scaredddddd

It's really hot and I didn't wanna turn on the AC because the electricity bills are MASSIVE so I just removed my t-shirt initially but my bra was too tight, so I removed it too. The only time I touch myself if during shower, to apply soap. I was trying to make a weird heart shape with my left arm and left breast when I felt a LUMP. It's like a ping pong ball and it's hard. I checked the other breast, and it was just squishy. Should I be concerned? 

Gonna go and learn the entire anatomy of the female breast because apparently when I had that in ninth grade, I told my male teacher that it was "out of syllabus" and never studied it either because I was too embarrassed to read. 

Fuck. If I die of breast cancer, I want you to know reader that I really liked gravity falls and twenty-one pilots and novels and that YOU should start reading novels. Bye:/

No wait, I'm back. Bro what the fuck how am I supposed to tell my mom. Fuck. Literal fucking fuck. What if she takes me to the hospital? The last time I went, the dermatologist saw me half naked and I promised myself I'll never go to a hospital. Fuck what if my mother wants to touch my breast to actually check because I complain to her about being sick all the time? What if the doctor touches my breast? I will literally chop my breasts off if anyone ever fucking touches them. Fuck. I'm actually anxious now. Wow. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. How do I tell my mom. Fucking how. I want both my breasts to be squishy aaaaahhhhh breastgod please give me back my squishy left breast. Fuckkkkk. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckkkkkkk. Fucking fuck. My breast????? My left breast 😭😭😭😭😭😭. 

I checked some symptoms of lumps, and it takes about changes in breast like how am I supposed to even know? The only thing I know about my breasts is that they exist. I don't even look at them. I might open my t-shirt or bra during summer but that's purely because I want to save on the electricity bill and I'm feeling super-hot. Fuck.fuck. breast lord save me.

LGBTQ movies, marry me please.

I fucking love Call me by your name. I fucking l-o-v-e it. Fucking love it. I know that watching two or three or even five movies doesn't mean that I am a huge fan because these are just rookie numbers. Plus, I only watch the movies that show romance even though the community has gone through so much struggle and rejection and what not. But honestly in this post I just want to thank the community because I love cmbyn and water lilies. I like LGBTQ characters in movies too, but they're always shown as "quirky" or "different" and it feels like they're just there for the name of "representation" same thing happens with plus sized people or sometimes even people of different ethnic background, "my quirky brown friend Rajesh of Indian ancestry who does stereotypical Indian things and we accept him for that". I'm not saying all movies but most movies I watch. Maybe I'm watching the wrong kind of movies.

I love the concept of yearning in LGBTQ romance movies. In both the movies Elio and Marie almost yearn but they don't actively act on it in a very "forward" way. And even in the end they do get close to them, they do realize that it can never be a thing. I like the concept. The concept of wanting someone to want you the way desperately you want them. I want to experience that. In majority of the straight movies I've watched it's almost so normal that a boy and girl will like each other and honestly in most of the movies they end up having casual sexual a lot even if they don't stay together. I don't like that. I don't like movies that solely have a physical aspect. I like movies that make me feel something. Fallen Angels and The Chunking Express made me feel things. When people talk about these movies they only talk about the cinematography most of the time which is indeed brilliant but then I really love the character of Takeshi Kaneshiro. I like his character expresses emotions so fluently it's almost as if he's bleeding into the audience, as if he's some sort of fluid. I have zero knowledge about movies but I like such movies. I discovered something else I liked which was "Scott Pilgrim vs the World", this movie is not exactly about feeling (as much) I don't know what it is but I enjoyed every second of it and every character was top notch.

Coming back to call me by your name, whenever I listen to Mystery of love I feel like I have this deep hollowness in my heart which consists solely of yearning. Yearning to love someone and wanting the same back. At times I feel like I'll never experience that because if I ever try to like someone, genuinely, I would be absolutely mortified. Currently, I feel like I am experiencing the opposite of yearning, let me Google search that, so apparently, it's loathing. True. But honestly most of it is directed towards me. He is just a medium. If loathing was a fish tank, then he'd be the water and I'd be the fish. Reader, I need to hold your hand and tell you how much, just how much I love these movies. They make me feel emotions I rarely feel. I feel good yet so sad. I'm telling you if I ever like someone, I'm down bad to fuck any fruit, drink their cum induced bathwater, or even eat their half-eaten stuff that would go to trash afterall. I love stuff like this in LGBTQ movies. Makes me feel more seen. 

