IT IS COMPLETLY OKAY AND TOTALLY NORMAL TO HAVE PARASOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS !!!!

 Last night i texted Will Toledo on reddit. Saw a notification and um it was my friend who replied back. Also, i might be a chicken in disguise the way i keep getting cooked. My mom just comes over and hands me a book which is like 900 and apparently someone forgot to change the phone number for my home delivery address. She didn/t even ask for an explanation. Mind you I don't think I've ever gotten a book more than 300 ig 400 yea. Anyway, will explain to her later today. Also is it just my neighbourhood or do they keep digging shit near your house as well. OH and i have soemthing to talk about. AI ASMR VIDEOS. What?????? AI is such a huge part of my life it's scary. i mean i don't like use it for my tasks but i do talk to it a lot. Like a lot. And sometimes it's so scary giving information to a machine. Also tf is wrong with the kids in my family. I was up last night and i'm glad i was cause my brother woke up "I'm coming mom" and rushed to the door. generally we all sleep in on room but sometimes it's all 3 of us in one room. Anyway i tried directing him back to bed but then bro opened the wardrobe and tried to get inside. Also it's really hard to sleep with both of them because they aren't kids anymore. So it's like very conjusted. But like yea i'm kinda concerned what happens to them when i'm away. even my sister had a similar case a few days ago. I mean it's not that concerning and given me and my sister have it as well it's probably a genetic thing. Oh and i am tired of trends like what is the trend of wedding lineup with renengade in the background. Most of my online entertainment is dry might as well actually study. like twitter is a whole different story atp. Kinda worried for a few people but i can't do anything about it. reddit and yt nothing much and then pinterest is just will toledo pictures that i have already saved. 

I'm back. I really have a lot to right but i forgot most of it and the rest is pointless. Need a tshirt that says "MILF" on the front and "man i love flatsound" at the back. One of these days i might ditch wearing normal cloths and go full Alex Hirsch except instead of Flannel shirts it's the "i <3 ____" tshirts. maybe not i heart organic chemistry anymore but there definitely other things i like. People who crochet are so fucking cool, coming from someone who forgot to crochet. Last night i was thinking, a lot of sensible things. No, like genuinely. Ahain forgot what i was about to write next. Anyway i made plans of buying a weasel?? let me search wait. no that's an animal. EASEL. OH MY GOD I WAS SO CLOSE FUCK YOU ENGLISH LANGUAGE. Anyway, so yea, buy that, a huge canvas and paint. I have abonded acrylics and i will not be explaining because it's too long. i was thinking of oil paint but i'm not skilled enough so i'll go with gouache. Also, a canvas, a very big one, which has a thickness. and i'll paint. soemthing in blue. and while i was thinking this it just hit me this is exactly what the mc does in the movie "colorful 2010". lol. love that film. listening to beach fagz rn and honestly, i don't think will needs to be a kid with an adult boyfriend. dragging the comb is good enough, not that i'd know. I need to stop listening to music my ears and even throat hurt. maybe dehydration. i was listening to other song by him and honestly you feel an emotion and you're like hmm am i the only one and bam! just like that william barnes has a song on it. I might not like his recent works but that's alright and honestly i'm happy because his older songs don't come from a very good headspace and it's nice he used making music as one of the forms of idk escape, chaneeling whatever. People in my class should stfu with giving me result jumpscares. i don't reply to texts from anyone from college after 11 and this girls texts me at 1 the exams might come today. well i don't give a flying fuck too bad. although i don't want to get a back yk cause i won't study for that. these days i feel so unentertained i might just study. today i was walking in the house with my mug in one hand. occasionally making black coffee and then drinking it. now that i think about it i had like six cups but good for me i have a very high caffiene tolerance. I even wrote a word document apologizing to black coffee how i once said i hated it and would never drink it which was wrong because it was my fault for overusing and abusing it. ingrediant household got me eating things raw so i belive black coffee is the best thing to come out of it. 

I know i portray my parents in a bad light here but they are nice. ,y dad woke me up at 6 :21 today with radioactive by imagine dragons playing on alexa. i went to sleep at 5. never sleep next to my brother dude keeps kicking me. he's nice. my mom is too. even my roommate. she called me cause she was buying stuff and brought a keychain for me. i gave her one as well for her birthday. matching keychains. let's not go on that topic now. today i feel very calm and full of love. my eyes feel very strained though. might as well start making music myself because 21 pilots aren't gonna release anything after their new album's tour is over. i don't think sufjan is gonna post either. flatsound is gone, i check on him daily with no hope. csh released their new album this year which i don't like very much. again forgot what i was gonna write, stupid baka brain. Melbourne is a good person. I like talking to her at times, she's a nice teacher. again forgot what i was gonna write next. might as well just go. bye bye blog. pray they extend college till 21 i got an headache just thinking about. the intro of this song sounds like weird fishes/ arpeggi or whatver it was spelled. i miss this person on duolingo. we were gonna have a one year friends streak, they just disappeared. i dont know him but i believe he is from the same state as me. this fucking pen keeps falling down. i love you beach death, the entire album. i love all of his early works. why are these gay white men so freaky though. gonna watch edge of seventeen today, alone. that's the way i like it. feeling very seventeen, more like barely two months into seventeen. april 2022. i was listening to a lot of bring me a horizon then, especially the album "that's the spirit" i even hate the cover in my room. kust looked at it. i was listening to redecorate last night and it felt like august of 2021 again. in the bus. duoing duolingo whle my dad is sitting somewhere else. i don't miss anything. probably because i forget most things. i feel bad that both A and melbourne have an eating disorder because i am very good at recognizing patters and honestly they are only getting worse. i wish i could o something or help them but in reality i can only text them back. contrary to popular assumptions and beliefs i fucking hate Charie, especially the one in the book, logan is a cute guy. i do agree with saying though and how much pain is around him. i want to talk about the people on twitter. lately i've been thinking a lot about all the friends i had online. i can only hope. tell myself they're alive and okay, if not, i can't do much about it. should get into buddhism for the billionth time again. i hope it is okay to have parasocial relationships. too bad i can't get over all the pieces of media i've consumed throughout the years. how to engage with media without it consuming it. i forgot what i was supposed to write next. i wish i could remeber. i hate whatsapp and i hate visitors. purple and green remind me of evangelion and istg i stwitch whenever i see that color combo. shinji was probably my least favourite. i was sitting and looking at the sky on the balcony bar it was so pretty, around 6pm. i see the same sky at 4:30 am but i liked this one more. dad comes and locks the grill saying imight fall of and HIDES THE KEYS like i'm glad he cares so much but i can and will take care of myself, no way i've falling of the third floor dad. this pen keeps falling. i like my haircut but i wanted something diffrent. i try not to find comfort in old things and habits and everything but that's where i end up. i was thinking last night how my friends aren't really the peple i met, given i had mt them all by primary school even if we became friends later in life. it's okay to grow and change. become a completly different person. on bristol's birthday i asked melbourne what all does bristol likes and she said all the things bristol like....d from early 2021. maybe bristol still likes them, i do't know but it really made me feel like how much we don't know about people around us and how we never will because they are constantly changing. i was thinking about this sometime ago and i thought it was funny:

