Do mi ti, why not me?

This is a transcript from an audio message sent from Bristol to me: 

Why so I get so jealous like whattttt. This is the same girl who made her that cup. Like um wgat what. I mean look if Bristol like Melbourne more it's completely fien because Melbourne is a really sweet person and she deserves the nicest thing but like why this cup girl ummmmmmm. 

Also why does Melbourne only texts me in times of crisis like I SWEAR. The most famous one being in 2020. He was assaulting me while I was texting Melbourne pretending he was not doing the things he was doing. He even tried to snatch my phone which only madd things worse. Aa per for today. I was c/s my lunch and she texts me in the middle of that. Also whenever I c/s I only think of Xihan. She hasn't been active in a while. I hope she's okay. Ngl c/s is actually better than purging. It's like a cheat code. 

I got electronics and communication in an okay college it's obviously not what I wanted. To be an astronaut I need a master's degree in a stem field so ig I'm fine for now. Mom is planning to make me do an mba but obviously that won't make me asn astronaut. It feels super silly to think I can STILL become an astronaut but like it is the only reason I'm alive. Like genuinely. Only reason. 

Mom is planning to put me in an on-campus hostel which is nice that I won't have to stay at home but like if I happen to do a par-time job at a fast-food place I'd have to spend more time and go there after college off campus. I really want to earn money while I'm in college. Maybe make a yt channel but idk what content to put out. Maybe livestream on twitch. Really clueless.

Also I need an American citizenship to become an astronaut for nasa. I obviously won't marry someone for citizenship but ig it's hard to get. I saw somewhere it takes six months but that's if I'm getting it. Also, the hardest part is how am I gonna get the flying experience. Should I become a pilot? Idk the qualification? Should I serve in my country's airforce? I missed the exam FOUR TIMES but it's okay ig. 

Also eating after fasting for hours feels like heaven. I basically barely ate today and I was so hungry but then my mom gave me milk tea and it was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. 

I was thinking about Anne Frank today and she was like fourteen. When I read her book I was younger than her but now I feel like she was so young and she did not deserve to die. Nobody deserved to die in the holocaust. Six million people killed in the name of religion. I hate world wars and I hate dictators. I hear about North Korea sometimes and I feel so sad. There's war everywhere. I really hope world war three does not happen because innocent civilians are the ones at loss. Also I hate when villians are painted as war heros like um actually they deserve to rot in jail.

Also olympics is happening and I wanna be a participant so bad. I really wanna do artistic swimming. It just baffles my mind. Like wow how does someone even do THAT? LIKE OMG YOU GO GIRL. Also I really want that olympics theme samsung phone😔. Also I heard the medals have a piece of Eiffel tower in them like so cool. The sad part is they have a convicted rapist participating too. He raped a 12 year old girl. That is so horrible. 

I feel like people who hate on certain groups be it races or like the LGBTQ community should actually use that hate for real reasons like rapista and pedophiles. They come is all shapes and forms. Too bad people are fucking stupid.

Having an okay, even nice time lately.

I have a lot to say but I'll probably just say about today. I met S and A yesterday. Today I met S,A, Melbourne and Bristol. I had to waer full sleeves because Melbourne was gonna be there. I found this old weirs shirt. I was constantly sweating. 

I finally gave Bristol her birthday gift. I made a reversible crochet octopus, a crochet star a painting of her mom and grandma and a Rubik's cube. Even though it took me a lot of time effort money and learning new skills I believe they were shit. I wanted to give her this beanie and a crochet duck but I lack the skillset and money to buy more yarn. 

One of my friends said I was the straightest person she knows. Melbourne bought a tic tac toe set for me. So sweet of her. I love all my friends.

I went to Bristol's house before meeting up with the others because it's very close by. I told her not to look but she did. When she came back she search the distance between her college and the one I might get. She said we could live in a hostel. I was horrified. As much as I'd think it'd be fun Bristol would absolutely hate me. Plus it's the posh area between outlr colleges. 

