Happy Birthday Melbourne

 fun fact about me is that i am 21 years old and i don't have a job, i do have club responsibilities and i hate it so much. I hate my organizer. I am the PR lead there and oh my fucking god it is a curse. I got so upset because of it i didn't do any work today and tonight they give me a fuck tone of workload of this and that (alongside what i already had) and i also get scolding. Now i did fuck up yesterday in the google meet where i got 'stage" fright" and couldn't speak. i did speak but it was like reading a script. Today i get a scolding for replying to a mail. i replied to it this morning, the organizer tells me a few mins ago that i should't contact them now well how the absolute fuck am i supposed to know that bitch. I hate him so much. all i did today was try and distract myself be it games or shows or food. My sisiter is upset eith me because i'm always busy and so are my parent's because i've "grown distant" now see that might be the case but when i do talk to them they ask me stuff that's suffocating. I have so much to do and this fuckass club won't let me. I fucking hate it. I really want to resign. I am getting way overworked without any pay. Am i learning stuff? well yea but again it doesn't compare to the stuff i would've learned if i didn't have this. Also i have to work on my skills both in cs and in ece and i also have to engage in physical activities and find internships and have a social life this is all so consuming. The only "good" thing is that i have a little time to still learn all of this. #rd year is way too hard and in my department it's suicide fuel. I also have to actually do a deep dive of my 3rd sem because i just studied whatever was easy. I have to study everything. Also fix calculus, i haven't done shit yet. I have to start with CP and fix y public speaking skills. My parents lower my self esteem by like a billion points and it's not like they do it purpously. There's also other stuff.

I visited Melbourne on 5th. I felt sad for her. I wanted to help her. I wanted to tell her the reality but in part i realize what she's experiencing. She's nice. It was mostly lying down on the bed. She did ask me if i was okay everytime she woke up/ She also asked me how do one trust people and i said it's hard. I told her avout her boyfriend but she's in denial and oh god if he isn't the devil himself, she said he changed, something in his heart changed. 

I absolutely hate college. Every single element of it. I've hated it since day 1. I hate hate hate college. I cannot get for it to get over. I really show work towards getting a job.

GUYS, HE APOLOGISED. 

what had happened is that i have a lot of tasks and mailing communities is one of them, i mailed this community along others and they replied (LIKE OTHERS) so i mailed them back. That was at 6 in the morning, at 00:55 pm this guy tells me i shouldn't communicate with them. Look i didn't know that these peeps needed special treatment so how tf was i supposed to know that. 

there's way more but yea these explain the jist of the situation. 

Oh also he dmed me that

okay, i don't work and why does he care what people say about me, he speaks the most anyway and honestly i don't care what they think about me because most of them are awful.

I thought i'll watch bojack horseman, maybe i will but i am running out of time. I kinda miss watching adventure time. 

nervous young woman (pulling out nails with the back of a hammer)

 watch this video. (self advice) // he ends the videos saying wite down your thoughts haha get on my level boozo.

almost done with Adventure Time, currently at s9 ep 11.

yesterday's exam was horrible.

i ate momos and it was nice and ten ruppees cheaper than usual because i ate them from a different shop.

i want to sleep all day for my birthday and maybe go out alone and eat chicken something like maybe butter chicken, i never really was a fan of it but i like it more now probably because of my boyfriend or maybe i just like eating it. 

my next exam is dsa, it is tomorrow. i am not really super woorried about it, i think it is doable.

i kinda want a real proper isolation slump for self development purposes but i cannot cut everyone plus whatever leve of isolation i put myself through it always ends up into a spiral.

i am not really into astronomy anymore. it is hard to accept that someting you have loved since like you were a kid doesn't budge. i know what changed. i read and read and read and read about a lot of things but mostly black holes after It ended for the second time, apart from painting i was always doing astronomy. i wanted to tell someone about it and this one night i go to my parents but they were like not today and the next day it was a same and i tried for maybe a week but they never had the time i guess but i know it wasn't their fault. It was also the pandemic and there were other things to worry about than listen about blackholes, so i packed up all my stuff and went completly on the internet which wasn't the best decision ever. I am saying this because it's almost six years now and i still have the same 11:11 wish. I think i want ot move on from it,not because i don't want it anymore but probably because i do not have it in me. It's like maths, no matter how much i try and try i always hear the mocking of eighth grade where i scored 36. None of this should hold me back and it's not that deep and i should get over it but i simply cannot. 

I am also quitting Duolingo soon, i do not need it to keep track of how long i've been living, it started around 12 may if i remmeber. My current streak is 

The sky was pretty yesterday. 

I like Adventure Time because it also reminds me of Flatsound and i do see a lot of his music being inspired by it. 

for my birthday i got this purple top which i hope is cool, a pair of jeans that fit's me at the waist pretty cool but isn't flared enough:/ I also got this belt which is pretty cool, it is brown and studded. 

i have a lot to learn and improve as always. I am getting socially akward again, i also chopped off my bangs, for in detail updates go check out my previous blog which is logged on my phone unlike this one, i look pretty weird but also eh i dont care enough. 

This blog isn't really a true representation of what i am right now or how i feel or what i like but i do not want to change it either because i remmeber i sat down for like 3 days to make it what it is.

my parents might come on my birthday, real nice of them but i lowk don't wanna be with anyone, Bristol was about to come but her college omg they are gonna suck our poor child's source can you believe that her last exam is on 20th and her 6th sem is from 23rd like okay sure.

I do not know if i wrote about Melbourne here or at all but she is pretty coherent now, not sure what helped her but glad it did. She is still attached to the bible tho. She mentioned her not doing well and Bristol told me to get back to her after my exams and that is what i plan to do. I did text her on insta because she said she needed to talk to someone but then she told me she wants to talk in person instead of texts which is okay. Did you know Melbourne was born just two weeks after me? I think that is pretty awesome.

The epstein files are horrendous oh my god i went on jmail.world yesterday and it was not good. People are genuinenly evil.

Will Toledo has an amazing voice. I never agreed but Ethan (curly haired guy) is pretty cool. 

I think people eventually get over stuff when they have better things to do, not sure when will it be my turn tho.  

I like my bedsheet, this is my favourite one, let me show you. 

Tigger says hi, oh and my mom bought me piglet but we returned it because the quality was bad. I never really liked him tbh fuck ugly piece of shit except Melbourne once said i remind her of Piglet so i yea i started liking him/her a bit. i think Piglet was a guy with ocd who's pink. eh. 

This is what i sent her lol. 

I will go back to adventure time, then my exam, bye bye. 

my feelings are just another csh song

 top 5 feelings this week:

1. i want you to know that i'm awake/i hope you're asleep

2. Beast Monster Thing (love isn't love enough)

3. 1937 State Park

4. Sober to Death

5. Drunk Drivers/ Killer Whales

there are obviously more songs and other artists but omg csh love you. I haven't been studying. Also Bristol is so swesome, she helped me with Maths, love her, also i didn't wish you a happy new year so yea, happy new year. Last two months, dec and jan, were such extremes, extremem gratefulness and happiness or pure breakdowns. I can't rely on Adventure time for long. it'll be over soon and i have exams as well. i am so stressed. My parents are soooo pressed on me getting 8.5, yea lowk hard for me nhl but let's see. ugh.

dinner, bye. 