I'm not sure if I wrote it here but in middle school people used to say I had a crush on this girl. They used to tease me with her name. I did a lot of things but the most "extreme" one I did if I remember was that I made a notebook and I wrote there entries explaining how I don't have a crush on her, but I'd be happy to be her friend and some more stuff because I don't remember shit. I also made her a birthday card. I put in a lot of effort to that. I made it for months. She just said thank you. 

We do talk now normally (I hope). I found out this year she's actually a year younger than me even though we were in the same grade. She wished me birthday last year. (I didn't even though I remembered it). This year I wished and she didn't, not that I care. 

I really want to buy the book of call me by your name but if I buy it my mom might crucify me. Plus, I have a LOT of unread novels at home.

Books that actually destroyed me weren't the ones by Franz Kafka or Osamu Dazai even though I excessively obsess over them. The books that tore me apart were the ones by Khaled Hosseini. Plus, I was twelve or thirteen when I read it, so I think it's an important factor too. I remember I was reading the kite runner in the school library and on page sixty-two (Bloomsbury edition) I read about Hassan being raped by a boy and I was S H O C K E D. I'm telling you, it hit me like a truck, I never knew males could be raped too. Especially male on male assault. For me back then rape was something as presented in the media, a girl in her twenties or thirties wearing "inappropriate" cloths thus bears the "consequences" of it by the hands of the stranger. What's "funnier" was people who used to say that she apparently "deserved it" and that is what happens when you deviate from the culture and these "men" (the rapists) were actually making sure these girls who no longer partake in the culture are "ridden off". 

These might be furious sentences, but I grew up in a conservative society. When I was around 16-17, people from my father's side used to ask my parents why I am not married yet, afterall I'm such a big girl now.  I don't remember clearly but both my grandmothers were married somewhere between the ages of 11 to 15. It's so bizarre to me at times. My mom was married at twenty-two. My father was twenty-nine. They have a seven-year age gap. If I could choose, would I marry a boy who's seven years older to me? No. 

If I'm being honest, it feels like if a boy is even a day older than me, he is an older brother and if he's even a day younger that me he's a younger brother even if all three of us are born in 2005. Bye-bye.

short QnA

People here keep asking me how I not miss my home. 

I mean there was not a single room in that house where he didn't assault me. Most of those events happening in my room which is why I shifted to my brother's room for almost the rest of the year in 2020. When I came back to my room, I covered up the walls with posters and drawing and whatnot. Anything that would not remind me of him. Whenever I think of home I think of him. It's 10:09 am and I'm still awake. I broke my fast. Today I will eat well. Restricting from tomorrow again. 

People also ask how I am so chill and not worried about my exams.

Well honestly, I would try to care about stuff but it's hard when he's the one on my mind. Not exactly him but what he did to me. The events from back when I was fifteen are still somewhat stuff, I remember but childhood ones are getting harder. Plus, he went way over and beyond to me as a kid compared to as a teen. "Why won't you let me love you like the way you did as a kid" is literally a life changing sentence to me. Fucking killing myself soon, done with self-improvement, it's nothing but a facade. 

it's 5:31 am and I want to dieeee

I didn't sleep. I tried distracting myself by watching "All about Lily Chou Chou". I've wanted to watch it for years. I only watched an hour if it. I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I've tried everything that helps me distract from it except cutting. I not only have a boxcutter but an actual knife. Every time I want to cut, I look at my left thigh. I can't stop if I start again and I know it. Very well. And when I cut due to anger I cut deep. I can't afford to go to the hospital at this hour. And honestly if I do any sort of physical harm to myself people will think I did it due to academic pressure.

He will turn 36 this year. He was probably twenty-two or twenty-three when he started it I believe. Someday I'll be that age. It's disgusting to think about. His birthday is probably on 6th of October. My head hurts too much. I did take disprin. I have nine more pills left. Should I overdose? I won't die I know that, my motive is to stop this headache anyway.  Whenever I think about him it's so hard to breathe. It's almost as if my body is repulsed by the fact that I let someone to something like that to it.