When she returned she thanked me a lot but obviously I gave her absolute dogshit but then I only learned crocheting to make something nice for her. I really wanted to ask her is my gift better than the cup she got but obviously that would be a horrible thing to say. I shouldn't be jealous.  It's been a month since her birthday.

If I'm alive, I'm alive hoping that somehow someday I'll become an astronaut. 

22nd July/ it's a cycle.

Sometimes I really wanna believe in fate but what is fate if I kill myself? Is that fate too? 

It almost feels disgusting to be nineteen. What have I achieved? 

Will it be wrong if I kill him? I know it's wrong to kill people and I would never kill him if he hadn't done all those things to me. It's almost like I'm repaying him his favour. I think it should be legal fto kill perpetrators or whatever the term is. Why would I ever harm him? He's aacha bhaiya after all. The good brother. The one who loves me. 

If I ever get a lot of money I'll help children and animals and victims of sex trafficking. Everybody deserves a life worth living. A happy life. 

I'm doing this challenge where I don't think about him. I don't cry about him and I don't watch porn. Let's see how long I last. 

I was watching this movie Himizu earlier today. Didn't finish it but there's this old man who helps the main character. I wished the old men in my life were like that. That old man was almost like a paternal grandfather figure. It was 2013. When I told the other kids about it, it almost felt like group therapy. I even told this girl in my school about it. I told people because I was so loyal to Him and if anyone else touched me it was wrong. To be fair I don't know how I felt. It's funny sometimes. 

I look at my sister who's 11 and I think I want to start my teen years again and be better this time. I'm just turning out just like the 19 year olds I used to pity on reddit except I don't have a cat. Well there is a cat waiting for me every morning outside my apartment. Maybe I'm as miserable as them. I want to get better. It's important to live. It is also important to eat. Yesterday I threw my lunch. I regret throwing it but I lost even more weight. I feel sorry for wasting food. I hope I can be forgiven. I try not to waste food, in any form. I have to lose weight. I hope you ate well today reader. Take care.

Getting worse.

He came in my dream. 

He actually is in my dreams pretty often sometimes he's just present there, he doesn't do anything nor do I necessarily interct with him either. Sometimes I interact with him but he doesn't do anything bad to me. Maybe he says bad things but doesn't do anything. Lastly it's just a replay of what he did to me over and over again. 

I slept at 4pm or 5 pm. I was in a classroom. I've been in this classroom before although this classroom doesn't exist in real life. There are many people but the first one is this girl who live beside my room last year in my dorm. I chat with her. Then I change my place and go to the back of the classroom. There I find two girl who are a year youger than me. They used to travel in my van and were in my school.  Was giving them academic advice (lol) anyway somehow I am in my house right after that. It looks very real. For some reason he's here. In this scenario my mom is sitting in her usual place in the sofa. My grandfather is sitting near the tv. My dad is sitting in the place where He usually sits. Meanwhile He is eating something my mom made for him adjacent to my father. Think of it in a way. He and mom are on opposite sides and my dad and grandfather are on opposite sides. I think my mom invited him to eat for something wedding related. I go in to serve him water and he touches me wrongly and I freeze. My mom is looking at him but she doesn't seem to notice. My grandfather is watching the news on the tv and my father is scrolling on his phone. Because he is sitting he can only touch below my abdomen so you know which part (v). But he touches it a way it isn't very noticeable. It's almost like why would any sane person do something so randomly explicit in front of so many people. I think to myself that's it happening again for the third time. Mind you I was think all of this is real. After he finishes my mom goes to drop him to the main gate. It's been a few minutes so I see from the window towards the main gate and my mom is hitting him. There are a few neighbours too bit my mom is hitting him. She says to him that she won't let him so this to me again and that teh last time she didn't give him and accurate response. He's on the floor curled up, just the way I was the last time he did things to me. I feel so happy. I wanted to apologise to my mom and thank her so much. Then I look over to my grandfather who's still watching the news and realise he left on 5th July so there's no way he could be here and then I wake up. 