15260

 I am NOT doing well. Something that would fix a part of this is me studying I ws up all night again. Melbourne is NOT doing well and i think Bristol is just cursed by exams poor kid. I am on an adventure time marathon because it keeps me away from crying or other not so good activities. I was also going banaynays over finding out that seson 8's few episodes were missing from the website i am watching (cineby.gd/flixer.sh) so i scraped the entire net and i was freaking out because adventure time keeps me stable. i was crying so bad earlier yesterday. Talking to people doesn't help much ngl and i get better okay soon anyway. So i did not find S8 anywhere and i was about to not be good when ig some entity decided to save me and i found it here, i am currently watching the 8th episode. I knew about there being a mitski song in adventure time but boy this kinda made me feel okay. i was looking up not so good stuff earlier so this helped me a lot. Also Francis forever is my fav mitski song (or maybe second, The pearl is more relatable) but yea. Also today i am supposed to leave for my hostel but i haven't packed shit yet. my exams are from 16th and i haven't studied shit yet, i got a hackathon on 28th and i cant code shit, you see i cant do anything. i hate everythinng. 

ps: 15260 is the code for adventure time like : https://www.cineby.gd/tv/15260/8/1 although this will actually show you the 14th episode :(

that one scene from cmbyn where Oliver is dancing

 i will list the good thing s this month:

1. pineapples

2. sitting in the balcony on the sofa in the sun with my mom and sis even though i hate the sun

3. people i talk to willingly

4. adventure time

i feel like a new csh phase is coming soon, all my friends are in a relationship. things are okay. okay.

familiar feeling

listening to twin fantasy mirror to mirror while also watching adventure time. things feel and are different. i absolutely hate acne btw. looking forward to my brother's birthday on 8th. i do want a cutscene. i will never stop loving twin fantasy no matter how i feel towards it. right now it feels very distant and behind. not that i feel ahead. this year was ok. i can't say bad but yes definetly very overwhelming and consuming and futile. sometimes i feel okay though. like when i woke up today. mom came with a cup of tea for me and dad came soon as well. i woke up around 1but no one ws yelling at me. siblings were at school and i got that single child feeling. sometimes it catches up to mr even though i don't care about it like last night when i was studying in the hall and my dad and sister slept in one room and my brother and mom in one room. in front of me are my twelth grade books. i am in my brother's room. i find my room a bit to depressing especially the walls and my desk that have stuff from 2020. i really really really want to take it all down. i should do something. i have time and a lot on my list. soon it will be 2026. i haven't moved on from the previous years. i don't like the passing time and how i am constantlyrunning out of it. i will get back to adventure time. 

kafka would've be my fren

 hi it is me, i have decided to use my laptop more so you might see me often now. if i could just erase my fucking life i would like not in a suicidal way but like i would rather lay in a pile of warm laundry instead of whatever keeps happening. I've watched mysterious skin so many fucking times.there is an easter egg in this post incase i go on another hiatus. I'm back to liking car seat headrest again, like a normal person. I do brush once in a while and i am considering getting braces because i fucked up my invisaline shit. I like bunny, my soft toy, i think i have posted pictures of him previously. I hope so, There's this something, this tension, this need to be engaged every single time but not  engaged in a helpful way. There are things that need changing. I should not be responsible for making decisions for my life. I also get very upset with whatever made up version of me my parents ahve in their head, also why are they so strange when they ask me to be confident then put on restrictions, and it's just not them. Also the thing that i hate the most is my mom caring for my so called safety. I'm tired of writing this over and over again but she should NOT be the one out of all people to care about that. It really pisses me the fuck off when she acts all concerned. Also i get it they love me but again it is not in a way i understand and it's very materialistic and also somewhat enabling lwgich translates to promoting me to do thingd that are bad for me because they think they might make me happy. There is definitely a lot that has changed again. I really cant handle change. my head starts hurting whenever i start thinking stuff. I also again don't like college very much. Also in a sense i feel like like most of the people (except you know who) are just pretendng to be nice and they think i am insane which makes me want to run away. It's 3am. i have been trying to sleep on time but i just can't you know. I really cannot. Jude is very relatable with the parts i am reading. My scalp is fucked up. my teeth are as well. skin as well. I want to be better than this. I have so much hatered and disappointment and just plain anger from most people. I don't enjoy being all by myself but then i don't like most people. fucking college. fucking shit. I wish i could meet Bristol more often and i hope she isn't reading this cause it would be embarassing. I am at home and it's the same cycle of not wanting to be at home and blah blah. I think i am doing bad though because the general factors plus i barelt listen to music and also i am in my brother's room. I was here five years ago as well, for several months. I was alone at home today because i do have a fear of being out alone althoughh i would be with my mom and then she's pretned she didn't see people and i'd have to do the same. It was nice being at home. Alone. I feel so tired. this whole year, was so fucking weird. Nect year has more shit. I really do not want more time to pass. 

This is bunny beside me rn. I love him as well. I really like mysterious skin. It is so real. I really hope i can watch Frankenstein with my friend. 

two (almost) ten-minute boiled eggs with black salt might JUST fix me

 i hate college so much i could cry about it for hours on end. Every single fucking aspect of college makes me hate it. I feel like i have grown as a hater because of it. Then there comes being hurt by the people i love and care about. I absolutely hate being twenty. I wish i could abandon people more easily. i do not like the human society. I can't wait to be all alone and by myself again in the next two years. Knowing myself i will probably be extroverted with my collegues as well and that will be another hell. I hope the next person i interact with isn't fucking evil. I just need a room that i like and a cat that likes me back. i hate hate hate how i feel rn, it's like an annoying kind of hate, my body isn't capable of feeling so many negative emotions at once all the time. it's 2:23 am, i was supposed to sleep by 11. I am so pissed i'll start learning cybersecurity, eat two boiled eggs and do bicle crunches for no apparent reason at all. Listening to Just by Radiohead on repeat. The 21 pilots album came out on 12th btw, i didn't even bother much. Sucks when you are too tired to put effort into the things you love. I don't like it when other people make me mad. Why is my roommate up man why why why i had planwssssssssssss. A lot of things happened with me and a lot keep happening. Today was sleeping a lot because i was already depressed about an interview i gave. I got selected for two positions, design + ui/ux lead and pr team lead. The issue is, i think both these positions are shit and i wanted something cool like aiml or web3, the worst part my interview went absolute dog shit as well. Even if i get selected by some miracle i would still hate it cause lie tf am i supposed to do? make posters?????????? idk how to make posters, the best i can do is make domuts in blender that too the 3.0 version which is like four years old. I feel terribleeeeeeeeeeeeee, i hope eating eggs make me feel better. I will start crying if they are even slightly off by how i like them.2:31 am rn. bye bye i am sleepy already.

10.09.25

 I came back home. For my dad's birthday. Today is 11. Yesterday i went out with mom to exchange something i had bought a week ago. While returning I saw. It is 12:10pm and i have lab from 2 and i still haven't left. I don't want to go back. I don't want to be in this room. I want to write. I have exams from 15. My parents brought fruits for me to take back. I want to sleep more. I don''t want to do the lab. Don't wan to return, don't want to be here. I saw how my mom pretended to not see yestersay and so did I. I remember hearing her say something but i guess i was too sleepy or it was just a part of my dream. I have started somewhat journalling, like drawing shit. I can show you the recent one, it's not complete. 

I asked like four people what to write, one of them gave me a lot of his personal quotes and shii but yea, ill figure it out. 1st sem, 2nd sem mid sem, 2nd sem, 2nd sem and now 3rd sem mid sem. Someone has to be there to ruin my exams. I am not studying again. I need to stop other people influencing my life to the point it's not my life. I am upset with a lot of people. I should brush my teeth more often. I will get vacations soon but i don't wanna have it. college bad, being 20 bad. bye bye. 

