my wrist hurts so much that I want to cut it open

When I was in seventh grade , I had somehow injured my wrist. If I remember correctly someone had pushed me in school. That evening he came to our apartment as usual. Him and I went out to buy crepe bandage. The entire time his hand was around my shoulder. I was shorter than him in height and so his palm/hand was on my breast the entire time until we reached the shop. Probably on the way back too. He did that in public. It was normal.

Since I've come back home it's hard to sleep at night, especially in a room full of people. If I go to sleep alone someone comes to ask why am I sleeping alone and I get scared that it's him. He's the only thing on my mind. It's almost as if I don't have a mind,  it's just a collection of what he did to me. I'm so scared of him. Sometimes I just want to approach him on the street and simply ask why he did it. Was it me begging him to "love" me? Was every single thing that he did to me and I let him do was my fault even when I denied ?

My sister got her period a few days ago. When I got mine he was there in the house. He was always there. 

I went to Bristol's house. She probably saw my cuts. The last time I went was in late July of 2022 when I hadn't started cutting. This time my emotions were on my body. She hates me now I guess. I was very awkward to her family. I am a terrible person. She hates me.

My sister told my mom in my presence that a girl in her class says she's gonna cut herself and then proceeds to scratch herself. My sister tried to laugh it off and be dramatic. My mom told her to not do that that sort of stuff, ever.

My mom said I should've gotten stitches. My mom asked to see my cut. My mom tried to hug me. I don't like being touched. No one can ever fucking touch me. 

Lately when I think about him my vagina/whatever that is, hurts. It's like the pain you get in headaches and it hurts from like the inside. I might hace a possible uti tho, again or maybe PCOS/PCOD considered the amount of hair I grow everywhere except on my head.

My teddy bear, Bunny, apparently has it's leg torn, the stitches came off. It looks the same as my cut. I love him so much. He's always been there for me. Way more times than my parents ever were. He knows stuff about me. I love him so much. 

I hate body hair. 

Yesterday his mom came to visit us. She bought some stuff for us. I didn't even touch it. I had to touch her feet and make casual conversation out of "respect". She's such a terrible human being. Her son did that and she doesn't even give a fuck. Nobody gives a fuck. It's all fine. It's so casual to make an eleven year old strip themselves or kiss seven year olds while shoving your tongue in  their mouths or touching them however and wherever you want while the(mine) mom is literally less than five meters away having a conversation with your(his) mom. It's all so normal. I'm such an attention seeking whore still thinking about it even though it ended four years ago. I'm so lazy I blame all my failures on my past, on him. I should be a real women and start acting the way I should. Support my family. Things like these happen. They keep happening. They'll happen again and again and it'll always be my fault because I'm such a horrendous and vile person. I should stop victimizing myself when I was never even a victim. It's all my fault. I wanted it and when I realised it's wrong I blamed it on him. Typical me. I should be dead for blaming him and other innocent men who did "wrong" to me even though I wanted it the whole time. I'm such a bad person, I hope I fucking die. I hope I die soon so that I can stop more men from falling in my trap in the upcoming future. I'M A FUCKING HORRIBLE PERSON AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT. ITS ALWAYS MY FAULT. HE WAS  N O T  WRONG. HE WAS BEING NICE, HE SAID HE LOVED ME AND I WANTED IT AFTERALL. I WANTED IT SO BAD, NO AMOUNT OF ME DENYING HIM COULD STOP HIM FROM GIVING IT TO ME. THAT'S HOW PROMISCUOUS I AM.

i saw Him.

So I'm back at "home". I couldn't sleep last night as we all are supposed to sleep in the sane room so as to reduce electricity bill with the AC use. I can't sleep with anyone present in my room. I was restless. I couldn't sleep at night in the train either.