me earlier last night: i love you tyler joseph and josh dun

me later that night: i love you sufjan stevens

me today evening: i love you will toledo

me later that evening" i love you mitchel welling

yea, too much love syndrome. Just saw my guitar and it had collected excessive dust. i really was blessed by not having a diust allergy. livng would be hell. they should invent a me who WEARS HER INVISALINE!!!! kids are sweet but not very much, mostly annoying. there's a neighbour's kid looking at my laptop rn, dude thinks i am working. lol no. if acne was a person i would send them hate mails EVERYDAY becausse i'm the biggest hater i know. need to create media instead of consuming it. i feel like noface from spirited away. i really want to beat the shit out of my tigger plushie cause wtf he smiling at and for but i won't because i love him very much and i sleep with him everynight (not eeyore, ik tragic) in my hostel. whenever i look at him i can't get over the mental image of one of my friends? LITERALLY JERKING HIS TAIL i have several videos because it fucking pisses me of when somebody touches my plushies. i don't like people onough to let them touch the shit i love let alone JERK THEM like i had this not exactly anfer but like upset but also laughing like girl are you aware of what you are doing. she is my second least favourite person in college, the first is my roomate's friend. fuck both of them, metaphorically only. did i write here about how that firl literally cornered me and piinned me and when i asked her to stop doing that she didn't? well isay a lot of stuff for shit and figgles and you best believe it is for shit and giggles, all of it. i am not a good friend to most but do i care enough? no tbh, as long as they're alive and doing ok. for someone who dosen't study i think very very much. i was also thinking about lain and how much she has influenced my life, will never forget that anime. i love you William Barnes. i still think he is weirder than me but that's okay. too bad i'm not a furry, yet. oh and i was on imageboards last night and incels with fod complexes are the funniest thing ever, like stfu. incels are dangerous tho, was gonna go the femcel imageboards as well but i forgot and tbh they js be hating on men. did you know that in the current song i'm listening will toledo can't finish, will you help him finish? too bad i won't, only finishing this song. kid came again to check on me, lol he sweet, prolly 5, just confirmed. and he asks and i said i'm 20 and without missing a breath dude goes " are you married?"gtfo dude what does it look like. my mom was showing me a video earlier today of my cousin who had a daughter three days ago, mind you that cousin is only a year older tha me. my mom will bring up marriage everyday and it pisses me off so much. fuck you i am never having a husband or a child or a mother in law. like i get where my mom comes from cause she got married by 22 or like 23 and i'll be finishing my degree by then but yea. it genuinely pisses me off when my mom brings it up and she also brings it up with the cousin. i don't like how she objectifies me as a child producing machine. i honestly feel bad for her though cause she's probably self projecting. again i wish i could help her r do something about it but i can't help anyone but myself and lately i'm trying to accept it more and be more okay with it. today is the last day of june and i don't want to let it go. i wish i didn't have to go to july, just living 30th of june for the rest of my life. i feel okay, 21:07, but i feel okay. i don't want to go to july and i don't want ot go to college. I don't like my desk very much because my sister fucking ruined it but that's okay cause it's her now so i should't care, enough. kid came again tf he wants. i should go now. will drink more black coffee. 

 I start to find comfort
In patterns we go through

goodbye blog, a new month is waiting for me, hello July! 

college lowkey pisses me off

Okay so i don't write much about college on here even if i do it's probably some dude i hate. I try not to give them much importance. what i am pissed about is, okay so college opens on 9th and um it was extended till14th (WHICH ME AND A FRIEND ASKED) and now this other girl from another dept texts me her mass bunk is till 21. I WISH. MAN. I kinda don't wanna go. honestly if we do mass bunks it won't be an issue because this semester is long. ALSO it's gonna be fucking hard because i have 5 labs, which is like daily. I did have an ece lab last sem but i rarely paid attention cause it was at 9 fucking am. Also combined with the fact that i never did theory class so i never had an fucking clue. ALSO i will have to study FROM BOOKS if i wanna pass. like this shit is HARD, and yes, HARDER than me if you're wondering. WHIVH REMINDS ME OF Michael Reeves uploaded a short i saw. Omg, he is literally such an icon for me like how are you so skilled like i wanna be like you. He is so cool. I really wanna build stuff but idk man i just listen to music all day. 

Also, i watched two movies last night. The first one was with a classmate. She's nice and i genuinely like her mostly because she's the only one in my entire fucking college who knows stuff what i do. If i'm being honest, she's like a less cooler version of my friend A. A is at an internship btw and somehow her bestfriends birthday is the same as Bristol's lol. Anyway, so the movie we watched was LGBTQ which i wasn't quite aware of. I mean it was a movie that i would prefer watching alone because well it was something i hold close but yea she wasn't like too wrong to watch it with cause she gets it, i guess. Also the fact that i did figure out the entire movie in the first few scenes and it lowkey went exactly as i planned. Really loved it. I don't rewatch stuff but i would rewatch this. A lot of people on letterboxd wrote they won't rewatch this but honestly this movie kinda gives me comfort and honstly it reminded me of 2013. I really wanna meet those kids again. I hope they're alright wherever they are. I really won't forget that day when instead of playing we formed a circle and i asked them and then they all confirmed. I was one of the youngest. There were these sibings and um there was this guy who was either a year older but i think he was a year younger than me . I think he was younger yes. I think wwe all held hands and started hating stickers from that day onwards lol, atleast i did. I really wanna meet them even though i don't remember them or anything much about them. I could ask my parents but i won't. I really did like the movie. There's another movie which i like and that was also released in 2004. They really did make movies for me before my birth lol. I actally felt really nice after watching the movie, even tho i was really tired cause i was out all day . I might just watch it again this year. Alone this time.  