Came baack to say the new 21 pilots album will be out this 15th.

Suicide note that only says "please fix the wifi"

 Everytime i sit to study the wifi dosen't work, it's been like this since March, it did work for like a week after i returned. So glad i don't break things when i'm angry just think of doing so because this laptop would be DEAD. I have zero time so i won't be writing here much also I am raging because i wanted to watch the mv for "Next Semester" and this shii keeps lagging. Didn't watch the season finale of rick and morty yet. Bye.

William James Barnes as a sleep paralysis demon

 I hope that's his correct full name. Everyday I microdose on his relationship with Wurtz and no i don't search it up i just happen to come across it. Last month i spent almost two if not three weeks diseccting mirror to mirror. Eat sleep MtM was the routine. I also never really judged him because i have weird/bad interests too which i HOPE everyone does but um if you see the genius annotations for the portrait of an artist as a young fag you'll see what i mean, maybe. I also kinda get it why Will liked Cate. Also the fact the whatever relationship was just a year that was between 2010 to 2011. I was literally roaming around the country with my parents back then eating fun stuff and spending time with my cousin who i somewhat idolize. He legit turned 23 man. You know when i was in 6th grade i used to think how when I'm a certain age he'll be a more significant certain age and how i might feel about his age. It's like there always be someone older than me which is sweet. Also i look at so many pictures of will daily that i feel like if i start hallucinating ever i will be hallucinating will. But then he doesn't show up in my dreams so my thoughts of him are just superficial and not like subconscious. I did sleep by one last night. Woke up at seven then slept again then woke up again at 8 something showerd, did my maths class returned was doing web dev, it's 12:15 rn, i have classes again from 1pm till ig 4. I do not want to be out in this heat, eternally grateful i don't have to travel in this heat. Haven't had a proper conversation with Melbourne in a while but she keeps saying things are okay most of the time so i'll believe that. My tomorrow's lab is fun, it's of digital systems. I like the subjct. I'll go back to web development. fuck i js tried to "connect" with someone on twitter like the ghost of unemployment in me sees every social media as linkedin. Aslo saw someone say 11 years ago and they were 27 like man so you mean when you were 16? I was 16 four years ago an  had a tumblr blog where i wrote shit like this (on my sub blog not main) and then THEY FUCKING DELETED ALL MY FOUR BLOGS on 14th Jan the next year. I was never so desperate for a company but yea i did breach the guidelines lol. I will not return on Tumblr, also Sufjan doesn't use his account anymore it's managed by his team, i hope he is okay, i hope everyone who i genuinely like is okay, the others can live ig. will write more if i feel like tonight.

bro, this girl who's birthday was yesterday (i lied to her about not going out last month) she's a friend from school says this girl from college is my bestfriend now why would you say this man lowkey pissed to delete instagram again. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT, this is what people mean whenn they say instagram relationships aren't real. I mean my friendship with that girl did have an evolution given i fucking hated her and we lowkey friends now, mostly because her primary friend got a boyfriend and her roommate turned a bit weird and our other friend keeps talking to boys she should't despite us warning her which leaves both of us together. Do i think we are friends? honestly no but i do like her compared to other friends because she doesn't cross certain boundaries or force me to do stuff like others but then she does other things to piss me off at times but still alright. I'll write about college sometime soon.

15:57 rn, i don't know what form of drugs i am on but i made a COMPLETLY NEW AND DIFFERENT meaning out of these lyrics from Beach Life in Death. I opened linkedin because i was like let's search this friend up she has a similar name to mine and um MY COUSIN SISTER WHO IS 8 YEARS OLDER THAN ME popped up, i never mentioned my name on this blog but it is similar to her, like her brother named me after her pretty much the reason half the time anyone says my name i'm like "ah yes, me!" like i js saw my cousin sister's profile which was recommended on my friends profile and as my head is always csh mode these certain lyrics HIT ME and i was like "what should i do? write on blogger". Also remember how i hope Melbourne is fine and all, just saw instagram, i'm not very active there but well she is far from better. today is a shit day, i absolutely hate wednesdays. I legit had 2 classes that too one i barely understood, the other my friend kept talking. /last wednesday was shit so was this. So fucking hot i want to kill the sun. I cannot help my friend(s). Melbourne at the moment, what do i do? Go to meet her? she's like 21 kilometers away and it takes two hours to travel. What do i do even if i meet her? Tell her to stop? stop what? How. Extrememly inactive on twitter because i js don't want to be, opened it today and saw a thread on how to comfort people, didn't read it. Closed twitter. I don't like my friends here because are we even friends. I genuinely as a friend like this one girl because she never pissed me off, the same girl with whom i watched Mysterious Skin with. We aren't really good friends but she lowkey gets what i'm tryna say, maybe i'll make a post on people from college. It's almost gonna be a year since i joined and i hate college as much as i did because i was correct about everything. Did eat the banana today btw, felt so sane. If i ever live by myself i'll eat bananas daily. Pretty easy to eat, hated them as a kid tho. I also read the newspaper today. Lowkey avoid it cause tf you mean. I love Beach life in death so much i want to cry, what would i be without twin fantasy. I was thinking the other day that i would've loved csh in middle school or as a teen and my immediate next thought was a big NO. seriously. I have a severe case of Will Toledoism where I want to look like him and write songs like him. He's also actually tall unlike me. I am in fact not actually tall, just relatively. Not that i like tall people, rather i find them annoying tbh. What even is a tall person anyway. It's so hot and i accidently wore clothes that are lowkey thermal like meant for winter, this top and my pants were already. I have these black pants that i wear ALL THE TIME and yes i do wash them in time. I have decided i won't look at pictures of Will unless i finish calculus till Fourier and I will not listen to his music until i finish Web Development. Yes, i like to torture myself. I don't even listen to TOP anymore, just waiting for Breach. I am listening to Twin Fantasy MtM one last time and locking tf in. This guy came to meet me so  i had to change my cloths to go meet him tf.A sticker from his bike's helmet came off, he sent me a picture asking if i could fix it like boy just slap some glue. /i did kinda igmore him throughout the day bt i went with glue this time and shit won't come out so i now have his helmet in my room I am gonna get KICKED out of my hostel. Nice helmet tho wait I'll show you

not that cool. AND I HOPE IT WAS FOR ME, I HOPE YOU WERE USING YOUR SONAR SYSTEMS FOR MEEEE. I love this song so much if this song was a person i would totally marry them. I love you Will Toledo not one or too but so many good songs oh my god. Okay back to my friend Melbourne, i will not be telling Chatgpt shit anymore because honestly it can fuck off. Please. What type of specific feeling does one need to experience to write Beach Life in Death. I am lowkey cooked and as usual i do not know what to do BUT i will figure things out amen. Sober to Death was like water to me last month. Fuck Stop Smoking is playing. Also when i say friends i mostly mean Bristol and Melbourne because I mostly talk to them, when i say my other friends i mean A, S and Africa but i don't mention here here a lot tbh. I like them as well, i was even thinking of hanging out with A sometime soon and she's so super cool , she makes these animated videos and she's doing amazing and texted me that i should collab and i was like, "yes". Sober to Death is playing, I love you Sober to death. I am a lot of things but not a one direction fan. People keep posting stuff about them. my friends like them a few years ago. Should I call Melbourne? It is 16:48 and i am done writing for today. Don't worry, you and me won't be alone no more.

it is 17:44 still listening to Twin Fantasy, the latest episode of Rick and Morty was nice, enough. I came back to say how funking sweet it is when Will says "you know i love your art" in famous prophets (minds). It is just so sweet, I'm really happy hearing that. Knowing that how extensively will uses Wurtz's art in his work be it the numbered albums or be it the latest one, even in his lyrics. Also earlier this morning i found it funny because in nervous young inhumans he says:

im pretending i know a lot more about you than i actually do, and also to refer to the fact that i've fallen in love with the characters youve created in, uh, your body of work.

but then i was reading the genius annotation for the portrait of an artist as a young fag and: 

He is sweet, kinda but then again personally, i would never draw a pornographic version of my nonexistent fursona but to each their own, Will wouldn't do a lot of things that i engage in. 