All day today my mom asked me about college. It almost wants me to kill myself. The only interaction I have I have with her is college college college. Nothing more. I cannot eat lately at all. My mom forced me to. She says I cannot let yoy get sick when it'll soon time for you to pay us back. I know it's a joke but it's feels like I'm some sort of investment more than a person. It really is getting hard to ea but I am also losing weight. 

I feel horrible. Not only does he terrorise me in my waking hours but also when I'm asleep. I tell myself it's not that worse and my mom won't shut up about getting a college and my dad won't shut up about how disappointed he is in me. 

Sometimes, I want to do drugs. Genuinely. I've been joking about drugs since 15 but lately I consider doing it. Not to get high but more so to calm myself down. I beleive I want to do narcotics like morphine. Osamu Dazai used to do it, Pavinol. I wnat to calm myself down. I feel like there's this sort of swelling inside me dying to come out. My chest hurts as usual. My hair won't stop falling. I don't feel well. I don't. 

Fun Fact: today during lunch I had a hard time eating it. I ate half of my meal but when I tried to eat more the food was INVOLUNTARY coming back up. Mom told my sister to NEVER be like me. An object of pain to your parents and some other bad stuff about me. Sometimes I hate my mother so much it's not even hate it's more like if you don't like me, kill me mom. Kill me. I won't even mind. It's not like you care about ME anyway. 

I was struggling with hairfall since last year and it escalated a lot when I finally returned. I kept complaining to my mom hoping we'd visit a doctor even though I HATE hospitals and what they did to me the last time I went. Guess what? Mom told me to eat my meals and I'll be alright. Yay. My mom needs a medical degree right now. What a great doctor. Also, my cousin was here for alike fifteen days maybe seventeen and my mom fes her so much her weight increased by 3 to 4 kgs. Wow. Worst part is her dad will make her lose that weight. If that was me I'd probably not be okay with it honestly but maybe that's how I think and it was normal. 

Kimetsu No Yaiba.

 I would like to express my heartfelt thanks to Koyoharu Gotouge. 

Oyasumi Punpun still remains as the only manga I have ever read.

I started reading Demon Slayer from chapter 140. I feel like that 20-year guy from reddit who said AOT is the best thing that ever happened to him. Gladly he's still alive but is sadly still upset with himself. 

I started reading it from chapter 150 or something I guess after 2am and finished it by 8am. I didn't cry at all throughout the series except the last part where the author tells us to be strong.

When I used to go to class boys would discuss about "DS" and I used to listen to them talk. It kept me entertained. Last year before moving away I used to watch it with my cousins and siblings. I'm so glad the manga exists. 

I appreciate anyone who shows kindness towards me, and this series was one. Now that I have read it I can probably die peacefully, if I do die before it comes out. If I'm still around, I hope i am in a better place that I am or ever was. 

Also, the average age of a Hashira is 21. 

I had more stuff to write about it, but someone came and started talking to me so broke my stream of thoughts. Reader, if you ever get time do engage in the Demon Slayer series. 

I couldn't sleep yesterday until the rain stopped because as always everything is related to Him. I hope I can someday forget about it and move on in life and improve as a person. Not only was this series enjoyable but also educational. I hope I can be a kinder person someday. 

I wish you a soft warm breeze and positive thoughts !!

Everything reminds me of him.

It's raining. Heavily. I'd planned to go for a walk at 4am but now it's almost 5am. I could smell the rain before I could hear it or see it. I did feel there was lightning around midnight. 

I used to love the rain. I used to sit and watch it like a show as a kid. When my siblings were born, I used to sit with them near the entrance of our apartment. I'd cover them up so that they don't get wet and hence fall sick. I used to love the rain. I once told the rain the type of husband I'd like. 

It's raining. It reminds me March of 2020. He did it in my parents' room. He did it where my father's head rests on the pillow right now. That evening he escalated things from his previous routine. I hate him. I hate myself. If I go to my brother's room, I can see his apartment from the window. 

I just want the rain to melt my skin so I can be nothing. I want to flow into the gutter and mix with the water there. I hate it but that's what I am. Gutter.

I'm still sitting and watching the rain while listening to "Carrie and Lowell".