The second movie was Aftersun. So i haven't mentioned a lot of people from college and i don't intend to either because i don't like them enough to give them that importance. But, there's this guy who's my friend and he is a year older than me. So like he'll be a 3rd year student. Honestly i do have other guy friends in college including him and i don't like talking to them. I like the guys in my class though. I talk to like quite many of them and they're all very nice. I even introduced one guy to my parents when they visited me. He's okay but didn't save me when that fuck ass dg was chasing me so negative aura points for that. Okay so this friend well i don't like him probably because the major reason being he'll be like " ph yea flatsound i know him yea oh and i had a lil peep phase yes" like stop. The reason I'm actually writing this post is because he's at the gym rn and texts me something about liking 21 pilots like sybau don't pmo. Oh and yes he listens to Sufjan as well because well i like Sufjan Stevens. Mind you he does not like these artists the way i do. Also other music related rant. Also he kinda does get my humor but then i don't like that for idk why. I mean okay i hope he NEVER reads this but like i do not fw him heavy for a lot of reasons that aren't honestly reasonable. Just because i don't feel like. Same goes with my other guy friends online, especially our shared interests aahh. Oh and this guy btw is friends with a classmate of mine from school like kill me atp. So, anyway, i did go to sleep after the first movie. but then he was free and so we decided to watch a movie at 2am. He was streaming it and it kept lagging for me plus it didn't have captions so it was a bit hard to understand at certain parts. I did try watch it parallely from anothr browser but that stopped working after an hour. then i started watching his stream again. Honestly the movie was a dad and his daughter being on a vacation and the dad being depressed and shit but like not showing it to his daughter is what i got from the movie. I might be completly wrong but like listen if it was me, i would rather be depressed on a vacation to Turkey yk like the dad ahhh that was a joke don't come for me if you love the movie. I'm just a silly letterboxd user. I mean he is a nice guy and i do consider him a friend no harsh feelings but like you don't have to pretend to like the things i do like it'svery natural to be human and have your own opinions about the same thing even if they are comppletly the opposite. Just like every other friendship in college this one feels superficial as well, more because he says he likes the same thing as me but like ik he dosen't.

Before moving on i have self diagnosed my self as Lactose intolerant. that shit sucks considering dairy and sugar are ike a huge part of my diet. i want mommy i want milk. sorry. but like cheese always made me feel uneasy which is why pizza is my least favourite fast food. Two slices are more than enough for me. I like eating pizza with my brother though it's one of his favourite foods. I really hope i'm never allergic to penuts. I fucking love penuts. I LOVE crunchy peanut butter especially this one brand that comes with a blue label. I;ve been convincing my mom to buy one as it's very healthy which it is btw. Its like 179 ruppees for like 750 grams. like come on, buy it mom i won't eat that in one day i promise. I honestly love penut butter so much. i think i have some sort of built in dislike for people who critize penut butter like stfu you don't say bad things about stuff that i love. Oh and also my mom is using me </3. So my dad knows i love pineapples. he brought one on 26 and i haven't ate it yet. mom makes me do work with the freed of chopping that pineapple but never really does :/ i love you pineapple. ah i really do classify as wgore when it comes to liking fruits cause like ok i like pineapples, coconuts(not very much tbh at the moment), ice apples, bananas. also hoew different my relationship history is with each fruit. then we have the "is it love?" fruits which includes watermelon and pears. ahhhh. then we also have the lust category where i be wanting to eat fruits i probably won't like notably avocado and drago druit. Then we have premium lust wgich goes to strawberries, blueberries and cherries. then we have lust++ going to raspberries. then we have the people category where my feeling for these fruits is simlilar to how i feel towards most people, grapes not that much but mango a lot. then we have the mortal enemy category where i fucking hate the fruit, yes, apple it is. I fucking hate apples, fuck you spples. then we have the lost love category which includes shit iomn fw anymore, including orages and chikoos or whatever the spelling is, haven't had that in years. i would say i am a very normal and causal enjoyer of lychees. can't remember other fruits, take me back to kindergarden.  While we're at it, i would also like to mention my relationship with eggs, it's such and weird relationship, ever since childhood tbh. extreme love or extreme hate, no inbetween. rn, i would eat an omlette. but like deep inside i love eggs but i'm also disgusted by it sometimes, blame it on sulfuric acid, and yes ik chemistry fuk off.

SO, i slept around 4:40??? and my friend s calls at 10:50 somerhing. Nothing wakes me up except phone calls, that's because of my ringtone, it's from a movie i love. Anyway at first i was like why would you call me cause i hate waking up from sleep but man she is SUCH AN ANGEL because 10 mins later my dad return from work and thanks to her i was up. Love you queen. so yea, i will be going to meet her and probably Bristol as well. Also, newsflash, i will be wearing glasses. As a kid i was obsessed but like i realised in hs thay it isn't fun. I just though people with glasses look so cool, AND THEY DO. I kinda want those glasses like will Toledo, yes i am obsessed i am sorry beat me up or something, like my fucking Pinterest is just him. S actually wanted to meet yesterday but i was out obviously and she asked where and i told her and she actually gave a really good rec for glasses. Which did remotely sounds similar to what Bristol has but anyway. Oh and about yesterday, we ate at kfc, i have a lot of childhood memeories of eating at that place i hope it never shutss down. Anyway, i was a bit tired and i just wanted to have a nice meal with my family. I see a guy, from my college, a friend of a friend, his girlfriend sits beside me during exams. he just walks in. we obviously didn;t talk but it really pisses me off when i see people from college outside college. yes it is petty but i can't help it. Just realsied my eyes are better now, they gave me this blinding eyedrops at the hospital istg. I LOVE YOU FRUITS, EXCEPT APPLE. FUCK YOU APPLE. gonna go cinvice my mom for the billionth time to chop them pineapples. I do not like today's lunch. I don't like most day's lunch. Healthy food does pmo. I also have regained my love, rather a new found love for rice this vacatioj. I also had a weird relationship with rice but mostly hated it but i like it now. Also no one could make me hate ghee. MOM PLEASE CUT THE PINEAPPLES FOR ME.

i'm back in like tens cause i also wanted to write about yes you guessed it Tyler Joseph. the man. i was watch his basketball clips. i really do love him, like in yk like an inspiration? ik i don't mention josh but that's because idk much about him. I CAN HEAR MY MOM CHOPPING THE PINEAPPLE YAY. also, i started absolutely loving pineapples last summer. dad brought whenever i helped him out. not very fond of Bristol's dad. One of the cons of having a sibling who likes the same stuff as you is sharing. I did NOT want to share that pineapple you best believe. I was nice though. I love you pineapples. I kinda yearn when me and my brother were so insane about pokemon and that made me so happy but now he like One Piece which my friend a aslo likes. ah i wish we could get back what we had, i miss having someone to talk to about pokemons and arguing with them. also I showed him the new Twenty One pilots mv and eh he wasn't that invested. Maybe one of these days my siblings will dance together like we used to on all our favourite songs, i honestly don't remember most of them but i guess we'll try. Gonna go listen to house of gold with him. he's a nice kid when he is himself. i think same for most people. maybe why i don't like college so much. I mean i don't write here much when i'm there which is good cause this is just for pointless rant but then i don't like genuinely like the things i do or the person i am. i don't know man, more three years. lowkey feels like charlie when he enters highschool except i didn't makr friendships like him. ah, will go shower bai, wanted to buy this bun for both my friends but the shop is closed MANNNN WHY fuck you sunday, just like tyler joseph said, don't remeber the lyric but ik he had beef with sundays. i like will toledo cause he got beef with the sun. need to listen to more sufjan stevens becaus ecar seat headrest id sefinitely in my top five this year. troye sivan bye bye we got will toledo now. and he's cuter. and older. not a reference to beach fagz.