I can't sleep. I feel dizzy. I feel weak. Vulnerable. I can't go on live my life like this.

Sometimes it doesn't even feel like I'm living but rather distracting myself from thinking about it. I need to hurt him. Forgiveness isn't something I know. I want revenge. My lips are chapped even though I use two different products on them. Fuck. Head hurts. Stomach hurts. Mom would say I'm pretending as usual. Why won't mom acknowledge that something bad happened to me?

I tried protecting my siblings as much as I could. I told my mom to not take them to his house. She wouldn't listen. She let him buy them stuff. Probably left them alone with him too. I believe I have scarred my siblings. That afternoon in late October when my sister waked in on me cutting and I made her promise me not to tell mom, but she was so scared for me she told mom. My brother found about it to eventually. My parents openly scolding me in front of them for cutting myself, or not eating or not socializing or whatever. Reader, do you think it'll affect them when they grow up? I hope not. I really want my siblings to like me. I've tried protecting them. I used to teach them karate back in sixth grade. They could barely talk. I taught them so that they're good at it when they grow up and no one can ever harm them. They'll get a green belt this year. I hope my siblings don't grow up to hate me.

I am yearning for a childhood. I am yearning to not remember any of that. Every single day it gets harder even though I keep telling myself I'll forget about it. It's been four years, and the pain just grows on me. My life, since the moment I saw my mom simply slap him has never been the same again. Sometimes I want my mom to choke me to death. It would've been definitely better that hurting him. Every single time my parents mock me for my self-harm it feels like how much they do not know me. They know N OT H I N G about me. Nothing. Is it really normal for your six-year-old daughter trying to hump her least favorite teddy bear? 

can't sleep. it's 2am and I gotta wake up at 5am

If I could go back in time and change one thing it would probably be stopping myself from telling my mom about him. I genuinely have no 'spirit' to live. I would've killed myself. Also, I didn't watch porn. I had to eat breakfast. I starved for the rest of the day. Three girls from my hostel said they'll only go to eat if I go. What I did was make kheer instead. I didn't taste the kheer obviously. I will eat well tomorrow. It's Sunday. They make a nice breakfast and dinner. I feel guilty. For spending so much money. I don't know what I was on back then. I have like 11,000 now in my account. Mom asked me to send her a thousand earlier today. I told my mom I had around 19,000 in my account and with me sending her money it should be 18,000 according to her but then there's still 7,000 missing and it's a huge amount. Also, I don't know how will I 'hide' the skincare stuff when I go home. I hate spending money I didn't earn. I did spend it though. I also bought a bit of makeup stuff because I wanted to be girly and female enough, but I only told my mom about two lip glosses. I don't know how to tell her about the others. At times I feel like my parents resent me. I know that they know how much if a waste I am of time and money. I feel sorry for them. Lately it's so hard to think straight. I am tensed about my upcoming exams. Whenever I am tensed, I take up an addiction. I'm so lightheaded these days because of starving. I'm so hungry right now. I drank enough water though. The skincare products don't seem to work to be honest. But I'll try having faith. Every time I look at my dual toned lips I wanna rip them off. My gallery is filled with bodychecks and picture of my acne. Why do I make myself miserable? Also, I feel like I could never make a real friend out of Bristol because she would H A T E me if she found out stuff about me. It really hurts when my mom commented on my self harm and then Bristol said she'd never be friends with someone who self-harms. If she ever happens to find that out about me and still stays a friend, I know it won't be genuine and just her good nature and sympathy. I would like to have a friend to confide in and who would accept me, since I was a kid and I promise to be the same to them. But it's hard. 

I may be terrible for saying this but sometimes I wish he fucks me so that I can finally kill myself in utter shame. Not that I am not ashamed enough now but 'this shame' comes in phases and waves but 'that shame ' would hit me like a truck.