I wish things didn't have to turn out this way. I wish things were different. The way they were actually supposed to be.

21.

Sometimes when me and Bristol don't chat for a few days I start to believe she has found this blog and hates me now.

I love Stephanie Doo. She is so amazing talented and hilarious. Rotten Mango is an amazing podcast and I'm glad she has a husband because come on who wouldn't want to be with such an angel plus he's literally representing my thoughts and responses in her podcast which is just sheer bewilderment or a plain wtf at what these criminals do.

LOVE LOVE POVE BILLIE EILISH. I was listening to HIT ME HARD AND SOFT. The first song is SKINNY, and it has a lyric "21 took a lifetime" and I started thinking about it. 21 is my birthdate. 21 was the age Lil Peep died, as previously mentioned. 21 is probably the age he started doing things with me back in 2011/ 2012 even if it was plain kissing on the lips. I often want to die and then I find myself thinking how much I'd like to watch my siblings grow and how'd they look and be like as adults. I want to be there for them.

I want to change my blog address from " I was once here too" to " holes in my memory" but do I really have holes in my memory? I often fear what if he actually did something terrible to me. Like r-word shit but I don't think he would go that far. Everytime I think about his marriage I want to plunge Excalibur into me and be the new stone. I went to this birthday on the 3rd. His brother's wife was there with the daughter. I tried talking to her bit she ran away. She was in his arms the last time I saw him. The world is so bizarre. Why are kids so naive? My mom would ask his brother or him to babysit me or drop me at their place. Whatever memory I have of him as a kid, especially the ones where we're all alone, he's tried to do something bad with me, but the problem is I don't have many of them. Like I have this memory with his elder brother somewhere between 2008/2009 to early 2012. My mom had left me under his elder brother's care, and she had made puri and chole for him, probably me too. In my memory I'm feeding his cousin elder brother. It's a cute memory to be honest. I often fear I might find more but maybe I'm too deep into the victim complex trying to victimize myself and still blaming his past actions for my current failure. Recently on twitter there was this post for shtwt/edtwt asking who HADN'T been touched/groomed as a child and sadly a lot of people replied yes to that. What made me furious was this one comment which said " I wish it happened with me you guys are so lucky 🥺" as if everyone was getting free concert tickets. I went to their profile, and WE WERE MUTUALS. Ewwwwwwww.

I'm really tired of my acne. Not sure if my skincare products are working at all or if they're just slow. I gotta admit since May I've barely been regular though. It wasn't a big issue at the place I was last year because people there had acne or others developed acne after going there. It didn't matter much as studying was the goal. But back here, as much as I try not to be jealous, I can't help but stare at the clear skin my friends/ middle aged woman who actually just was their face/ even kids (because I'm horrible) have. My skin wasn't the best before going there either though. I had these whiteheads on my chin and would get random pimples. But now it's bad. There are SCARS on my FACE and these pimples are of all kinds my most hated ones being the hard ones like fuck you pimple go die, self-exit pimple pleaseeeeeeeee😭😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏.

Hedgehog's dilemma.