Also the father line is about Wurtz having a daddy kink, i really need to stop dissecting lyrics. The guy came btw, gave him his helmet, bro keeps calling me ma'am how do i stop that i do not want to be romantically involved with anyone from college, ever. More like you don't date your coworkers policy. This was the cooking situation i was referring to earlier, anyway my teeth is getting bad so i'll be definetly away from sugar as well unless i finish python and c#. Both. 

Chocolate covered almonds taste alright

 Do you like wishing people birthdays? I mean it kinda bothers me if i have to force myself and constantly remind myself like oh! today is 22nd of July it's someone's birthday. I like having my birthday in February but i don't like turning old at literally the start of the year, I did actually sit down one day for like the perfect birthday and to me it's 17th of May, my cousin brother was born that day, it's like you turn old just in time before half the year is over. Being the only one around my age he did influence me a lot. I do wanna talk to him as well i used to back in like 2023 but yea not anymore. 

I was listening to something soon, especially the dance video and It's so sweet. That's how me and my siblings used to dance back in 2022. I liked spending time with them back them. Even the last time i was at home my brother told me how we should do the Harlem Shake again. I don't remember what we used to dance to but yea it was nice, i remember a few. I also heard the demo version of famous prophets from his tumblr and now I'm listening to "I wanna Sweat" from nervous young man. Bro is relatable. Oh, I was also listening to the ghost of Bob Saget and Will Toledo, i see you. Genius is so funny sometimes. Also i totally see why Cate and him were friends in the first place. One does fetish art and the other is a user of a fetish based forum. I actually might know which one but i'm not gonna go search that as well. I actually don't like r34 especially of characters of gravity falls like man. I accidently came across this subreddit when the samsung mascot girl was going famous and i was in this subreddit where the top post of all time was a clip of wendy and dipper. Even though they drew dipper as an adult it was still very upsetting to me given he was my favourite character. 

I have college today. I woke up at 5. It's 8:25rn. i was doing clippers because i wanna get a 10 in analog circuits even though i seem to like digital circuits a lot more. Spending time with my roommate lowkey feels like spending time with my parents in 2022, it's nice. I'm not very fond of my friends here though. I will call my mom more, i just don't pick up calls. Maybe i will call both of them and my grandma. yes, let's see. Also this one girl goes "you should try waking up at 9 atleast" okay. I will be listening to something soon all day. I love your songs Will Toledo.

It's 23:45, not sleeping on time tonight out of some general protest namely because i'm pissed at my friends here, especially my roommate. The key rule to being a roomate is to not say shit like man i don't tell my roommate's stuff here either although it's not that serious but i am pissed. What do you do when you're pissed? Today i decided I'll listen to Sabrina Carpenter whenever i'm pissed. Was listening to bed chem now to taste. You'd think who does she think of while listening to these people well you'd assume Will Toledo but the answer is ananlog circuits course even though i find digital easier. I swear my analog circuits teacher and me have that relationship of being heavily ignored by your crush. She said to study about wafers so that's what i did foe like three hours, i legit studied EVERYTHING. She did not show up the next day. For today's class I studied everything about clippers and she did not show up. The worse part is when she does teach she asks questions but i'm so unsure (because i didn't study basic electronics) that i never answer. God knows what my DSA teacher is on. I did talk to my grandma and mother today. Sabrina Carpenter writes okay songs, listening to manchild rn and it does lowkey feel like torture, skipped, espresso, now he thinkin well girl i wish i could bed chem with analog circuits, if i do actally end up getting a 10 (amen) in this course it will be out of sheer fear only. that's that me espresso. I like listening to doja cat when i'm on a walk, Agora hills is my fav by her. Yes guys i look very wannabe northindian with my bangs glad you noticed, i find that really funny. I don't have labs tomorrow and i will not fall into the trap of hanging out with people. Also my mom lowkey funny i caleed her and i was like i got a stomachache and she goes like only? i got a headache and a few more that i don't recall. I was like girl go get those medicines and she was like i did so i was like send me too and i don't remeber her response. What even if the song taste about:/ oh wait just listened to the lyrics okay girl, saw a comment being very cringey saying Sabrina is there mother or something lol. I really won't be walking around in the sun tomorrow i just have one class from 9am to ten then the rest from 1pm. I called my mom grandma and dad, dad didn't call back,, i should tell him he owes me a pineapple for that. yes. Takeshi Kaneshiro 🤤😩🥺😋😘😍🫡🤗

KEXP is getting kissed tonight (by me)

 okay so even though i'm writing it today i meant to write this yesterday but did not have the time. i bought a new lip balm something that i really like and i was like haha who wants to kiss me and i look straight and i was like "not today willy boy" and then i look down and there is my very gorgeous book of electronics. won't kiss it though because it's from the library, lots of germs. Bristol mentioned mitski and that's what i listened to yesterday apart from twin fantasy. i saw her live on kexp, didn't realise they invite people apart from car seat headrest. they even have once more to see you like man come on i will not be crying. anyway, yesterday was pretty decent. i kinda didn't do much except cleaned shit and did a bit of calculus. i was feeling better. i also was on a call with my mom when this girl came in and my mom kept talking even though i showed her but she kept talking. i really wanted to talk to her but i am also kinda a sucker for privacy because i didn't want the girl or my roommate to be present. i mean it might sound funny why i'm paranoid about privacy when i literally stalk people or atleast did, excessively but if you think about it that's exactly the reason why, because i don't like when others get in the conversations i have with people. also my mom is so pretty omg, i feel like if you look pretty on a videocall you really are like super pretty cause like everytime i am on a videocall which is mostly with my mom i look like a racoon who just came out of a dumpster dive. anyway i feel like my mom is the prettiest among the five of us in our family like i know i might behave like a simp but like wow you're really pretty i'll actually listen to you more haha. also she has really nice teeth. not in a weird way. i don't remember much but i went to sleep before 11:30 and i was listening to twin fantasy and i know i slept around 12:30 or after because i was done listening to the entire album once. woke up at before 5:30 without an alarm or anything and did not oversleep. i spent like idk fifteen minutes on my phone and went to take a shower and i also washed my hair which took time. oh and if you feel absolutely didgusted scum of the earth make sure you wash your hair, it makes me feel much better atleast. i literally used to shower at like midnight in december last to last year with cold water to like feel shit and feel better. i like cleaning stuff as well, cleaned my comb today. i also don't like long nails (on me) my sister grows her, we are completely two different people but we love each other, i do now atleast. went for breakfast and they did not have banana which we get on mondays and wednesdays kinda wanted to throw a tantrum like a spoiled kid but i was like "ok". also while i was talking a shower i was thinking something about shampoo and i said "i do" and my head went "i do, lovvvvveee you, i dooo" so as any same person would i was watching this<3