I still remember back in fifth or sixth grade at night my mom was scrolling through Facebook and came across this post of a girl who was almost as old as me, ten or eleven, was found raped and probably like kept in an acid barrel or something. A few days later it turns out it was her uncle (father's brother) who did it. I had several thoughts and one of them was that would he do this to me and if I tell my mom will he give me the same consequences as her? I remember as my mom told me about it, she used to word 'rape' and I pretended to not know it and she gave me a very childish explanation for that. I remember my mom telling a neighbor how she (my mom) is teaching my siblings about good touch and bad touch and feeling so proud to be "open minded" while I was being bad touched all along. I have always hated my body. At times I don't take a shower just because I don't want to touch myself. One of the reasons I have an eating disorder is that when he assaulted me, he used to hold my breasts from behind the chair and my size was 34 C around then. His had used to fit on my breasts. The last time I bought bras which was ig 2022 I was a 32C and I was actually happy because they would no longer perfectly fit in his hands. I remember reading Looking for Alaska and feeling weird at the parts where  Miles touches Alaska's breasts. I remember how sometime in March of 2020 my mom ordered four burgers and one was for him. When he came my siblings were watching tv and I was studying alone in my room. He came to my room but I ran off to the sofa but that wouldn't stop him. He turned off the lights and stated touching me as usual in front of my siblings when I demanded to let go, he put his hand under my pajamas and spank my vagina from like between my hips while saying that he would let me eat his burger if I let him have his way. Every single time I eat a burger which is probably twice or thrice a year this 'event' always pops up in my head. I swear I'd be a better person only if I could let him go off my mind. Every time I go out, I feel scared of how people look at me. I walk very fast. I never want to be assaulted ever again. I haven't been assaulted this year in any way and I hope it stays that way for the rest of my life. Even when I die because necrophilia is a real thing.

advice from ME

Fellas, remember to be a nice, giving and polite person. One of the reasons I'm not yet in jail. Just saying. People at my dorm are being nice to ME. I love validation. I will definitely bring pastries for all of them when I come back. Fellas, be a good human being. Porn is affecting my ability to be myself. No more porn.

porn is bad (can confirm)

I watch enough porn to kill a small victorian child. Saw this porn video that turned me on so much that I came thrice and then turned off. (slept)

My mom video called and was telling me she can't find my boxcutters as she wanted to cover my brother's notebooks. She said she searched in all the places I would hide it and asked me if I knew anymore. She said my brother took after me using those boxcutters. I asked if he also cuts himself (he's nine years old) and mom said no he's in the first stage that is cutting paper with it. She said cutting oneself like I used to, comes in the later stages like stage three. She said my brother found out one yesterday. She also said about many other things about me cutting. For some reason it made me really angry. She then asks after a few minutes if I got angry with that question and I said no even though I wanted to slash the fuck out of my left arm and make a cut twice as big as the one on my left thigh. 

Also, I got this money spending addiction a week ago or so and I spent 10,000+ rupees. In mid Feb I had 27,000 something rupees and now I have 13,000 something. I spent around 4,000 on college admission forms and then 5,000 or so on food. I ate a lot of junk food this March, like a fucking lot. I spent around 4 to 5 thousand on buying stuff. I was tired of people criticizing me and making me insecure. My upper lip is darker than my lower lip and atleast three people pointed it out, some even more than once. I thought it was normal and those bitches also had dual color lips upto some extent, not as noticeable me though. 

On my birthday I had called people and they pointed out how I have acne now. People saying I'm tall, but I have horrible posture. My crooked lower set of teeth.

I bought a lot of skin care shit. A cleanser, toner, serum, moisturizer, sunscreen. I also bought a lip treatment and a lip balm. I bought face masks and nose patches for black heads. I bought four lip glosses to cover up my lips. I bought this scrubber to exfoliate my body. I bought a gua sha and a facial roller. I bought waxing strips. I also bought an eyeliner to be pretty, but God am I horrible at applying it. I also bought nail polish because apparently as a six-year-old I always had nail polish on and I seemed happy in those pics. I also bought a pair of sunglasses and a tote bag (it was 550 but I told my mom it was 82 rupees) I also bought this make-up bag to keep all my shit (it was 400 but I told my mom it was 98). 

I really don't know why I lied to her. I felt like she would scold me for spending my father's hard-earned money in such a manner. I don't know. I told her about only two lip glosses and the shades. I didn't tell her about my skincare stuff. Kill me.

