Up thinking about Evans Richardson

 Sufjan turned 50 yesterday. He is 30 years older than me. I miss being on Tumblr, his was my second favourite blog after Dogwood. I keep checking on Dogwood and they're doing okay. I often get this strong urge to go back but i won't. All the people i love keep getting older and it's scary. Not a huge fan of birthdays although mine don't make me feel miserable like they used to starting last year. I would like to spend my next birthday looking at the sky and walking around somewhere. Very silent and very quite. It is okay to grow old. I feel too old and too young simultaneously. I'm listening to Lil Peep's Atlanta shows, they were recoded eight days before he died. Sucks that he's dead. I am doing okay tonight. It's just me and my sister sleeping in my room. Glad i don't have to stare at the fan. Will finally get some work done because too bad i feel like doing stuff only at night. As previously mentioned i will also watch the movie on the edge of seventeen. found out there are two movies with this name, will watch the new one. Tonight i'll be listening to Lil Peep. I hope nobody calls it gym music to my face to piss me off. Honestly it's just me being a hater, people are fine. I also have gotten a LOT of control over my stalking habits like i won't be finding out every public information about Will Toledo or Sufjan Stevens what i will do though is keep tabs on Bristol's professors, not do anything just keep tabs. Lil Peep was such an angel. He's singing " Stick that needle in my eye" and honestly i've been thinking about that scene from Oyasumi Punpun where Punpun damages his eye. He was 20. I think about Punpun everyday now that I'm 20. I don't have a headache right now and it feels wonderful. July is a nice month, we have Tanabate on 7th July and then Mitchel Welling's birthday on 9th. Will Toledo was born on the same day as my friend from 8th and 9th grade. I miss her sometimes. She has the same degree as me. We weren't like really good friends but we were friends and it helped me. Really grateful. I like all the people who were friends with me. Went to this shop tpday and i recalled seeing this girl from school there as well back in 2011. I wonder how she is, she left school. Most of the people i used to be friends with ledt school, sucks, even more because i don't remeber them. A few years i could name them all. Was talking to my sister and he good friend from !st grade lowkey her arch nemesis, sad. real sad.  I'll finish this Lil Peep playlist of his Atlanta show then do maths to the powerline noises from Serial experiments Lain (icon). I kinda wanna go for a walk because i love looking at the sky again (without the evil sun) let's see. Will do stuff today. I planned on shiutting my phone again but then i won't be able to use google messages simply on my laptop so i'll use it only at night. Sometimes i do miss Lil Peep. He came in my dream once. I probably wrote about it here or maybe my previous blog, i think my previous blog. I have things and people to look up to so i'll go work. Also i need to drink more water. I knew all his tattoos, even the ones he covered and replaced. All the colors he dyed his hair and all the cars he liked and how much he liked his mom. He died when I was 12. I should think less about people who have nothing to do with me. Will also cut down on sugar, i finally no longer feel the need to constantly indulge maybe once in a while, all credits goes to my sensitive teeth. That's expected tho because my teeth are shifting because of the invisaline. I honestly don't like it because i have two very small cavitives in my front teeth. I will brush daily from today (2:34AM) and i'll do it twice a day. Can't wait for my glassesand the new twenty one pilots album. bye, will go drink water and study. everything will be okay and so will the people i care about and the people who they care about. everything will be okay. We can only hope. 

i want to read stuff by richard siken

 Pride month is over and my results came out. Do you get the joke? I was up last night as well, i really was thinking a lot half of it was about Will toledo, like " Will, you marry me" and i even came up with a response for my mom if she threatens me marriage again: " too bad mom because my husband is 32 AND gay" well, 33 soon I did a research on him and he is gay. i feel like we both would be real good friends as teenagers. I really was thinking how is Cate Wurtz friends with him like did you NOT listen to those albums. I will also stop describing my emotions in song titles and correlate anything anyone says with lyrics. This is the month of sufjan Stevens, i can feel it in my dih. 

about my resuly. ahhh. i was lowkey expecting idk 8, like mom wanted me to get a 9. i didn't really study much this time either but more than last time like no sane person would start making friendship bracelets when they have theie end sem the next day, that too someone who hasn't made bracelets in the past 4 years and only uses them as a coping mechanism or an expression of love. /and i was making a hard pattern. I was making sanrio characters. like wow sure. although honestly i could've performed better this time if it wasn't for my head. Like last sem i was definetly not doing well during the exams, not at all. This year hasn't been very nice. I like some parts of it sure and i'm grateful. It's either really good things happen to me or i just feel off. I am glad i could cry last month because i din't cry much and i would never cry in front of my roomate or just anyone. i really love sufjan stevens he is such a father figure. they should invent a me that doesn't wake up at 2pm. my parents aren't very pleases of me waking up at that hour since yesterday given they drag me to bed by legit 10:30/ I get it they want me to get better and live a healthy life, which is really sweet of them but i have other things to fix before i can reach a levek=l of lixing something like when i sleep. 