Also Bristol told me she cleaned her bed yesterday which was really amazing so i decided i'll study on my desk instead of my bed AND now that i'm sitting here i'm closer to Will, let me show you wait. 

the iron belongs to my roommate, also while i was on the call with my mom she saw my posters especially the will toledo one and went "so this was your project" and i was like "haha! how can someone be so pretty haha love your teeth! haha!" kinda meant it. Also i was aware she was pretty it just hit me suddenly yesterday. oh and i finally did watch the eighth episode of rick and morty and i kinda felt bored because it was about jerry and just like his family i don't like him very much either and i was hoping the entire fandom dosen't either but oh boy was i wrong

i kinda wanna listen to the owl and the tanager so that's what i'll do and get back to studying after this. also i did like the beth episodes more, ig episode four was my absolute fav this season. Also the picture i have is that of the orgasmic man from 1969 by peter hugar. there are actually three pictures in the series that i use across multiple online profiles why is my stomach hurtingg aahh. don't drink excessive carbonated drinks, i mean i didn't but fuck it. i forgot what i was about to write but um yea forgot, also tyler joseph is very funny, he loveeeeees tricking the fandom like 

he's actually correct because the fandom fined meaning in everything. also it's funny how this album's lore arc is coming to an end after literally ten years but car seat headrest had their lore album this year.

oh and i love it when he writes songs forr his wife on the album it's so sweet when people actually love their partners. he said that while performing if Jenna isn't there he looks at Josh and performs it for him, that is so so sweet. I hope he has a song for Josh in this Album. I mean he did have songs for Josh in the last album which were not directly implied to him but obviously the feeling were the ones for Josh. love them. 

Also i head the live performance version of Stud yesterday and i literally was obsessed with it, i remember troye sounding different but anyway. I always loved the tshirt he wore in the video and this time i noticed it has the word "fantasy" in it, the day i learn embroidery stitching it's over for some people and i do have the genes or whatever to do that because my mom's an expert at it, she won't teach me tho. Also i was listening to Body's yeserday and spotify does not have the background vocals but Genius does and the lyrics are so sweet also i feel like Will tries to be sneaky but also makes it painfully obvious, there was also something avout watching the Wire i wanna watch it, not right now tho, I'm looking forward to django unchained and also maybe some david fincher or whatever his name his. I reallly really want Greg Araki to make a movie with me aahhh. Love you and your album Will Toledo.

I kinda wanna change my lockscreen which is a picture of mitch, i mean i did have his theme going on last ot last month and i love this picture of him, will probably print it out but i have another picture that fit's my phone well, very well. it also goes with the general theme of my phone, i had it in mind for the past few weeks but aah idk. I absolutely love my wallpaper and my notification sound. I am definetly not someone who takes pictures from pinterest and just sets them, my current wallpaper is probably my favorite one ever. i love looking at Will Toledo he is literally so cute omg, ok i need to be normal aaahh.

also there was a google event tomorrow that i was supposed to go to but honestly i really wouldn't do anything just go and listen so glad i didn't go, also i love my glasses but i stink it might be giving me acne but i still love it.  i'm gonna appropriately touch the will toledo poster now and sit to study bye y'all, keep brushing, i brushed twice yesterday and what did make me fall asleep was the pain in my teeth i did tell the doctor when i went on 13th and he gave me a toothpaste but i saw today and basically cavity shitt aahh fuck you cavities fuck you. also i love my hair rn so much like you should totally touch it even my roomate asked what i put lol also she lowkey freaky but anyway also she's like what is the size of your underwhere yesterday and i was like "🤓👍". today she asked who my bestfriend was and i guessed hers and she's like how'd you know like girl i have something to tell you but i won't. anyway, bye bye. 

I HATE WILL TOLEDO CAUSE HE MAKES ME LOWKEY CRY EVERYDAY like not real crying but like tears do come up. why? well today the reason is well i know that in the background vocals of bodys we have:

 I haven't watched you watch season 5 of The Wire

which was already sad enough also this isn't my favourite line from the song btw but yea anyway i was listening to beach death and:

 Don't wanna see, don't wanna watch

The Wire Season 2 by myself

Can he stop, i mean he technically did but like no Will Toledo, no. You're evil, you're not a good person.

I will not be listening to music for the rest of the day unless i get done with all my tasks keep crying Will.

amazon delivery guy called me during the sex scene

 there are certain things that really piss me off. one of them is stealing from me. today was NOT a good day. listening to twin fantasy makes me feel miserable enough, and then after writing the previous post i saw all the live performances of twin fantasy and then everything related to mystery of love. then, i watched a youtube video which was way better than the three hour omething movie i wagtched. i screenrecoded multiple sections and i left miultiples comments which the guy even liked. even though the yt vifeo was not more than 39 minutes i spent atleast two hours on it. honestly, i love that guy. i love the video. i recommeded him twin fantasy mirror to mirror to make he feel even miserable and he gonna listen now. since yesterday or more like the day before i wasn't doing well again. 

i was supposed to get my an amazon pakage today with a lot of stuff including a customized will toledo tshirt. stolen. everything. called amazon and they were like hmmmmm we gonna raise an investigation. no refund no return. i was so pissed. also i have anger issues and i'm fucking pissed. not like i break things or anything i'm just angry and i need to control it and move on with my life but like i really was looking forward to the parcel, especially the tshirt, i even bought matching pants. bristol was nice. my mom was too. even my dad made me happy today, he called me all of a sudden because he wanted to talk to me. it was like a 5 min call but it was nice. i generally hate calls but not really if i like the other person which was true in this case. fuck you amazon thief. will toledo tshirt. also a new smurfs movie is out, i wish donnie darko was my boyfriend we could watch it together. why is my warden here dawg i am not on my best behavior. will cry to something now please leave song recommendations for crying to stolen amazon packages.

also the entire movie i was shaking my leg or looking up at the ceiling. i kid you not me screenrecoding the yt video i watched today had the same emotion as people recording this movie. i mean it was just "oh okay go fuck yourself" i mean i'm not someone who watches hindi romance movies. look my issue is just that it just felt very fake. i mean when i watch a movie i want it to make me feel something. i wish i could watch mysterious skin on the big screen instead. lsomeone was crying in the hall like stfu. i did get pissed like you gonna say i was pissed because it was an ohh boy and girl fall in love with each other story but no, i don't have an issue with that, atleasst make it real, like the people were too perfect and bullshit everywhere. i kept thinking about oyasumi punpun the entire time. i mean it has a boy and a girl storyline and i love it. i've been obsessed with it. i even got somewhat of a toothgap like aiko now and even have a haircut like her now. there's this picture of her stuck in my head that i've been trying to achieve sinnce the past few years. she was twenty in that panel. i would post it maybe i shouldn't.

 anyway here is the yt video i saw.  love him. 

dad called rn. i am so happy. told him about my stolen package, he is on the call rn. he said he's gonna give me the stolen amount right now and i should't waste my mind on it. he also asked about the movie, i won't be upset about it anymore. i 'm glad he exists. mom told him, was on a call with her earlier. he cut the call saying don't worry be happy.

i will not bebad from tomorrow. i will keep holdoing onto the feeling that i came with. i need it to keep going. i  have to study. i'll probably sleep or d calculus cring listening to who else but wil toledo and his band but i have a roomate so no crying. 