Today I went out with my friends. The same set of people who I met on 2nd of July. Bristol, S (the girl's whose house we went to) and A (the other girl). I feel this sort of distance from my friends. Me A and S went to Bristol's college to pick her up and go to a museum. I wanted to kill her classmate. Why am I so jealous of her? We saw Bristol's college and it's really pretty. I would like to describe it as serene. I plucked a flower and gave it to Bristol later. Bristol gave her lunch, which was a croissant to S. Bristol didn't have breakfast. Bristol has a low appetite. Does Bristol have an eating disorder? Anyway we went to the museum. A and S went to buy something to eat while Bristol stayed with me at the ticket counter. We were discussing about the weather because I simply can't make eye contact with her so I had nothing to talk about. I told her my t-shirt was fully cotton and she said her shirt was too and asked me to touch the material and I simply denied it with "no, thank you". It's hard to talk to people irl. I fear I might be rude to her because I just don't know what to say, my head is blank. Bristol is always nice to me. If seventh grade me knew about this Bristol and the fact that we're friends would have genuinely made my life a little better. We went to a bookstore. A Little Life was there. The cover of that book is my wallpaper and people know what that book is about so I said that I didn't read the book and I just liked the picture. Lies. We ate. Bristol and S ate white sauce paste while me and A ate fish and chips. I orderd so because of the protein. My friend, A literally barely ate the coating. Does she have an ED? Her thigs are thinner than mine, I couldn't help but notice. I tried eating less. I ate like five pieces of pasta. I shared with S a lot. Then dessert. I love sugar. At the last there was a little piece left. They divided it into four parts. I said I font want it but like Bristol actually fed it to me with her fucking spoon and even added a lil bit of ice cream in it. It was a shameful and embarrassing experience. Like it's just that I had to eat from the spoon which had Bristol's saliva and I believe it's not very hygienic. Also, tasting someone else's saliva brings back memories of his saliva in my mouth and on my skin and how terrible I thought it tasted and smelled. Anyway, we got out. Walked around. Bristol and S went back home while me and A went to a different place. 

I feel like the more I happen to like Bristol the more it hurts me. It's like what if she finds out certain things about me and decides to leave me. What if she already knows most of that and is probably just trying to keep it cool until she can't. What if anything happens at all. Anything that I won't like. It's easier to interact with my other friends as compared to Bristol irl because they don't know much about me. I only invited Bristol to my house because she's the one I like. I only have extra chocolates to Bristol on my birthday because she's the one I like. I try to make meaningful handmade gifts for her because she's the one I like. I hate myself for being such a horrible person. She looked nice today. 

I wanted to write a lot like how I have terrible acne and didn't want to go or how I almost cried because I couldn't find a full sleeve top and ended up wearing my younger sister's t-shirt or how I kinda felt left out before meeting Bristol but that's not true because my friends are nice or how S has Melbourne and Bristol pinned on her chats even now and how jealous that makes me or how Melbourne couldn't join us as she was sick and I'm really worried about her ( update: she has a non-cancerous tumor) or how I saw this man in the museum and how pretty he was or how much I wanted to eat that pasta they ordered but didn't or how much weirdly uneasy I felt when S purchased diet coke after buying  a chicken roll or how much I liked hanging out with A afterwards or how I accidentally gave myself a huge cut on the back of my thing while shaving even though I wore full sleeves or how scared I was in the metro because I edge to this porn video sometimes that happens in the metro and how much I didn't want that to happen to me, ever or how much how much how much how much how much. None of it matters. At all. 

P.S. : at S's house the topic of me going to college came up and I said I might have to go to a different state as mine doesn't have good engineering colleges. Bristol said she doesn't want me to go. She said she likes that I'm here. I liked hearing that. Thank you. But then sometimes I feel like it would be better if we were at opposite ends of the world and we would simply forget about each other beacuse seeing her in person is a bit too much overwhelming. 

Thin.

Before I start, he bought my sister a pack of chips. Does he really have no shame? 

How did I find out? Well, my mom bought chips for my sister but I really wanted to eat it, so I gave her money to buy herself a new one and ate hers. A week or two later I ask my sister if she ever bought chips with the money, and she said she didn't need to. I asked and she said HE bought it for her. She was coming back from her classes, they both encountered, and he encouraged my sister to buy chips from him. 

Today I wanted to go out, so I took my siblings with me and his eldest sister tapped on my shoulder. She was accompanied by his brother's wife. I believe both of them don't know what he did to me because both of them casually mentioned his engagement. I wanted to learn more about his wedding, but I didn't because I know that would hurt. 

