i wanted to hold your hand.

I wanted to meet Bristol for a long time. We planned on Saturday before I go home. I dreses up in my best attire, wore a new bracelet, kept my hair open ( I don't like it open because well it's accessible, as in someone could grab me by my hair like he did) wore lip glass and white sneakers and baggy jeans on a rainy day to only not meet her. I even bought brownies for us. I was definitely upset. Today, I was supposed to go back to my dorm but I wanted to meet Bristol. We had a program that I wanted to see, a meeting at 7pm in the contest I'm participating but it didn't matter. 

I wore the same outfit. I did have a better lip gloss combo today (cherry lip stain from the face shop+ Maybelline lifter gloss in the shade pearl) I kept my hair open but mom said I'm not going to marry hair ( as in apply Sindoor with my blank head) so she gave me a hairband. I wanted to wear converse but they were old. I didn't take anything for her except a ten ruppee pack of chip that reminded me of my favourite childhood chips and a clay mushroom  that my brother ruined. Later I bought two Snickers ( one for her mom)

Meanwhile, miss ma'am Bristol:

AND TWO POEMS ON TOP OF THAT. ONE IN HINDI AND ONE IN ENGLISH. She knows I like Snickers, I literally like her so much. Also the geometric thing is my favourite, I'll add it to my blog. I wish I could make it rotate in my blog but idk how to do that://. Also the cube has stuff I like. She's so sweet. 

We ate baby corn and almond brownie. This was my second time eating babycorn. The first time I ate it was at my tuition teacher's palce as a kid. Also the place where we ate was near the place where I first saw Bristol outside of school. It was in sixth grade. She was wearing a dark pink top with holes ig on the top part and jeans. She came on a bike with her dad to buy craft supplies. She hated me back then I'm sure. I was wearing a brown white skirt, the same skirt that I wore in ninth grade while tying him my last rakhi. I really love giving flowers to Bristol. Also Bristol was super pretty today, she's always pretty, her outfits never miss. 

Even though we got separate plates we shared from the tray, I definitely ate more than her. Also she put a piece in my plate as I wasn't eating so I did the same until we finished eating. We talked about stuff. It felt so nice. I swear in that moment time didn't seem to pass. It was unreal. I mean it. I paid the bill because I was guilty I didn't buy anything for her. She asked if I wanted to get ice creams and I said yes sowe went to a nearby shop but it didn't have many flavours so I legit ran away. We went to a pasty shop to buy ice creams but then Bristol easily gets sick plus it was raining so I thought it was best to stick to brownie. The lady who took the brownies out asked if we wanted to eat on spot or pack it and I mostly pack it so I said that. Idk where we'd eat in the rain. 

Because I'm so used to walking everywhere I just assumed that Bristol will walk back home and that wouldn't be safe. Honestly being in a vehicle isn't safe either cause what if they take you to a different place, ik lowkey paranoid but I care about her safety, also one of the reasons I choose to walk. So anyway we went to this field near our school which is on the way to Bristol's house. We wanted yo enter but it was lowkey filled with mud and we didn't want to ruin our shoes so we ate outside. The weather was so nice. Idk precisely remember what we talked about but I liked it. She clicked a few pictures of me (I'm giving borderline obese in them 😭) when I tried to click her picture she kept running away and I wanted to but then I just stopped. It's actually scary that I don't remember most of the stuff we talked about cause what if I said something insane. At one point I asked her what was her highest step as a joke but then I realised I'm not in an edtwt group meet-up and it's probably not a very normal question to ask. I told her I wanted to buy something for my siblings from a very specific shop near her house just so I could drop her but I ended up buying Snickers. She wanted me to take a toto nack home but these calories aren't gonna burn themselves so I told her I'm meeting my mom near school and literally ran away. I didn't look back. I wanted to stand and see athat se actually reached home but then she kept inviting me and that would be weird so I hoped for the best and almost ran. I then met my mom near our house and went to a parlor to make my eyebrows because I'm participating in that competition. I lowkey look scary so I'm glad I didn't meet her like this. Then me and my mom went to buy a few accessories. My mom's nice. I know this post is mostly about how I care so much but in all honesty Bristol was the one who cares the most. While walking she kept pulling me to the safer side because I somehow kept going in the middle of the road. Also, to clarify the title, I generally hold people's hand while crossing the road but I didn't do that with Bristol because I thought it would be weird. Also, Bristol paid for the brownies, even though I was the one who asked for them. Also Bristol kept saying "whatever you want" to any question liek where she wabts to go, or what she wants to eat. I was pretty upset cause I mske horrible decisions and Bristol had to bear up with it. Idk. Am I the most horrible friend? I'm so sorry. I have nothing important to say. I really don't remember what we talked about, like most of it. Also Melbourne and S are probably breking their friendship. I hope they forgive each other soon. Bristol told Melbourne that we went out and sent her my pictures, I asked Melbourne to send them to me and I'm literally giving WHALE, the blue color tshirt isn't helping either. 

My arms in this one are so fat it's super ewww like literally purgespo.