I want Mitski to baptize me

 Dear Friend,

There are almost twenty-one days left for college to open. Nothing hasn't changed much but I don't feel as terrible now. I will eventually leave home and go meet people in July, I'm sure. A lot of things are going on. I need to study. I need to be serious. There is a fucking cockroach on my switchboard rn. I hope everyone I care about eventually starts to feel better. That fuckass cockroach was on my laptop so I threw it. Someone please hold me back from liking bright pink hair a little too much, I am so emo I was born with black hair. Today I will eat one of my favorite ice creams, probably. Everything will be alright. Yes. I know. Won't be back here until I finally study everything that i am supposed to. Take care.

FUCK MY STUPID BAKA LIFE ALL I DO IS LOOK AT PICTURES OF WILL TOLEDO ON MY PINTEREST AND LISTEN TO HIS GAYASS SONGS ON SOUNDCLOUD AND A FEW ON SPOTIFY AHA HAHA AHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. NO WILL TOLEDO FROM TOMORROW AND NO MITCHEL WELLING EITHER. ONLY SUFJAN STEVENS BECAUSE HE IS AN ANGEEELLL. I AGAIN HAVE A LOT TO SAY BUT I WILL SHUT THE FUCK UP. BYE. WON'T BE FUCKING BACK FOR A REALLY LONG TIME. 

BACK AGAIN, IT'S LITERALLY 00:00 SO 24TH OF JUNE I WAS SLEEPING BUT I FUCKING CAME BACK TO WRITE THAT I SAW A CLIP OF JOSH DUN SINGING STRESSED OUT AND EARLIER TODAY I SAW A CLIP OF TYLER SAYING HE HATED HIS VOICE FROM CONSTANTLY SINGING AND LOVED JOSH'S VOICE AND I THOUGHT IT WAS SO SWEET BUT LIKE I HEARD JOSH AND HE SOUNDS LIKE AN ANGEL LIKE SING ME TO SLEEP PAPA, ALSO IF YOU KNOW ME YOU KNOW THAT I LIKE TYLER A LOT MORE BUT LIKE JOSH?!?!?! YOU'RE SO SWEET, LOVE HIS WIFE DEBBIE AS WELL, SUCH AN ICON, READ THIS THEORY ON REDDIT SAYING THAT THE LAST SONG ON THEIR LATEST ALBUM BREACH WILL BW SUNG BY JOSH AND MAN I HOPE IT IS. I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE TWENTY ONE PILOTS WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT THEM, OR LIL PEEP OR FLATSOUND. LIKE LOVE THEM SO SO SO MUCH, I WANNA LISTEN TO BREACH RN BUT IT COMES OUT IN SEPTEMBER MAN, GOTTA SAVE MONEY TO VISIT THEIR CONCERT AAHAHAHAHAH, OKI BAI IF MY DAD SEES ME HE WILL GET ANGRY LOL TAKE CARE.

Although, please believe that things are good with me, and even when they're not, they will soon be enough. And I will always believe the same about you.

Love always, Charlie.

repeat the cycle

 woke up with my dad yelling again lol. mom was yelling at my brother. erotic asphyxiation reference in sober to death. one of the most embarrassing ways to die. I used to watch gore as i told you and um one of the most not so gruesome videos would be death by this. it was basically clips where the police or family members found the people naked in front of a mirror with their necks or somewhat tied. i mean better than cartel videos and suicide bombers, ig. i am indulging completely watching perks of being a wallflower and honestly like i say i was in 2 relationships but the first one was like weird and then he kinda asked me to send like "nice" or whatever pictures which traslates to nudes or something like that and i was obviously like "what?" but yea the second relationship was lowkey what charlie had with mary elizabeth, very light version though because i am in india. like legit the dude would text me all day and then would go on to say we don't talk, also the music part, i relate with charlie. did i tell you how we broke up? incase i didn't i did try ethically breaking up with him in the end of march but him being him never listened so i lied to him in early or like mid april how my mom found out about us and that she's gonna marry me off and basically i was projecting shit. DESPITE THAT he was like no i like you nooo but like honestly i want to know like what exactly did he like abbout me or was he just like aah this is the only girl that talks t me. no like i did ask him yk and he would idk say random shit. anyway, coming back, Charlie writes he hasn't seen his friends in two weeks and it's getting bad again and honestly is getting bad or rather has gotten bad for me too and i won't be seeing my friends as well for atleast two weeks. Also reading a little life and like wow everything i am doing lately is lowkey to trigger me, also twin fantasy album is gonna destroy me i swear. also i think bristol is angry/upset/diappointed/ negative emotion towards me because she used a new tag on her blog and i asked what it was and she said:

like what why did i do something i am sorry. really in the self destructive arc. my mom probably sensed that i am cutting again or will start to because even at home i barely contact them. i really want to fucking die man like honestly. i mean i do see him irl from time to time but like that day was just well just scary. gonna make myself an omlette and finish the movie. then do trigonometry. 

did, made a double egg omlette used to love it ig a decade ago or so. i came back to ask that does "nothing" kiss charlie in the book as well? i don't remember very well tbh.

my chest pain and breating issue has gotten worse. i've had it for a really long time but lately my chest beats really fast randomly. i had it during exams as well and thought it was the excessive caffine consumption nut i barely consume any form of caffine now and can barely breathe. also i might gave to go out to get glasses. tild my mom if we could get a home checkup and she said let's bring your professors here as well, at home. valid. oh and i was crying last night as well, same issue. its nice to cry honestly, don't do that often. will go trig, bye.

so done with twin fantasy, i like mirror to mirror more because it feels raw and i don't want to mature. listening to their new album scholars, they even reference to beach life in death being 12 mins long in one song. i have a feeling bristol likes face to face more. i asked her but she was gatekeeping. can't listen to the song without galvanism tbh. from this album i like the song Gethsemane, didn't pay attention to the others. need to study instead of writing here 24/7. too much food makes me drowsy. 

okay, no more cutting because these blades wont really work, they're a bit weird. i am not leaving either so it's just me and studying in these two weeks ig. i'll keep writing though.

she is really nice but what can i tell her to make it believable. Also what exactly is going on with the meaning stuff. i did turn on my phone, wouldn't do that to respond to anyone else though. also, apprently that blade works but like if your skin is thin which is for my arms. my thigs are fucking fat. i have decided to order online so let me check if i can. I can't and won't. brb.  

hahahahahhaah bristol knows about this blog because I TOLD HER and i forgot about it, completly. yes. she read something. i'll change the name. Okay, changed it. She won't be able to find this anymore. sorry.

Twin fantasy is such a doomed album because I tried listening to other stuff but I simply couldn't. I love mirror to mirror version like I've said this but yea. Love the album. 