twin fantasy mirror to mirror

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i had to write this down. i wake up and i want to listen to the entire album, i go to sleep i want to listen to the entire album, i'm sitting in class and the songs are playing in my head, i love this album more than anyone i've loved in the past year who i already didn't love so basically no one. mystery of love used to play in my head most of the time for like three years or so. still does. this is an entire album. i literally have visual artistic scenes for each line of mystery of love. i am plagued by twin fantasy mirror to mirror. will toledo what have you done. i love each song so much i'll start crying rn but i won't because my roomate is sitting right in front of it. beach life is playing right now. nobody in my fuckass college likes twin fantasy mirror to mirror as much as i do. if i'm being honest, nobody likes their romantic partners a sliver as much as i like this album. twin fantasy mirror to mirror might be my favourite album ever, it's honestly a big thing to say given i like only a few albums very much. how does one even write twin fanatsy mirror to mirror. will toledo. oh will toledo. i'm looking at his poster right now across from my bed. I DONT WANT TO GO INSANNENNNENENENENENENENENENENENENENENENENENEN. will toledo. WILL. almost feels like i've been cursed by this album. i love you twin fantasy mirror to mirror, i love you. 

darling can i kiss you

 is what my roommate said to me five minutes ago. I swear to god sometimes she says such freaky shit and there i am the icon of asexuality with my straight face like "oh sure go ahead" no like this time tho i actually got up  (to take my laptop to write this post) and she's like " are we doing this fr" like ofcourse why not. eh anyway we doing pretty good tbh and she tends to like me more since i got my haircut and glasses and i am in better living conditions. my room is clean and i shower daily and brush atleast once, if these don't check out for you atleast maybe things are very wrong.

returning from my previous post, god knows what communal love i feel for people but yea i am not a huge fan of anything associated with college so aahahhh no someone is coming to my room fuckkkkkkk.

anyway, so yes, i was on a daily study streak except last two days. i hate it when i feel bad/ not get my work done/ sleep less because of other people who i don't even care enough about. i do not care if you're texting two guys and think it's totally fine trust. i mean yea i care somewhat and i tried explaining but whatever. i did all my classes this week, tried paying attention to most, i try keeping in mind what i'm doing all this for. all of this. actually yesterday i was thinking how i ended up here like with science. like i did plan on taking it but obviously the way things were back then i wouldn't really take this. whatever reason it was it still has me going which is nice. really nice. really. i really want to put in effort and get a good job. I do pretty well by myself and my roommate is good enough. we don't interact much but like it's alright, we are okay. things keep happening on twitter and irl. yesterday i woke really late (at 7 something instead of 2 or even 5) and i didn't feel like studying so i went to class early to sit there and study. this friend is pissed that i didn't call her like ??? anyway she was rude to me the entire day. today she tells me it was hormonal medicine. well i'm pretty sure hormonal medicine does not make you a bitch to hurt just one single person and be nice to others. either way i kinda did not let it bother me and was pretty normal and today she was back to being good with me, not an issue tbh. what an issue is was me seeing my twitter yesterday, terrible. everytime i opened it something happened. one of those people were faking it and they got exposed today. also people breaking up like jubi and her boyfriend broke up, dahlia and her girlfriend broke up, irl in my college someone broke up. also xihan logged in after i guess years and we talked a little. she's nice. as much as i like twitter it's very scary. i saw this girl yesterday and she's what i could have been. everybody manages their shit i guess. i also got wet in the rain today. i don't really get sick often as some of my friends might say as well but um yea i am trying to be as healthy as possible because let me tell you something, i am fucked. my subjects might be interesting but like any real relationship it take efforts and dedication instead of plain admiration. i am up for it though, i have my main inspirations, imma state it again if  i haven't already: 1. michael reeves 2. serial experiments lain 3. rick and morty and so much more. i keep thinking of the movies i've watched and want to watch. I was about to watch "close" a 2022 movie but didn't. i will soon tho. somehow every movie i watch is lgbtq in someway or if it isn't it has sex in it which is well kinda weird or it's something that makes me feel exposed(?). i wish there was a solution. I was thinking about the apple scene from "water lilies" and honestly yea. yea. i wanna rewatch it cause marie gets it. kinda. 

today i was in maths class and my teacher was teaching fourier and was referencing to series and those tests we had in 1st sem like cauchy and root which i didn't give one flying fuck about but yea and all of a sudden this girl who sat beside me, she's lowkey a friend just says something that made me disoriented the entire day like hahahahha yes yes you are correct like i won't write what she said but she just randomly asks " oh you have skin disease" and i thought she was referencing to my fingers which had gotten pretty bad but nope she was referring to something else and says she assumed it was something else (she was correct) and i was like no no that's skin disease and she literally pointed out each and every single one. her roommate did the same thing (in a much more creepy way) a few months ago. also the girl who was pissed with me yesterday wiped her glasses with my microfibre cloth the day before even after i told her not to, i was pissed about that. i mean yea i am an older sibling i should share which i do but i don't like you enough. 

If you feel like you absolutely hate me and want to extract revenge from me and watch me in pain there are a lot of things you can do but the one which will give you the most pleasure is playing famous prophets (stars) and make sure you follow it by twin fantasy (those boys) to watch me get absolutely CRUSHED. 

honestly tho, twin fantasy (MtM is something that will probably never leave me. it's been a more than a month. today i woke up and i was like "i wanna to listen to bodys NOW". it's safe to say i like the entire album now. i like a lot of albums completely but this one's slightly different. will toledo the man you are. fuck. this guy texted me. no. i have lowkey decided mentally that i genuinely want to talk to only two guys in my entire college, both are my friends, like actually friends. one says very out of the box weird shit and is like an aunty, the other is kinda like a sibling who will be a hater. both are okay. even the other guys in my class are pretty ok. guys i don't wanna talk to are many. yesterday this girl asks me do i like this particular guy and i was like "????????" like do you not see my likes on videos of men kissing on insagram? i can send them to you personally if you want me to. no but like seriously i am dedicated to one and one man only who is jeasus christ (will toledo). i like will toledo so much i have his picture everywhere. he dosen't show up in my dreams tho. some people do though and that works too. today, that above mentioned guy asks me where i am and i was with the pissed girl in canteen so i tell him that, i realised i didn't tell him that i was with her and things got weird. i had to give him a cricket ball because i had one on my room and he plays cricket so yea. we could be nice friends though i absolutely love bulling the opposite sex. tody was a weird day but it's alright because i won't be repeating patterns. i believe i need to stay away from people who tend to influence me. also god knows what goes on min my head but in class i was like "would i attend college from 9 to 5 or get bet up with a rod in the same time duration" and i randomly blurted out out of nowhwhere "i want an asexual husband" which even made me like "what?". actually i was thinking about gojo back then, the anime character. i don't want to go to the movies tomorrow. i still haven't watched th eight episode of rick and morty. the girl who poined out my "skin disease" was giving me advice on how i should take an hour nap instead of sleeping by seven. she literally does lab and maybe one class like girl ok wow thanks. my shoulders are pretty terrible tbh (will toedo won't be impressed). i wish instead of watching whatever movie we are watching i could watch one of my favourite movies for the first time. i want to write more but i don't have much to say. also i have searched twin fantasy so much on twitter i got a related post on my feed lol.