I didn't tell my mom about my grades and i won't. People mostly lie when they know that the truth would not be very good to hear. i mean ik people lie for fun and all but yea like genuine lies. Look i did not cheat this sem (not something to be proud of but i will try keeping up this strea) and i did try studying somewhat unlike last sem where i just saw last year's mcq and went. They gave me a 9 in english, they did NOT like my trauma dump ://///. I also got a 5 in ECE and Physics which is funny because i invented modern physics as per for ece i did study a bit. I was doing so terrible before my physics exam, i couldn't even make the bracelet instead i read everything about Bipolar disorder from DSM-5TR which is like a revised version od DSM 5 and i also read about my favourite drug LSD to celebrate my 5 year old relationship of it being my favourite drug. I messed up my drug info at S's house and that's embarassing. Also if you see my previous posts i will be caalling people bipolar which is not good ik, i am sorry. I also really want to know if Will found the real good porn. I'm so invested. 

Waiter! Waiter! i would like to order one serving of Carrie and Lowell and one serving of Teens of Denial!!

i can't find the meme which says stop listening to csh now that pride month is over. Shit keeps falling off my desk. I didn't listen to twin fantasy even once yesterday. it was weird yesterday and i blame it on the pretty blue sky of 6pm. oh and um i am very proone to bruising and get random bruises all the time from god knows where but it's mostly around my knees. Last night i had twin bruises on my shins and i didn't kick anything. my brother is also prone to it but not as much as me. tyler joseph motivates me to play basketball again, forgot what i was supposed to write pli=us people from college keep texting me fuck em. i forgot again what i was about to write but like i really don't like that friend from college who i watched that movie with, like first he tells me 21 pilots is good for the gym which is perfectly valid to say but it pissed me off because why would you reduce something i live by to "gym songs" i get it he was trying to be nice and blah blah but why pretend. now i'm pissed off because we sometimes jam but i haven't jammed in the past few days because i listen to one song the whole day and that's what i wanna do. todat all i wanted to do was listen to sufjan, no one else just him, maybe teens of denial later but just syfjan and he's like jam so i'm like ok and now he added songs that i don't wanna listen to and i am very pissed off again like i want sufjan stevens fuck you man. i am also a terrible friend to him and most people from college which comes from my internalised hate that i sadly can't overcome and honestly i don't want to overcome. I kinda did want to make really nice friends in college but i dont fucking care now. I'll go listen to songs on soundcloud fuck him fuck you. ok i am happy again. did i say yesterday about the guy with him who i had a one year friends streak on duolingo and he suddenly disappeared and he stopped doing it? well he CAME BACK! and were streak friends again!! yay, idk who he is but duolingo matters a lot to me so does my friend streak with him. mom just saw my screen fuck. i will post my result when i'm back, going out to get glasses. baiiiii

came back. ate my favourite ice cream and this donut i used to eat religiously every sunday 3 years ago. mom said she is dosen't expect shit from me and is very disappointed in me well ok. did not fall into the mud and ruin my pants and embarass myself like the last time i went out with mom but i did twin my outfit colors with someone. i was listening to drunk drivers yesterday all day, yesterday was more like high to death but faace to face version because i kept saying i don't feel very well. also almost everyone i know scored less than last time. now i scored more than last time but my score is still less than theirs. i really want to be okay and happy about my grades and be likes i'll get even better next time but my parent's won't buy it. my mom's not very pleased with me lately and dad never was so i will be hiding my grades even though i really don't wanna. 

 

i will try to get hold of myself starting this month. today i feel famous prophets (minds). I don't like listening to face to face because it makes me very sad although there is nothing to be sad about because him and cate are good friends now so that's nice. the npr video is something i watch daily and will makes me really self concious of my lips and i feel like my lips are always dry. i wish i could do something to not have my parents this disappointed in me but yea don't have a solution yet. i need to stop being so obsessed with will toledo. the last time i had a parasocial relationship was with lil peep and it was 5 years ago but this one's weirder. i keep seeing furry symbols everywhere. i really wanna get good grades. this shit sucks but i know that i didn't study. will go listen to a car seat headrest song about how i'm feeling rn. Will listen to csh now then sufjan later at night. i really didn't listen to TOP a lot this year mostly because i'm waiting for their new album. this is the part of the writing where i give up. will do something about stuff again. i am okay though. i hate pav bhaji and i've stated before why and mom might make that for dinner. bye.

back in like 10 mins. i love tea, the one mom makes with ginger. i love you beach life in death. i don't feel as horrible as i used to when listening to twin fantasy but yea. i love twin fantasy so much. actually i like all of his older work and the ones after twin fantasy but like twin fantasy just gets it. the broader concept of twin fantasy is something i used to think a lot about and that's one of the reasons i like this album so much which explains my obsession of cmbyn. i might as well make a list of all the media i like and how much it has influenced. i can't help but think of melbourne whenever stop smoling plays. she isn't doing very well but again i can't do much. i'm still hoping to meet her even though i don't like the idea of going out very much. i am excited about my glasses because i can see clearly. oh and i was reading about this nordic mythology yesterday and leviathan popped up, forgive me cause i can't spell. i will try to get a 9.4 this semester. let's see. i don't really enjoy talking to poeople from college very much. my friendship situation on twitter is also not like very wide, like i don't have as many friends now because i've been less active since 2023. like i was last super active in november. i miss november it feels like it was years ago. i really should stop writing shit here and go study lol. i cannot help but notice pigeon blue everywhere. this yeacup i was drinking in (i selected it) then also the lyrics card for carrie and lowell. i love you twin fantasy MtM. let's see i still can be productive today. yes.