Can't wait for Spotify wrapped. Also I had a wish that came true, won't tell what it was though. Nervous Young Inhumans doesn't feel the same without galvanism yk. My mom heard me saying that throughout the day like a robot and honestly I guess dhe does NOT like galvanism. Although yes um Will did change (for the better?) in between the publishing and republishing of twin fantasy. I mean they have other nice songs too, I mean it's only sex is my favourite by them but like it's not quite like this album. I try listening to teens of denial. Oh and um I was reading stuff on Flatsound's blog and honestly I guess something has happened cause he planned on releasing new music and merch last year and hasn't been active anywhere since. Kinda worried. I hope he and Billie didn't breakup. I would listen to hus podcasts but like honestly I stsy true to Stephanie soo.

We have visitors 💔 mom and siblings aren't at home just dad. I do not like middle aged people for no apparent reason, it's just that they're too adult. Aahahahahahahah, also I was supposed to go make dinner for me and dad but can't go out anymore 💔. Middle aged people stay away from our apartment, amen. 

Okay. Storytime. Today is 14th June and I'm like yea two weeks left for Bristol's birthday. NO WRONG! It's my cousin sister's birthday. Bristol knows her though lol. Should I wish now it's 9pm. Also, mom added me to the family GC. Why mom. Why. 

Texted her and tried calling twice but she didn't pick up. I kinda don't like birthdays in general. Like I get it you exist and I exist as well like what's there to celebrate. Istg birthdays are more depressing for people. Not me this though. Even last year I was okay, I did cry but happy cry. I probably wrote that as well. I HAVE TO COOK DINNER CAN THE VISITORS GO ALREADY. Beach life in Death is my new way of time measurement. Are my twin fanatsy texts getting annoying? I am so sorry I am just obsessed. Like I remember a few albums that made me this obsessed. Two that I recall right now are Vessel by twenty one pilots and That's the spirit by Bring me The Horizon and whatever music was out there of lil peep back in 2020 2021 2022 even early 2023 tbh. He's lowkey nice to listen to for early morning walks when I'm sleep deprived, yes white boy go snort that line of cocaine, too bad he's dead though. 

Last edit for today but like genuinely DAD I AM NOT 10 YEARS OR 12 YEARS PLEASE DO NOT GIVE ME A BEDTIME 💔 I KNOW IT'S GOOD TO SLEEP BUT I FOCUS REALLY WELL AT NIGHT AND THAT'S THE TIME I STUDY MOST OF THE DAY. THE SUNLIGHT MAKES ME LETHARGIC 🥺. BYE GOODNIGHT Y'ALL. ALSO TWIN FANTASY IS STUCK IN MY HEAD, WAS HAVING DINNER AND THE FUCKING ALBUM IS PLAYING IN MY HEAD. "DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST DOGS?"  "STOP SMOKING WE LOVE YOU" "YOU GALVANISTIC YOUNG BOY" AND THEN THE ENTIRE FUCKING GALVANISM MONOLOGUE "TWIN BRUISES ON MY SHIN" "THE OCEAN WASHED OVER YOUR GRAVE" LIKE I DON'T EVEN BUY GROCERIES, HOW DO I GET THE ALBUM OFF MY HEAD I WON'T BE ABLE TO SLEEP BECAUSE THIS ALBUM WILL BE PLAYING IN MY HEAD WOW BYE.

This is why I deleted instagram to focus on Twitter because this is actually funny compared to brainrot repetitive schizoposting. Goodnight and it's only 11 fucking 30. 30 mins past bedtime. Yes I am a rebel. 

Take my hands off your neck and hold on to the ghost of your body

 mom did hear me cry yesterday because she was in my room today and told me i was using the phone also she called me atleast three times cause she wanted to hug me or physical affection stuff and i denied everytime obviously then she went on another rant how kids don't love their parents. I don't do this intentionally but deep inside i want her to feel the pain of not being able to experience physical intimacy - of any sort. i am incapable. I love sober to death. Also about my cutting. I don't have anything for first aid that will stop the bleeding. I had medical tapes back in my dorm room but did't bring them along. I'd have to go outside to buy all the medical shit but obviously can't. I would ask my sister but she will know that i will be cutting myself. She was the first person who found out i was cutting when she walked into my room iin the afternoon, i have written about it here i'm sure, i tell you everything. also she's only 12 and her friend tried to commit suicide by slicing her wrists so don't wanna traumatise her. My brother will tell mom. Imma search online but it's lowkey expensive and i don't have enough balance. I love jude st. francis. I personally would't like it if bristol did what i did, leave for days. we weren't talking much anyway. i am going insane. tomorrow i will finally finish watch perks of being a wallflower after being scared for yearss. i will. Will toeldro or whatever that gay furry's name is. happy pride month from duolingo btw. 

i wish bristol would post more on her blog i literally visited it 17 times (win fantasy reference of we gotta go back) but yea. I have literally memeoried her work at this point lol. she's busy though. i hope she's okay. 

Monterey

They should study me the way i was crying and nauseous and lowkey throwing up last night and then slept two hours or so to get woken up by my dad yelling at me how I'll never achieve anything and then my mom goes on to say how they spent so much money on me (true) for me to probably get a bare minimum job where I won't earn enough even till I'm sixty. It did motivate me to shower though, still didn't brush my teeth. If I commit suicide it's purely because of my dental health god my teeth hurts. Told my mom to take my next set of Invisalign from the doctor and she's like come along. I mean he will probably fond out I bulimic of he didn't already. Also can't throw up food when going out with friends because my dental health isn't capable anymore and eating out is expensive. I still stay whimsical though. Bristol really does change between whatsapp and Google messages. Also she suspects I'm lying which I am but like it's okay. Yesterday I told probably that I'll be cutting everyone off for a while which includes them and everyone, even Bristol, even though she was the only one o talked to two years ago apart from my mom. Would cut off my family too but I live with them. Actually glad because I won't be eating or showering and definitely not brushing if on my own. My roommate knows I skip meals, my friends there know if as well but they don't care enough and I like it that way. My roommate does threaten to compain to my mom though which is why I don't give one her number like sybau. Back to drinking green tea. I like mangoes because He hates them. I hate the color yellow because He likes it, my sister does too. Twin Fantasy is exactly the album I need to be gay and depressed and even suicidal in college. Oh and about my eyes, I cried so much they've been burning since last night and still now. Taking a shower and washing my eyes felt like washing those fresh baby cuts. I also have a very round or oval face lile what the fuck, also acne's back because I'll be getting my period. Fuck you periods. We having fish for lunch i like it now. 

