me (true) for me to probably get a bare minimum job where I won't earn enough even till I'm sixty. It did motivate me to shower though, still didn't brush my teeth. If I commit suicide it's purely because of my dental health god my teeth hurts. Told my mom to take my next set of Invisalign from the doctor and she's like come along. I mean he will probably fond out I bulimic of he didn't already. Also can't throw up food when going out with friends because my dental health isn't capable anymore and eating out is expensive. I still stay whimsical though. Bristol really does change between whatsapp and Google messages. Also she suspects I'm lying which I am but like it's okay. Yesterday I told probably that I'll be cutting everyone off for a while which includes them and everyone, even Bristol, even though she was the only one o talked to two years ago apart from my mom. Would cut off my family too but I live with them. Actually glad because I won't be eating or showering and definitely not brushing if on my own. My roommate knows I skip meals, my friends there know if as well but they don't care enough and I like it that way. My roommate does threaten to compain to my mom though which is why I don't give one her number like sybau. Back to drinking green tea. I like mangoes because He hates them. I hate the color yellow because He likes it, my sister does too. Twin Fantasy is exactly the album I need to be gay and depressed and even suicidal in college. Oh and about my eyes, I cried so much they've been burning since last night and still now. Taking a shower and washing my eyes felt like washing those fresh baby cuts. I also have a very round or oval face lile what the fuck, also acne's back because I'll be getting my period. Fuck you periods. We having fish for lunch i like it now. 

So I'm writing again because I didn't wanna make a new post. I think I'm back to being suicidal. I wanna smoke cigarettes. There's this comfort in self destruction. Lunch was splendid. I wanna eat ice apples and this sweet called moti pak. I forgot what else I had to write. I think crying over someone of the sane sex in pride month makes it straight because queer month and queer person so both cancels out. I'm the straightest person I know. God yesss boyss mmmmmmm delicious. Fucking Bitches they are. There's also comfort in abandoning people and them hating you for it. I will be ruining my life again. I will destroy all my relationships with everyone I ever liked so that when I die there isn't a single ounce of remorse from anyone. I want to die by this year. I don't want to see 2026. I used to pray to god to give me cancer so that I can die. I'm not sure of I wrote is previously but honestly I'm not sure how I wanna kill myself. I know like atleast 100 ways I could kill myself thanks to those forums. I know painless ways as well but nothing is completely painless. Also the fact that most painless ways have a low success rate. What made me stop being suicidal was the fear of ending up being a vegetable. I'm still more scared of surviving rather than dying. The other half of me wants to die. Painfully. With Him watching. I hope he enjoys it. I'm did cut myself before coming back home, they were scratches honestly because it's really easy to accidentally hurt yourself more than you intended to when it comes to things. There's this comfort in cutting my arms. I want to cut my arms. I was just thinking of changing things about my body, oh yes the round face, actually I can't remember that train of thought. I'll take a nap probably. I don't know how any of this will end. 

I'm back again. I wish we'd talk more, not us but me and Bristol. Rn I'm in my room crying to twin fantasy because I'm not over last night. I wish Bristol would come over someday. We'd lie in my bed and listen to twin fantasy. I would clean my bed and won't cry. We should totally do that you know. I want to meet my other friends. I won't leave this house. I'm scared of being out alone yet I go alone everytime to meet them. I am yearning. We should talk more but I start acting desperate. About them, I fear they don't like me as much anymore. Maybe because I've grown annoying. I'll cut to that. I can't do hardcore drugs because I'm not american but I can get an alcohol addiction. I will never stop feeling old. 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. I need a job. I feel hollow. My teeth hurts. I don't want go abandon people. I'm so scared. Why don't we live together. I want to have s binge session. I won't leave this house until it's time to get back to college. I love you so much. When I come back you'll still be here, yes correct. I hope so. I want to live my life again. I want therapy. My head hurts I don't want to think. I don't want to yearn. I want to binge and not purge. I am getting closer to my starting weight. Mom called me skinny today because yesterday I told her my weight bothered me. My boy is such a banger I want to make an album. Me and Bristol had plans of making videos, we never did. So many other plans too. How do I fill this gaping hollowness I feel. My eyes are still burning. I'll stop listening to twin fantasy. Yes. 

WHY CAN'T WE LIVE TOGETHER I MISS THEM ALREADY. Twin fantasy and Calculus in my confinement. I want to be there for Bristol's birthday. I want her to have the best birthday ever. Every year. Bye, back to crying.