Note: I am definitely quitting porn. I am completely desensitized to Japanese porn. Today I switched to French porn, specifically this old guy who has a bookshelf, a white door, and a somewhat orange couch. In one of his videos (the one I came thrice) his friend Serge comes to 'help' him. It was only spanking though. I found more of that guy from other channels. But won't watch that shit from tomorrow. My perception of reality is warped, and I can feel my iq decreasing. Also, probably the reason why I was sexually assaulted in my dream today. The fuck. 

listen to me bruh.

Wait a minute, does it mean that I get turned in by sexual assault????? Like fuck that's disgusting. Also, idk whenever I'm stressed, I use some sort of fucking addiction to cope. Currently it's starving after that binge eating and binge spending phase. Like I love my body so much. I literally eat one meal and my body is like fuck yes whatever. But that actually means I'm fat because my body is using its own fat to provide for my lack if food. When I left home, I was 54 something kilograms. Let's assume 55. I was actually 52-53 in May, but my aunt visited and I was about to come here plus there was always good food. I'll go back home on the 20th something April and I swear to God if I'm not less than fifty kilograms I will be punching myself in the face real hard. I have to be the thinnest and tallest person the room. Also, the prettiest and most successful but I'm not really working for it so idk.

Btw I made a lock screen and home screen wallpaper, but I won't gatekeep it from you so here you go:

 I live laugh love LGBTQ movies. They're so much better than an average straight movie. I would say more but I don't feel like it as of now so bye-bye.

TF?

Blud, I got sexually assaulted in my dream today and I woke up fucking wet. Should I genuinely kill myself??????? Also no, surprisingly it was not Him. There's this like watchman in my dorm who acts super weird with me. I don't care as much but then he always has to touch my shoulder whenever he says something like WHY DO YOU HAVE YO DO THAT? Like I keep a minimum distance of two meters from him and avoid him or ignore him. I thought it would be disrespectful to ignore because he's older but fuck it. I wouldn't think so much about it but like why you have to touch me dude to just say good morning???? Like his hands are on my fucking bra strap whenever he touches my shoulder. I'm not sure if I'm having a victim complex but whatever. Also, my friend Melbourne claims to like the movie "Un homme qui dort" as she watched it around like 17 times well fuck you because I like it more and you'll never like it as much as I like it or the way I like it. Also, I watched it before you and you're a fucking cheater because I had a huge ass Poster(s) of that movie in my room and when you visited you took a pic of it, and you didn't even mention it once which means you've watched it. Fuck you fuck you fuck you I like that movie more. I've used the shots of that movie as my profile picture on fucking suicide/self-harm/eating disorder forums even just plain Goodreads and Spotify. You'll never compare. Fuck you. 

noooooo

Soo, I was taking to Bristol the only friend I actually, like genuinely talk to AND she read a book today related to her life and while telling me about it she said she'd like to stay away from people who sh. She was referring to a friend of ours. Now I do not cut myself at the moment but damn do I have urges lately and they're worse than before. I thought Bristol would be my friend forever and stuff but if girlie finds out about me or any of my two blogs I will be literally killing myself.

Also, ED runs in our family unlike us. Yesterday was Holi, my Nani called several times, but I didn't pick up. She also called today earlier, and I didn't pick up because I was sleeping, and I kept forgetting to call back. She called tonight and I talked to her, and she was upset about her weight which was 100 kilograms back in 2019 or 2021, I can't remember clearly. She ended the call saying she wishes to be thin almost as thin as me. 

My mom recently joined a gym because she was 90 kilograms. She mentions her weight almost every time she calls. 

Now I am back in my starving era starting yesterday. I had an omad yesterday. I've decided to only eat dinner. Like I even logged in to my edtwt account that I actually tried to delete. I was overeating since my birthday in Feb. I was ordering food from outside. I definitely spent a LOT of money on that. I used to eat three tubs of ice cream, one bowl of ramen a strawberry mojito, a bubble tea in one day, including the food I get in my hostel and even occasionally going out to eat with a friend. I definitely have developed a habit of binge eating since I came here. Not have a scale to measure my weight give me a delusion that I weigh the say or even less which is definitely not true. So, I'll omad on Wednesday which is lunch then fast till Sunday and walk 30,000 steps owe day. I'm not overdoing it because I've done this type of shit in the past and effectively lost five to seven kgs that I didn't gain back, atleast not until I came here. Also, drinking lots of water. I don't feel like exercising so I'll be skipping that. 

please, let me be an Astronaut.