So I'm writing again because I didn't wanna make a new post. I think I'm back to being suicidal. I wanna smoke cigarettes. There's this comfort in self destruction. Lunch was splendid. I wanna eat ice apples and this sweet called moti pak. I forgot what else I had to write. I think crying over someone of the sane sex in pride month makes it straight because queer month and queer person so both cancels out. I'm the straightest person I know. God yesss boyss mmmmmmm delicious. Fucking Bitches they are. There's also comfort in abandoning people and them hating you for it. I will be ruining my life again. I will destroy all my relationships with everyone I ever liked so that when I die there isn't a single ounce of remorse from anyone. I want to die by this year. I don't want to see 2026. I used to pray to god to give me cancer so that I can die. I'm not sure of I wrote is previously but honestly I'm not sure how I wanna kill myself. I know like atleast 100 ways I could kill myself thanks to those forums. I know painless ways as well but nothing is completely painless. Also the fact that most painless ways have a low success rate. What made me stop being suicidal was the fear of ending up being a vegetable. I'm still more scared of surviving rather than dying. The other half of me wants to die. Painfully. With Him watching. I hope he enjoys it. I'm did cut myself before coming back home, they were scratches honestly because it's really easy to accidentally hurt yourself more than you intended to when it comes to things. There's this comfort in cutting my arms. I want to cut my arms. I was just thinking of changing things about my body, oh yes the round face, actually I can't remember that train of thought. I'll take a nap probably. I don't know how any of this will end. 

I'm back again. I wish we'd talk more, not us but me and Bristol. Rn I'm in my room crying to twin fantasy because I'm not over last night. I wish Bristol would come over someday. We'd lie in my bed and listen to twin fantasy. I would clean my bed and won't cry. We should totally do that you know. I want to meet my other friends. I won't leave this house. I'm scared of being out alone yet I go alone everytime to meet them. I am yearning. We should talk more but I start acting desperate. About them, I fear they don't like me as much anymore. Maybe because I've grown annoying. I'll cut to that. I can't do hardcore drugs because I'm not american but I can get an alcohol addiction. I will never stop feeling old. 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. I need a job. I feel hollow. My teeth hurts. I don't want go abandon people. I'm so scared. Why don't we live together. I want to have s binge session. I won't leave this house until it's time to get back to college. I love you so much. When I come back you'll still be here, yes correct. I hope so. I want to live my life again. I want therapy. My head hurts I don't want to think. I don't want to yearn. I want to binge and not purge. I am getting closer to my starting weight. Mom called me skinny today because yesterday I told her my weight bothered me. My boy is such a banger I want to make an album. Me and Bristol had plans of making videos, we never did. So many other plans too. How do I fill this gaping hollowness I feel. My eyes are still burning. I'll stop listening to twin fantasy. Yes. 

WHY CAN'T WE LIVE TOGETHER I MISS THEM ALREADY. Twin fantasy and Calculus in my confinement. I want to be there for Bristol's birthday. I want her to have the best birthday ever. Every year. Bye, back to crying.

The other night I cried while thinking of having sex with you

I love this song so much because of how fucking true it is. Except the sex part although everything else works. Four posts in almost a day yay mental health. I am fucking crying not thinking of Him but them. Don't confuse it with the them tag though, they're people who molested me other than Him. This person well I love them. It's almost funny how I'm crying for them and not him. Like the text message did really affect me afterall. Like this person and Him are the obes on my mind mostly Him. I honestly hate myself and like at the moment I hate them but then I obviously can't ever hate them it's just my repressed feelings and anger and jealousy and that fuck ass Dog album. Why can't we be together. I'm literally so fucking gay I went to our chats and was bookmarking every time they told me that they loved me and then I like started crying even more and I sleep with my family because haha haha I am paranoid and hear noises when I'm alone and I go the bathroom and my whole face is twitching and I can't stop. I keep telling I'm gay not just because of my internalised homophobia and hate towards the term lesbian but also because I don't like women that way, except this one. Honestly everyone loves them so it's bit my fault except I get more competitive and jealous but I can't help myself. There were rumours of me liking two girls in school but I swear one was a rumor and I just wanted to be friends with her because she used to sit slone and we do talk once in a while now or mabe I liked her because she had short hair and glasses. Mind you most if my friends had short hair and glasses at some point and I didn't like them that way. I can't stop fucking crying and I hate when I cry about it because I can't stop the thoughts and the same and the fear of rejection or even acceptance and things not working out or me running away or just ruining things overall, just fucking scared. Also the fact like it's hard to explain ypu know like I like them in a very pure way and like sex would ruin that purity kinda like when dazai's main character in no longer human married a 17 year old but does not have sex with her. Although I do want to fuck men. But like in a revenge sort if way, like I want to use them for their body how they use us or how He used me although He never really had sex with me, hopefully. I am trying to be a bit more careful in this post because I'm aahamed. Honestly though the people around me especially at college probably do think I am in love with them because I mention them so much and like blah blah. Please don't make assumptions on who they are. I'll tell you, it's your mom. I want to sleep with her but only in the literal sense. I cannot stop crying and twitching at the moment but I think it's so funny that I'm not crying about Him but them. I hope my mom doesn't wake up cause like imagine she asks why I'm crying and I'm like cause I'm fucking gay mom go back to sleep. Bit like really I really do love them and I love them so much, oh this reminds me of that most of the time they texted me 'i love you ' I replied back ' I love you so much ' which is again me being desperate lol. Honestly when other friends text the same I'm like 'love you too' or just 'love you' because someone does bit me bit like I don't mean it, in the literal sense. I only love five people and they're one of them. I can't stop my thoughts. It started with me imagining together, in a house. Ypu know I won't elaborate but once they gave an idea of living with me in the upcoming months and I kid you not I was so happy it healed me istg. There's also this fear what if I harm them what if I can't control my bad habits or get rid of them. I would never eabt to lose them and yes I'm crying even more. I was thinking you know what if they were a boy and then I was like what if I were a boy. Spiralling now not because I came across the guy who sexually assaulted me for years but because a text message my friend sent. My friend yes that's what we are. I'm so devious that I tell others that they are my bestfriend. They also are probably aware of how fucking much I love them, I love them so much why can't we be together. Honestly it wasn't even that text message but the followup message and then me acting out on their words and they not acting back on it made me spiral even more because what if those words weren't for me. This was probably my yearly hare cycle breakdown for them but yea rhsvks for coming because I love them so much it's hard to hate.

Oh and um this song actually reminds me of two people. The negative aspects mostly the starting about Him. The other, well you know by now.  

Almost forgot to mention the core issue how I'm jealous of a man. Like wow I've always veen been jealous of men but never reasons like this until now. But you know what this is wzong because they like him so I'll go with it because I like them. I'll go back to bookmarking the i love you's and then I'll print it out and stick it in a notebook well well that notebook I got from anyway this post was me acting desperate for the god knows how many universes were created and destroyed timeth.

Found a text while bookmarking where they wrote Be in love with yourself well why can't you been hahahaha. Am I starting to act like the guy I dated? Oh and about that, the entire time I was loyal to loving them in both those fuck as relationships. I did not like those guys at all and was in the relationship because I can't say so thabks to Him because he never listened when I said no. I sound so toxic with this entire post omg prolly because I am give me therapy y'all.