The combination on my fridge like body and oversized arms and ugliest face on earth aren't giving anything at all. Like look at my waist bro I'm so HORRIBLY fat. 

Let's not even start on this one like my god my waist is just like a balloon. Why am I so fat. I was planning to start a 400 hour fast inspired by two people on twitter and this is my motivation for it. Like the only fatspo that exists is me. Fattest bitch ever in an ugly way. Also I don't have anything against fat people or people who are at a higher weight or are overweight. They're all super pretty. The only body I judge is mine. Being fat is not a flaw, I just used to weigh more when I was assaulted so the lesser I weigh the safer I am.

I'm sorry if this post comes out as narcissistic. That was not my intention. I really like Bristol and I appreciate her existence. I'm glad I was born because I got to meet her. I really appreciate her and I hope she has an amazing life. She once asked me while we were eating brownies who my closest friend in college was and my stupid brain said "you" and she was probably taken aback. So I tried to come up with some explanation. I wish I could be a better and deserving friend. I'm sorry, Bristol.

this user is a WHORE (metaphorically)

Today I had so much male interaction it's crazy probably the peak of my entire four years. I'll come to my day later though.

I mostly prefer girls in any setting rather than boys beacuse that is the environment I grew up in. Here though it triggers the fuck out of me. A few minutes ago I was drying my clothes ans this flatmate(let's caller her pp, her initals) shows out of nowhere and tries to pick me up fom behind her hands wrapping below my chest. I told her to let go but she persisted. She's shorter and thinner than me so no way she could have picked me up up still it's so weird. No way a boy would do that to me and get away with it so why does she get away with it. I don't like being touched AT ALL. But here, especially in the hostel it's so hard to avoid. Holding hands, hand's around my neck, simply placing your hand on any part of my body, touching my face, hair, etc. No. Don't do that. Please. The things with touching my neck is that it triggers the absolute fuck out of me. Idk if this is normal but it's been maybe ten minutes since she last touched me and I can still feel the sensations below me and the area is lowkey numb. I absolutely HATE being touched. Even my siblings don't hug me what gives you more right over them? Plus I've barely known these people and they pull up with this shit. I was on a call with my mom and this girl came and touched my face and I just smiled at the girl. Mom was shocked, and I told her I pretend which she obviously understood. I do tell these people to not toch me but they just don't listen. Also my roomate will sometimes use terms like "babey" or "darling" or similar terms and that too feels weird because even though I have two friends who are the same age as her and won't feel this uncomfortable because in their case they were my classmates but here she is a senior, there's a hierarchy and she's older than me in that respect. I just wish people would realise that if someone of the opposite sex reacted the same way they do to them would they be comfortable. People need to understand personal boundaries. 

About my day, shitty. Didn't go for basketball practice. Sat in the first bench and my opps friend sat next to me. She was pretty ok tbh but ik she's not always like that and was pretending but whatever. Classes were fine. Calculus was horrible as usual. Gave my name for a fasion show last night (for non academic points) and met this girl and omg was she gorgeous I felt self aware, I was the ugliest rat in the world. I'm sure she judged me hard.i though she'd ghost me after seeing me but didn't, till now. Also met with two more boys and sighed myself for a coding competition in a different college on 4th October (class day, Friday) the interaction was okay. Now in class, this boy,

Ig he has a crush on me/ wants something from me/is being a normal human trying to interact/etc.

On my first practical class he asks me my name and my interests. We walk to the elevator but then I ghost him mid conversation. Two later he sits behind me and I ignore him. He starts sitting in my spot so then I start sitting behind him. He is in the same public speaking class taht i took. He knows I play basketball and toom archery that happens right next to where I play basketball. One class I couldn't copy from the board so he gives me his notebook. In the public speaking class i get a call from my professor as there was a mass munk and he tells me what to say to the professor. He then insists I need to get a "trest6" cause I saved all my classmate. I shrug it off. Next day which was today he again comes to me and mentions about giving me a "treat" so I tell him to help me understand multivariable calculus. He agrees. During the break he asks if he could sit next to me and I said okay. He aslo came to practice archery but left a few mins after I saw him. Idk if he has a crush on me cause that would be insane there are way better girls than me in every way possible. I think he's just being a normal friend/wants me to vote him for class representative/ wants something from me, probably academic help. Either way, if he does have a crush it's gonna get crushed soon cause I'm a horrible person and he'll realise that and leave me for good.

Now, after class I go to the canteen to buy stuff for my family as I'm going back home and I come across this classmate who is with other three of our classmates but i don't know when. Anyway he buys an extra fruit juice and gives it to me. I don't accept it initially but then I take it.

Now walking back to my hostel I see him and hsi friends on the way, I wave at them but he calls me there. I go and and he asked me if I want to go out with them to a park (I've went there several times). I let him know I'm going back home and that I've been to the park several times and I wish them a great time and walk away. It's was weird to me cause like you want me to come along with you to a park with your three friends who I don't even know like it's insane. 

Meanwhile Bristol:

I desperately want to know what it means. "I ate through you" it's not a lyric for sure. Sometimes I feel so horrible because Bristol deserves people better than me.