At times I feel like I made a huge mistake telling my mom and considering that she didn't even believe me even though I was crying like hell. She did believe me. I feel like my parents still think it's my fault and as much as I love my parents, I absolutely HATE how they handled that. If I ever succeed in killing myself, I want them to know that this was definitely a major reason to do so, and they could have actually done something. I mean come on they still meet his entirely family, she visits their house with my siblings, he just lives a block away and I so often see him in the road. The only thing she did change was that he was never allowed in our house ever again, but I feel like in my absence he even visited us. I mean come on mom why don't you just FUCKING choke me with your own hands while my father is cutting me. Why don't you. I FUCKING HATE YOU DOE HOW YOU RESPONDED TO THAT. I'M FUCKING NINETEEN YEARS OLD AND I SHOULD BE OVER IT BUT I'M NOT. I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY TO IMPROVE MYSELF I ALWAYS END UP CRYING ABOUT IT. I DON'T WANT TO LOVE LIFE THIS WAY. 

I may be a horrible person for saying this, but I feel like I shouldn't have told my mom that night. I should have let him continue. I should have let me rape me, I should have let him do whatever he wanted to do with me and eventually it would end up in rape and then I would go alone and report to the police but obviously they'd so nothing because rape in India is like the FUCKING BREAS AND BUTTER OF THIS COUNTRY IT IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY RUNS ON. YES, THAT'S RIGHT, THIS COUNTRY RUNS ON FUCKING RAPING LITTLE GIRLS. GIRLS AS YOUNG AS SIX BEING FORCED TO PROSTITUTION FOE FUCKING 30,000 RUPEES. FUCK THESE PEOPLE. 

Anyway, so I'd report him and as expected the police wouldn't bat an eye and I wouldn't tell my parents and then I would kill myself. The thing is I actually did want to kill myself even though he didn't rape me, but the thing is it was the pandemic, and everyone was home and I was a fucking pussy. Now at nineteen I do know methods that will kill me with minimal pain. But the problem is now I have to earn money. Also, lately I've been carving physical affection, all thanks to porn but I very well know that I will never get it in my lifetime all thanks to him.

I really want to torture him you know. Like tie him up and be like " OH YOU LOVE ME? AWWWWW " AND THEN FUCKING CHOP HIS LIMBS AND CONTINUE THIS PROCESS.  I bet stuff like this is some sort of porn. I mean if guro could be a thing this one definitely exists. I really want to hurt him. I'm so fucking tired of myself. I want to be thin enough to be anorexic, but I love my breasts but then I remember that he actually touched them several times and it makes me want to chop them off (also I hate wearing bras). I recall how he used to kiss my privates as a kid while I'm completely naked and he's on top of me and I would be like a fucking piece of frozen meat. I didn't feel good. No. I didn't. 

I really want my mom to hug me but every time I think how she responded to that makes me want to spit and like turn a stranger to her. Mom, if you're reading this, which I hope you aren't, I want you to know that no matter how much you love me (and dad) it will NEVER be enough, and I hate you. I absolutely hate you guys. Yes, I do love you like 99.99% but the other 0.01 percent is pure hated, and disgust and I want to know that. I want you to know that how you responded with my behavior and me complaining you about nightmare and hallucinations and my self harm and eating disorder or literally anything that I have become due to HIS actions is not what I wanted. I wanted you to acknowledge that YES, something bad had happened to me which is not normal, and it had happened for way too long. And this was a person I was supposed to trust. And mom, he was not the only one. Mom, at times it gets hard to breathe. And dad, you say you love me, but I don't think you love me in a way I understand. Mom, I want to go fucking kill myself because he said that I don't love him like the way I used to as a kid. Mom, can I fucking blow a head, please? Mom can I please, please, please kill myself? 