In another text message they write that their father will love me, regarding something. In another text message they say "I don't believe people should stay with people who self harm" which is probably one of the reasons why I'm cutting them off this month because I will be self harming looking at the way things are going. 

This post was written for Tyler Joseph the lead singer of Twenty One Pilots because he looks so fucking majestic in the new music video. I know he has a wife and three kids but I side chick never really hurt yk. 

Galvanism

Three posts in less than a day I am not okay. O am scared. Saw a picture of my classmates hanging together. Human connection is pointless. I don't need friends and I don't need them. I'm too scared to leave the house anyway. I lied to my friends about being at a relative's place so I don't have to leave the house but how do I lie to my mom. I don't want go leave the house. I don't. She keeps saying we should go to the mall and I keep saying it's too hot. I'm so scared since I saw him. As long as I don't hurt myself too badly again I'm okay. I don't wear shorts for several reasons already. When I do, I put a medical tape on it. The others aren't that visible or are covered by the shorts. If I do end up giving myself another one though I'll do it on my right leg this time. A refrence to famous prophets (stars) by car seat headrest. Twin bruises on my shins except they aren't bruises and they aren't on my shins but thighs. Bristol at it again except it's just an album this time. I'm obsessed. I love twin fantasy. I want to ask her questions but I believe I act too desperate so I'll act cold instead. 

I love this album. 242 people died today but I can't help but not care I lack empathy. Didn't shower today and haven't brushed in some time again. I'm scared my teeth will all fall off. I'm closer to the weight I was in 2021. 0.1 kg more and I'm losing it again. My teeth's really ruined by not brushing and purging and coffee and sugar and what not. I know I keep saying this but I can't help it. My bowels aren't really doing good either. I'm so scared of him. I just want to cry in someone's arms. Not my mom though. Not my dad either. Not a stranger either. I don't know. I also don't want to be alone. I can't help but dit at this desk all day in this room and get fucking flashbacks. It's been five years. That's s long time. I haven't changed, at all. Even if I did I'm somewhat back to who I was. Cutting people off because that's probably the only thing I'm good at. I do wish I wasn't like this. I love all my friends, some a bit more. I was thinking that whenever Will mentions smoking in twin fantasy does Bristol think of Melbourne. Smoking reminds me how I was again thinking about my mom's best friend or do who burned herself alive. I wrote about it here once. I want to cry. I want to stay up all night. I don't want to eat. I asked Bristol her favourites from this album and I can agree they're all very nice. I love this album. Lowkey want to cry to it. It's perfect for crying. Can't do that rn though. My teeth hurts. I was supposed to go visit the dentist snd change my Invisalign set. Scared. Again. The last set didn't fit well so I wanted to tell him that but my mom's gotta drag me to the clinic. Unless... I can't walk. Like old days. Can't leave the bed. My left leg. It's much smaller now. I don't like that. Maybe if my thighs get thinner it'll be bigger again. Mom was telling me again if there's any sort of cream that would fade these, in regard to my arm. They'll all get white eventually. Sad. I really wanted to visit my friends this June. I was really looking forward to it. I wanted to meet them. I hate Him. I can't get him off my head. I keep watching ypu know what the other bad addiction and it's almost always something violent and I'm thinking of him. Even today. Nothing in my body functiond properly. I didn't make Bristol's birthday gift. I was so excited. I planned it out for more than s year. He really ruins everything. I need to stop blaming him for everything but genuinely though I can't function. Even my mom told me s few hours ago how I've started locking myself again. Since yesterday. She told me she thought I was angry with her. I love you Will. Will remind me of Judge's partner from a little life. I get why Bristol likes this album. Delicacy. Mom's yelling again. I don't like when people raise their voices. Bristol doesn't like that either if I remember. I have terrible memory but I try to remember little things. I feel sorry for everyone I love, life really is miserable for everyone. I don't really have a lot of people to think about. I really wanted to make presents for Bristol's birthday. I'll be all by myself though until college opens. Will turn ok my phone on 27th to wish her a birthday. June 27th is a nice day to be born, because probably she was born on that day. I love both versions of twin fantasy. I want to listen to the new song by twenty one pilots but I love this album so much. Will ily. It's okay to be a gay furry. God I love this album I would come to this if I already didn't like two times today thanks to those fuckass videos. Whenever I watch it I really think of the lyrics of male fantasy by Billie Eilish. She's so real. Oh and mom indirectly called my sister bisexual. She's like we'll change her school so that she can make a boyfriend......and a girlfriend. Ally????? No lol mom menat in a platonic way. Remeber when I told you about the time mom was telling about what my neighbour said about his daughter havin6a boyfriend. She joked about it. Does she think I'm gay? I really don't like the term lesbian and I've told you why in detail in thr past. I'm okay with being called gay that is my defination of gay. Sober to death is such a good song I love this. I'm smoking this album lol. I should help my mom with the househild chores. In 20 years old afterall. Hell I'm 20 years old. Don't wanna be 20 years old. Don't wanna be. Don't wanna be stuck either. I want to meet my friends. I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. I try not to but yea. I don't like being alone. I want to be hugged. I want to cry. I also want to scream and yell. I also want him to say sorry. Does his wife know what he did to me? I think by this point she's already pregnant. He'll soon be a father. Did he ever love me or was I always a sexualised object to him ever since. I'm not human, will is right. I'm an object. I don't have any memories before 2011, I told you about that as well. I tell you a lot. My first memory is of my first lie. Did he always do bad things to me? Even before I was six? Why did the other men harm me though. Men are evil and I hate them. All they want to do is fuck you. I swear. I hate men. Women aren't too good either but yea, little les worse. Everyone is terrible and I live no one. Is it the chorus yet? I wanted to be hugged. I don't like any form of physical intimacy or even a slight touch. Don't touch me. I want to run away. I want a therapist to heal me. I want him to apologise. He never apologised. I want go tell everyone what he did to me. I also want him to kill me or fuck me till Im actually dead. I'm so scared of him. I'm incapable of loving and being loved. I need to change. I keep saying that. I can't stop writing so I'll go. I want go talk more though. Twin Fantasy is an amazing album, bye goodnight. 

What, do you have something against dogs?