Still we reuse the cels

 i might not wake up with a purpose everyday but i do wake up with a car seat headrest song in mind. today it's reuse the cels, yesterday it was fill in the blank, America (never been) before that. As much as i love will toledo and his band car seat headrest i find it really hard to believe he wrote "Living while starving", not just the song It's only sex (even though it's the one i listen to most) but the entire album. Today I will be reusing the cels. 

I'm happier. I think I haven't been better ever since this year started. It's not like good things didn't happen to me it's just that it brought me no pleasure. I try listening to other artists but Car Seat Hwadrest it is everyday. I actually wasn't doing early this month either but then i don't know how but yes i'm happy. The best thing for me is I'm able to sleep at night. I think for the first time in five years I slept actually in my room that too alone, it was the night before i was coming back. I'm met Bristol on ig 12th and then 13th was really nice as well. I watched Sonic 3 with my brother and then we went out together for idk what nut yea we had to buy stuff. We brought snacks and ate stuff, last time i did that was 23rd of January or either 2021 or 2022. I don't like being out on my own and I kinda feel weird having to be with my siblings nowadays because it's more like I can't protect them, they know way more karate than I'll ever know. Oh and i was searching the term "pansexual" on google because people kept calling the villian that. fake tumblr and twitter user. Oh and i spent 300 on a movie ticket with my friends, i'll go on saturday. I don't even watch movies like that plus i wanted to eat this certain shawarma since the last three months ahhhh i hate peer pressure. You best believe i do not like romance movies, it's just idk man kissing? sex?(sex reminds me of like three movies i watched where the husband and wife were shown to do that, it was important to the plot but you best believe i did NOT wanna watch that) i can write ten rom coms at the moment, WHERE IS THE YEARNING. I would rather watch the 20th anniversary re relaease of brokeback mountain.  the movie was nice, i just don't like cowboys. When i saw Jack Twist i was like bro we lowkey a bit similar. Oh and a guy from my class got inspired and made that call me by your name bracelet and now he wears it everyday. He's my friend, i told him "i know what you are", i don't. Actually I don't like the movie but it's a good movie and people take it the wrong way, i like it a way that it portrays things. I really thought it was a movie about a father and his son when watching it at fifteen. Most of the movies that ave gay couples in it has me assuming that istg, i'm sorry. still guilty i don't have water lilies in my letter boxd top 4 but man i love mysterious skin. I'm also saving up to buy new shoes next month or maybe the month after that. will toledo wants me to get a job. 

My so called friends are nice and so is my roommate, it's my general hate towards everything related to college that just doesn't let me be myself with them fully. They give a fuck, which I'm glad and grateful but then not that very necessary. I get so tired from college i sleep around seven pm everyday and wake up around one or two. I keep my room clean and i shower daily despite the weather being a bitch which does not allow me to dry my cloths. I also try to brush twice but i fall asleep every night. I'm studying but i need to be a bit more efficient. 

There's this feeling or more like a version of myself that I'm trying to hold on to. I'm doing all my classes even if my friends are skipping them. It's hard to understand because i didn't study ece or maths in the last year, we also have stuff from electrical. ugh. this semester is long so i believe to get some grip of it. I really want to score a full ten in this analog circuits course because my professor said it's the bread and butter of my course. My maths professor said our syllabus is super easy and um yea it isn't for me. Jake Gyllenhaal is to me this year what Ryan Gosling was to me last year. Talented fellas, both of them. Tyler just posted the fake tracklist for the album after all those leaks and well let's just say he is super funny. Oh and what could i hate more than WhatsApp? Instagram. hated facebook ever since i was a kid. Meta is not in my favour. I keep saying "i love you will toledo" in my head atleast once a day but then i was thinking if i would ever say that t him irl and do i even mean it and the answer is no. I do appreciate it tho. His current self would probably be like "hi" to me and probably call me slurs and stay away. I feel like his self say ten years ago could have been friends with me though, would still call me slurs tho. I don't know though. my acne is under control and i feel blessed. Drink enough water people even if it's raining and even if you have to piss the entire day. I had a pack of chips and like a lil bit of coke zero with black salt at like 5 because i was hungry, they give breakfast at 8 here and it's 6:28 am right now. I am trying to condition myself to "love" my subjects, i mean yes they seem cool but also hard, scary. I am doing well, I just have to try hard. I feel sad for both my friends tho. Bristol has her exams coming up and the weather is terrible but her professors are even worse. It's funny how i dont' know them but i hate them more than some people ik irl. I really don't think i can help her out much, invent extra time so that she can study and rest. Melbourne is just well yea, doing bad. I'm not even gonna elaborate. She said her boyfriend was gonna visit this month and i hope he does so that she feels better in some way. I really don't know how to help people but I'm trying to help myself so i can be of some use in the future atleast. Reuse the cels is such a beautiful song, William Barnes you really felt your emotions. I'm so glad Bristol likes Car seat headrest (and Sufjan) although i got to know both from her tbh. I don't know people who like the same artist so it's nice to talk to her, also flatsound. drink more water and sleep seven hours atleast and brush your teeth twice and eat well and shower daily and keep your room clean and study. things will be okay for everyone, i hope. I'll go do calculus, i love it lately. 

shinji × kaworou edit on olivia rodrigo's deja vu

 I really am not over them, ever. It's been years and I've been neoning  my genesis until I evangelion. Got a haircut like misato and I've been yearning to dye my hair like her even though she's far from my favourite character (asuka). I believe Will Toledo's favourite eva character is Asuka as well. Shinji is such a cry babay ig i like him less than his father, PenPen is sweet. Ramiel is my beautiful wife #gayforramiel she is such an angel, actually angels don't have genders ik but ramiel is my wife because husband title sounds a bit harsh for my beautiful ramiel, i can be their husband. Every time i see green and purple together something happens to me like a reverse boner. I really am obsessed. I used to like Rei but honestly not so much, back to Misato, yes! she is hot but i think i wanna look like her kinda because she cool. everyday i be hittin that shinji chair pose atleast thrice. Lately i feel like everyone i know is disappointed in me in some way or the other and honestly i feel so delusional i remember that clapping scene at the end. I really need to watch shit oh my god. I would write about kaworou but i believe it won't be appropriate because i am not a teen anymore but a 20 year woman but i liked them all when i was younger than them, same reason why dipper is no longer my favourite but rather bill because dipper is 12. Anyway here is my outfit rating for Katseye's gabriella dance performance. Manon wasn't present but she my fav.

1. Yoonchae, i just loveddddd the frills and the color and the design, the frillls omgg

2. Lara, again amazing, i would probably never wear that but she is eating it up gorgeous outfit

3. Dani, again she just turned 21, the outfit is super cunty ike her but ig it's slightly inappropriate i believe so but omg that dance break was EVERYTHING she really is serving

4. Megan, not a huge fan of the flower but super cute and goes well with the color, she too ate with that dance part omg 

5. Sophie, i didn't like her dress very much even though it was the most modest one? ig the colors didn't go well for me but the design ate uppp

RAIN DROPS ON LEAVES!!!