It was Bristol's birthday on 27th. All I gave her was a shitty ass word document. It was horrible. I had a list of gifts planned but I didn't get the stuff on time to complete it. I've known Bristol for nine years now. This classmate of hers who barely knows Bristol for a year gave her a HANDMADE CUP. I was filled with jealousy and hated. Idk why. I mean if you wanna give something buy it, like a pen or anything, maybe a book. I associate handmade gifts as a symbol of love and dedication. I couldn't stand someone giving Bristol a handmade gift that also before me. Even none of OUR friends give Bristol handmade stuff. Definitely not a cup. I was planning to make similar stuff for her next birthday, but that bitch ruined it. I feel horrible for being such a possessive friend but it's just that how could she. Is she tryna fight me? Something I've wanted and actually got was being friends with Bristol. I would never want that taken away from me. As the years go by it only gets hard to keep friends around, especially with my poor interaction and lack of words. I really do like Bristol and would want to be friends with her as long as it can last. But if that girl proves herself as a better friend than me then our friendship might break off which would make me really upset.

Kailey is back. I feel like there are three main people I look up to on edtwt. Well two, the other one is simply concerning. The first one is Kailey as mentioned. She was born on 28th December 2004. She went from 160 pounds and is currently 68 pounds. She really dud change me. She simply ate pbj, for months. Along with her vitamins. Last time she was online was May of 2023. As much as I aspire to be as determined as her, I was concerned about her as she was hospitalized by the end of 2022, probably October. She did come back a few days ago. I feel sorry for her. There were many comments on her last post asking about her health and guess what she only replied to MINE. There were 88 comments and mine is the one she replied to. My comment was not new or had many likes. It almost feels like winning a lottery. She chose me! Now it's my turn. 

The second person being Xihan. I was anonymously going through edtwt and came across her. I did find her a few months later on my actual account because she's so funny. She too went from 160lbs to ig BMI 13, atleast. She's 5'1. Currently she's BMI 16 probably. 

The third one is a genuinely sad case of Lucida or Lucinda. Idk her spelling. She's severally underweight. She's 25+ years and has a BMI somewhere between 9 to 11 which is obviously very scary. 

I chose to use these names as it wouldn't reveal their identity or their twitter handles. 

Taking about me, I weight 57kgs. It just doesn't seem to decrease and that's because I'm not trying enough. I skip breakfast almost everyday. I avoid snacking. I reduce my portions for lunch. I've tried stopping eating mangoes but my mom forces me sometimes. Plus, I happen to go out sometimes including birthdays of kids in my apartment I HAVE to attend. I can purge, I do purge sometimes but I feel awful. I try to eat less even there but it simply doesn't work. There's another birthday on 7th. My grandma went back today so it's just me and my siblings and parents. 

On 2nd I visited a friend, where Bristol and another friend came. As soon as I entered the room her mom went " you've grown thin!!!"

On 3rd there was a birthday and the woman saw me and went "don't do diets, eat well, you've grown so much thinner"

On 4th I went out to but spices for my mom and a lady in my apartment saw me and went "you've grown so thin, eat!!"

Today, on 5th mom was on a call with my cousin sister and she said " you've become super thin, eat well, else it'll be hard"

It's almost like a streak of hearing how thin I've become but that's jot validating at all because I've actually gained weight. A lot of weight. I barely drink water or go on walks, both of which help me lose weight in a consistent manner. 

On 2nd the other friend who joined us apart from Bristol said she was actually flown to another state to see a doctor as she kept fainting. Turns out the doctor just told her to eat. She had her exams going on and would throw out the food as it'd get cold. Bristol asked her for how long she can go without food, and she said easily two days. I tried not to be competitive and asked about her current health and if she's okay but then I wished it was me. All I'm losing is my hair. 

Today Melbourne texted me and she wrote "I don't eat" followed by "kidding" when I asked her if she eats nightingales to make her voice so sweet. I know Melbourne probably suffers with similar stuff as me but what bothers me is the attention she gets while I try to hide mine. I want to thin. Super thin. 

I pressed my arms on the scale with a lot of force and that was how much Kailey weighed. Kailey weighs as much as my tensed arms. Fascinating. 

The other day I was crying because I wanted to die. I was desperate to die from an "accident". I really don't want to make it past this year. What kept me alive to see 2022 was Rick and Morty season 6. I really like Demon Slayer, but they'll release new stuff (trilogy) in 2026 at the latest and I can't wait that long so I've decided to read the manga. Lil Peep died a few days after turning 21.