Nobody's celebrating Pride month like me I'm telling ya. The reason I don't have s flag in my room is because I really fulfill it's need in other ways. It's 12th of June, I'm listening to Twin Fantasy on repeat (i like the 2011 ver.more even if it's shorter y feels raw) and changing my wallpapers to Call me by your name while reading a little life. I was also doing other aruff but now I forgot what it was. Did not meet that friend today btw. Too scared to leave the house and felt uncomfortable existing. I'm planning to lock myself in my room for a few days starting tomorrow. Maybe till Bristol's birthday. Fifteen days. I'm definitely NOT done with the gifts do I guess I'll give it to her later this year or so. I feel guilty because yesterday she told me Alivia gave her an early birthday present, I wonder what it was. Bristol is the only friend whom I give birthday gifts. Failed this year though. Oh and um coming back to pride month, people that I hangout wirh in college are super homophobic like literally. I have this classmates who was told to give a speech on homosexuality and she said something along tje lines of how it's wrong. Unironically though she and a lot of them behave like an ally but then again the homophove really do cones out. Everyone calls me gay again as if it's middle school all over again but this gay is quite different from that. I invented this gay and they fet along with it. Oh and um I was seeing and up top 4 of my top 5 artists were queer and the fifth one, well: can't find the picture but it's tyler Joseph holding the flag. 

I like not leaving the house and cutting off from people although it means that I'll be in my own company which is productive but also very self destructive. I'm scared but I'll follow through. I'll remove whatsapp web from my laptop and switch off my phone. YouTube is a nice app. Can't wait to listen to the Contract and then eventually the album Breach. I do hope the theories are correct and that the cover changes to blue. I like blue. My favourite shade is probably that classic H&M Pigeon blue which is like grayish blue. I wrote to Flatsound finally. I hope they make a sequel to my favourite pieces of media like albums, novels and films. I need that confort. My teeth has gotten really sensitive, well it's definitely the purging and excessive sugar and nit brushing for months. A few days ago I brushed my teeth twice and I was so happy I wanted someone to tell me that they're proud of me. It feels nice when people tell me that they're proud of me with a light in their eyes so I keep saying this to other on there achivements. Nobody listens to music better than Bristol. I've heard twin fantasy since the day Bristol told me about it but lately, especially today I am so in love with it. Banger album. Will is so real like we'd probably be friends. I don't know why Bristol likes this so much but I have very definitive reasons. So you wanna see a picture of Mitch Welling that I recently downloaded? I was so scared lol 

Look at his phone cover man, and also I've theorised shit and one of his ex was female and she died prolly and then he also had an ex who was male. Like if you are insane enough you'll realise. I love being in the twenty one pilots and gravity falls random so much fun lol. They should make a country where the national anthem is it's only sex. Oh, my top five artists in order btw:

1. Lil Peep

2. Flatsound 

3. Twenty Øne Piløts

4. Sufjan Stevens 

5. Troye Sivan 

Honestly I don't religious listening to Troye Sivan like the others but like of you get it you get it. I felt very hurt in the psst few days by all the people I loved. I used to think I was bipolar a few years ago. I really want to earn money so that I can afford therapy. My memory is so shit. I really don't like the make species in general. I would also like to state the fact that I have extreme internalised homophobia thanks to middle school especially towards lesbians and also that I would hope I'm straight but I have my people to not be and xy chromosome holders lack so much empathy and basic understanding being few of them. I'll go for now. I like writing here because I don't have any expectations. Buddhism is so correct. I need to let off the desire shit. Amen to Buddha.

The worst day was the time my doctor told my mom and dad what Aunt Helen did to me.

I really had a lot to write. I controlled myself because I had exams going on and I did not have the energy to study. All I did was look at pictures of him and his wife. I was stalking him I had nightmares where he was there so I didn't sleep for days again. 

I told Bristol about this blog. I really am very desperate. She said she won't come here or so. 

Even right now as I'm recalling stuff my chest is beating so fast I can barely breathe. 

I wanna start with my parents. They trigger me. A lot. They aren't aware maybe but I tell them sometimes that I'm not comfortable with certain things and they won't listen. I wanna say a lot on this as well but I'll hold back again. Remember I made a list of 5 people who I love and live for? Yes honestly no. Lately I've been hating everyone. It's because they all said or did something maybe even multiple times to puss me off. I don't like anyone. I feel like this is April of 2020 again. Isolated. I'm starting to cry again lol. 

I'm back. 

Lately I've been talking to Bristol and Melbourne more compared to the last few months. I'll stop. Melbourne is sick again, so ig won't talk to her. Bristol idk she's busy with her college. 

I really get fucking pissed by everyone. It's almost like talking to the void. I've decided that I love no one and will give cold responses to everyone I told myself I liked. Hate is a strong word.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to meet this friend who ik from fourth grade or so. It was ni e with her because we were both very competitive. I changed a lot in sixth grade. Degraded. In my final year of highschool we were friends again because we had the same biology tution.  She was nice but also very backhanded bullying type.i said yes to meeting her but leaving the house is the last thing I'll be doing. I need a lie that lasts me this month because I meeting no one no more. I done. I'm just taking a cab and going straight to college a few days before it opens. I'm so scared to even open the windows. A few mins ago I heard someone banging on the door. I can't. My heart is still beating fast. 

So, coming to the main thing. I'm back to who I was. Not as worse obviously but quite close. I've got back to almost all my bad habits just not super severe with them at the moment. 

I was looking at his pictures the entire time you know. On his wife's instagram. I deleted instagram before returning home because a few mins before. I met Bristol, prolly on 7th. I was really excited to meet her. I was smiling the entire way until I crossed this hospital and then the school and I felt well really weird. And awkward. I wanted to go back to lunch break in school. Not a particular one but simultaneously experience all 14 years. Or something like that. I just had this nostalgia that disgusted me. I went to meet Bristol and I was feeling off. Even while returning I crossed the school again and got this very strange feeling. It's almost like a pre feeling. 

Today. I woke up pissed. Dad yelling at me like always that I promised to wake up at 4 but can't be up at 8. I hate being told what to do. Absolutely hate it. I also hate being blamed for things I didn't do. There's really always a lot of yelling at my house. I think everyone here is tired of everyone. I'm back on Twitter so you know what that means. Argued with both my parents like I used to and then argued because they wouldn't let me shut my room's door while studying even though they are well aware of how much I hate my room and this house and most importantly that chair and desk. I'm so scared. 

Around lunch, went to buy eggs and stuff. With my sister because I hate going out alone. For the very same reasons. I went to s nearby shop. Mom did tell me that He worked near the shop at some plywood shit. Like the plywood shit thing is beside the shop I went to. He was there. He was there. HE WAS THERE. I froze again. It's always so hard to even be conscious when he's around. My sister noticed the change in my behaviour. He very obviously saw me and I tried my best to ignore him. I'm so scared. I'll hurt myself terrible like I had in the past of I have to see him once more. I cannot take this anymore. 

Oh and almost forgot to mention how my mom compares me and my sister in weird aspects. 

1.  Nowadays your sister is thinner than you (to me)

2. (To me again) She us an internet kid she knows what a good and bad touch is, there wasn't much internet around your time.

Well you were???????????????? I am not activity suicidal anymore because ik it all but I really do wanna bury myself far from here at the moment. 

This was the tip of the iceberg of the things that heavily affected me since my last post. I want to be AWAY. 

I am so scared of Him. 

Anyway love you Mitch Welling for helping me function daily <3