I'm not even lying. I wanted to get good grades in highschool. I was getting better. I wanted to scored good grades on SAT which is comparatively easy. I wanted to go to MIT and get a bachelor's degree in aerospace and get all that stuff and because an astronaut and go to Mars. Such a pure DREAM. Honestly most of the days the only reason I live is because I took science so I still have some hope that I can be an Astronaut. But ten there are these literal motherfuckers that will come up to me and ask why did I choose science when I'm so bad at it? Well, I'm not bad at it, I just can't focus on studying because all I think about is Him. It gives me home that somehow in some way I can still, possibly be an astronaut. In some universe (I don't believe in parallel universes btw) this stuff happens to me, and I somehow manage to become an astronaut. Leland Melvin was raped when he was five years old, and he became one. He is my hope. Probably the only one that inspires me to keep pushing forward. GOD, I don't know if you exist but hear me out, I want NOTHING but be an astronaut and go to Mars. I'm shaking and crying right now but please, please, please let me be an Astronaut. I'd let him or anyone rape me an infinite number of times without comparing but just let me be an astronaut, please, please I don't wanna die with an incomplete dream, please listen to me this one time. You never did as a kid, but please, please let me become an astronaut. I don't want to pretty, I don't want a good husband, I don't want friends, I don't want anything a normal sane person would, but God do I want to be an Astronaut, oleae listen to me. Please. Please. I beg you. If you give me a chance to be an Astronaut I will give it my best. I will be the best astronaut history has ever seen and ever will and that's a promise to you. So, will you please let me be one?

blah blah fuck me (metaphorically)

Today is Holi. I don't play it because I have several skin diseases. But I played this year.

The time I can remember is probably like somewhere in kindergarten or first grade where I went to His house. There were kids my age, so I played with them. I was wearing a green t-shirt and a white pleated skirt which had different colors like yellow or red in between the pleats.

Today was fun but we started playing truth and dare. The girls asked if I watched pornography, and I replied no even though I watch and edge almost every single day. They said I was lying, and I said I watched it on other people's phone as a kid which was not a lie tbh but anyway. They also asked if I had a first kiss and I said no hoping that this was true, but it was not. I said it as the image of him kissing me at his house with his doors locked so his mom didn't walk on us popped in my mind. His shoving his tongue inside my mouth and probably sucking and subtly biting on my lip. And then all tgd memories of him kissing me on my mouth popped up all at once and the last time he kissed me at fifteen years old where's he doing the sane actions as previously described but because I'm way taller now he's thrusting himself on me and rubbing his private part on mine. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm making all if this up and none of this happened which is such a pleasant thought, but it did happen. Sometimes I just want to tell my mom how much it bothers me. HOW MUCH. 

Also, I've started to hate myself so much because I watch the kind of porn where they mimic action, he did to me which is generally Japanese porn. I don't even watch the part where they actually have sex because he never raped me. But the thing is I come off on stuff that he did as a literal child, and I think it's so morally wrong. I don't know how to stop. Really. Everything is an addiction for me. Watching movies, eating, cutting, starving, watching porn, purposely doing activities that will harm me.

Also, today we were playing this thing where we play characters. I was the boy, and I was supposed to like marry this girl who came to see me and like the brainrot I am I started fake jerking myself and making weird faces with my tongue. One girl was kinda scared and the others though it was funny. I think I did a terrible thing. I feel like I wasn't even myself at the moment but a porn addict. I hate myself for that. One girl even said she'll never forget it. The others didn't comment so they definitely didn't like it and played it off as cool. I will never ever play the character of a boy ever again. 

Third of March

I FUCKING HATE MARCHHHHHHHHH. IF MARCH WAS A PERSON, I'D KILL THEM FOR NO SPECIFIC REASON. 

Anyway, Bristol just asked if I had Blogspot and being the shithead I am I said three. She wanted to read them. 

I've wanted people to read a few posts of my blogs (not all obviously) in a way they can relate and see that they're not the only one, but my second blog is mostly about ED and SH and this one about SA. It'd be embarrassing for me that people I know are aware of such things about me. It'd make me very vulnerable and attached to them like an addiction which is bad. Most of my posts are just impulsive thoughts. Also, another friend of ours, Melbourne, had similar experiences, I'm not specifically sure because no one ever told me, but she did have SH and ED and was SA'd too. Bristol knows about it. I won't say she's upset but it bothers her I believe. I wouldn't want someone to feel that way about me. I want everyone to think that I am a kind and funny person. 

I am also self-destructive at times although not as much I used to.