 I've been up since like the last three days. Not like totally awake though like i slept for ig 3 hours day before in the afternoon and yesterday again. I have this sense of comfort in sleeping when the sun is out. Yesterday was nice. Mom wasn't pissed because i cleaned the entire house before everyone woke up (i had to do SOMETHING lowkey bored) and um dad assumed that i js took a nap and that my sleep schedule is fixed. Like Will Toledo says, not the truth but something that sounds like it. Also i was very self-conscious and did not listen to Twin Fantasy (MtM obviously) first thing but rather Sufjan Stevens. When i did sleep in the afternoon flatsound was playing and i didn't realise. Went out today, with my dad. I didn't wanna but he went out with me when i wanted to get my glasses. Most shops were closed. I don't like it when people stare at me on the street, never did. Bodys and Cute Thing are my least heard songs, especially Cute thing because well let's say i'm not horny and a furry but today i was listening to it, not because of those reasons but i just thing it's a fun song. Even listening to it right now. 

"When you marry", "when you have in-laws", "when you have kids", well GLAD! because today i finished watching We need to talk about Kevin and the next time she mentions any of these phrases i will be watching that movie with her. Although honestly what i should watch is probably Everything Everywhere All at Once. We'll see. I mean i am a bit concerned about a few scenes especially the one where Ezra Miller continues jerking while making eye contact with his mom when she accidently entered, and a few other scenes but hey! I'm 20, not even like 18, pretty legal for me to watch i'd say. 

Also ironed my siblings' uniform this morning and oh my god my back was contemplating suicide so i listened to the entire album titled "My back is killing me baby". I don't even know where the time is going by. I was contemplating if I'm good at redirecting conversations or if people are aware but let it slide anyway. When i was out with my dad he brought up my grades so I started telling him how I hate the shop we were gonna go to, too bad for me because when i returned mom made me pull up my result because I had just told my score. 

Continuing my saga as a terrible friend, so i was on a meet with this girl who lived next to me, we are kinda friends, i don't text anyone so yea we decided to catch up on meet. I had forgotten her birthday oh my god, she asked me to wish on 20th october and ig this gave me deja vu which means i had forgotten it last year as well. You see my memory is weak ahhhh. So she was showing me pictures and yea it was all cool, next it was my turn, well to bad I only have Will Toledo and other things that I'm not very willing to show. She plays basketball as well and is good at it. Then we were watching videos but i was on my phone (the reflection in my glasses fuck) and she did ask if i wanna watch something else but i was like it's alright. We were supposed to talk today but i din't feel like it tbh. Mind you this was just one friend. I have atleast wait let me count yes atlest 5 people with whom i had some activity planned with but never showed up or lied or ignored ahhh. Can Will Toledo stop yelling "i am love" in my ears. Then we have texting back people or texting people first asking how they are. Also I'll never be a true letterboxd user ever because how tf do people have 150+ movies in just three months, i really wanna know what jobs these people have or are they just depressed, I mean i used to watch six to seven movies a day and i was not having fun. Also, I keep seeing people saying how simple things were when they were younger and how they miss it and want to go back. I don't really have any aspect I'd like to go back to particularly, but I do miss how every emotion wasn't complicated. There were weird emotions definitely but lately feeling things without getting too deep into it is hard also what's up with people's behaviors it feels so unpredictable. I wish i could sleep at a reasonable hour. I love Will Toledo because he does write about some of my issues, I wish he had a song on gut/gut health as well. Got these bananas today and omg never had that great of a banana in the past few years. Last year dad brought this pineapple, and I would definitely get a boner if i was capable of that but yea some fruits are just amazing, although i started liking pears less even though i loved them as a kid, had so many. Dad asked if i wanted to buy coconut today and i was wondering where my love for it went then remembered. Do people really outgrow things or do they get better at not letting it affect that much. Nobody is really okay, i need to talk to less people and i need to stop acting to being nice or anything really. Let's see how that works okay. I'm doing really good since the past three days than i ever did in the last two months only issue is that i wanna eat rn and my sibling at all the snacks. Mom really be saying things she shouldn't except she isn't aware as always. My sister tries to copy me which is well normal but then yea I hope she doesn't do it too much. Trying to keep an eye on both of them. Oh, and when we were walking, I tried to click a picture of the sky and dad stopped and said i could take my time. I liked that. I like it when my parents are actually nice and not pretending to be. I don't want to go back to college and I don't want to go back to my roommate and I don't want to have any new roommate next year, god it is very scary but also kinda exciting that i am actually thinking about the future lately. It's almost 5am, I have likes piles of cloths to iron oh my god, will get to cleaning then study. Mom is aware that I don't like being at home and that I want to leave. I love raindrops on leaves really made me happy today. I don't like the rainy weather tho. Why can my skin not be nice for once god i hate acne. It's been raining all night even now pretty heavily. I like the color, it's this low saturated dark teal which appears slightly green. I want to eat noodles. Dad said we'll go out today as well. I like going out with my parents, or even just a single parent. There definitely is some tension but i enjoy it, the company. 

IT IS JULY EIGHT ALREADY? THIS GUY TEXTED ME ASKING IF I WANNA PLAY MINECRAFT WITH HIM AS HE RETURNS TO HIS HOSTEL TODAY AND I WAS LIKE WHY SO EARLY FUCK MY CLASSES OFICIALLY START FROM TOMORROW EVEN THOUGH I WILL BE GOING A WEEK LATER MAN I AM SO SO SO TERRIFIED I HAVE A LOT OF SHIT LEFT TO GET DONE, WILL BRUSH UP ON ECE FROM SEM 2 HAD ENOUGH OF A VACATION LITERALLY WASTED AROUND 40 DAYS WHAT A PRIVELEDGE WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN THO.

taking my words back today not a good day cause just saw a video on Duolingo's downfall. I have 1800+ streak, that's five years AND MORE oh my god i hate it when people come for my relationships like leave me and my green bird alone. 

not ruined again oh em gee my dad brought a newspaper, he said he was sorry yesterday because he couldn't find one yesterday but today he brought one and it's raining rn as well man js 7:15 ffff

Mannn, oki so I was watching Rick and Moty in the balcony while folding laundry (without earphones) and dad walks in and says, "you too watch these?" And I was lowkey mortified like um dad um yes do you know about this cartoon?????? Hahahahah. I like watching adult cartoons a lot tbh, cartoons in general. Like kids one are obviously nice but like with adult ones you get depression as well. And also um he asks if I was up all night which I deny and he goes "it's okay" like y'all is my dad on sertraline or whattttt

Oh my god I love rick and morty. Ik Justin was a creep even though we share the same birthday and he shares the same birthyear as my mom but like I literally look forward to this show every year. I hope it keeps on continuing until I die, please please please let me have this.

What is my mom on she tells me how i'm gonna get nowhere then tells me when i get a job she'll buy a car and an apartment. she kept saying "decent salary" and i was like what amount do you think that is and she goes atleast 2 lakhs and i was like "as a beginner?" she goes yea why like i thought i will be earning to support my siblings education but yea and yea she did bring up marriage again oh my god but it was in respect to redecorating this apartment and not having kids so i did not bring up the movie. I never thought i would say this as a kid but i need to have less friends i can't keep talking to everyone all day especially people i don't like (like the girl who was stroking tigger). I honestly just want an apartment which has one room an living room not too big and a washroom and a kitchen and a baclony, i would say that's decent to wish for, and i would like to paint it in my favorite colors and cover the walls how i like i hate this fuckass yellow room. Was watching Brokeback Mountain, gay cowboys or sum shit, i get it why they liked it on tumblr.

Never going on reddit i again, i mean i am mostly active there lately because of hints for the new twenty one pilots album but i came across this trending post where a girl is missing who has the same name as me and we are the same age and kinda look alike except she's not from my state oh gee, also told my mom how heroin is done, thanks to the movie requiem for a dream i am a heroin expert, tad bit concerned she was.