Today I thought of being a good sister and go fetch my younger duster from her extra class. I was contemplating to go or not. I finally went at 20:25 as my sister was supposed to return by 20:00. I saw him seconds after I saw my sister. He was coming back from work. He had grown boxz cut ig, with thus white or light blue shirt and grey pants with a bag. I saw him from the corner of my eye but it was him. Because I fucking froze. He paced, his head tilted because he had recognised me. He's so starvespo. I hadn't unpacked my cloths so I wore this jeans that I wore as a 13 year old and then a tshirt my mom bought for my sister. 

My weight is 56.6. I gained two kgs in the past month. My sister is 50 or 51 while my brother is 39. They both have grown so tall. I ate today, a lot. I have to be 80lbs by June. One month is enough to lose 40lbs or so. I need to kill myself. I saw him. Wow. Kill me.

Train Journey

Firstly very proud of myself for being able to carry all that stuff by myself and actually not missing the train. Tbe problem is the sheets and pillows are too dirty. I'm using my diet as a pillow. I accidentally stained the sheets. I should've worn pyjamas. Now I want to kms. I didn't use the washroom even once since I came on this train. I have an upper seat and I'm so scared to go down. You guessed it. Surrounded by men. Jeans is a very bad choice of clothing. I also wore shorts underneath even though it's uncomfortable but in hopes that it'll avoid staining. I want to kill myself.  I STAINED MY JEANS WOMP WOMP. FUCK YOU JEANS, BLSCK PYJAMAS I LOVE YOU.  Idk how I'll go home but let's see. I also have another underwear with a pan on in my package but I do not have the courage to take it out go down and change. I barely drank any water because I might get the urge to piss. I ate around 300 to 400gm of grapes and two bananas that were very raw. Goodbye I'll go sleep whomp whomp.

kys oreo

I hate oreooooo. 

I literally praised my period a few days ago how it doesn't hurt and it decided to be a bitch to me today like wth. I ate Ice cream thinking maybe sweet will help and guess what

I hate Oreos. As a kid they used to come in ten rupees packs 5 pieces per pack. I used to be so happy when mom bought them because compared to the offbrand versions or other biscuits they were expensive if taken per piece. But in 2021 I went to my maternal grandmother's place and I just couldn't eat more than four Oreos because of teeth sensitivity. The worst part being each piece of Oreo is around 50kcals like bruh wtf. For someone like me who eats like shit in one sitting, Oreo is nightmare fuel. I ate the Oreo flavoured cornetto today. I had it once when it first came and apart from being extremely high in calories it is terrible in taste and there is no flavour in the ice cream whatsoever. I hate you Oreos. Kys kys. My stomach hurts so bad. I went out with this pain to buy that expensive piece of shit only for it to turn out like this. Btw salted caramel is the best flavour of cornetto. I had that thrice in my lifetime and I loved it. I want to kms. Stomach hurts. I need to sleep. My body pains when I don't sleep even though I'm on the bed the entire day. I want to fucking end myself.

don't be nice to people

I try to be nice and really considerate of people but most if the time they either just use me or treat me poorly which upsets me. I try to be nice so that others are nice to be and word is a better place but maybe that's not how it works and that sucks. That sucks a lot. It took me effort to change and be a nice person and these people seem to be ruining it. I won't stop being nice but everytime someone treats me poorly or uses me I do become a little less kind. I don't know what us so respectable about being rude and having an attitude but that's sad. When I go to college I'll not talk to anyone and I'll not go out if my way to be nice because it just harna be in the end. Every damn time. People are shit.

I'm on my period and I want to kill myself, then everyone else.

Slept for like an hour. Didn't cry but I sang songs by flatsound and a few songs from self titled by twenty one pilots. Anyway, in one hour I slept I broke my earphones. They were like 

around ₹80. I will be on the train the whole day tommorow and even the next day. I checked my timings and it was from 5:30 am tommorow till 9:30 am on 21st. I feel like it's such a waste of a day. I could have watched anime too. Fuck fuck fuck. 

Also there's this weird feeling of not belonging anywhere. I'm kinda done with this place. The other day I had to print out the admit card and there were two boys there so I thought I'll wait even though there were computers free and I could have just excused myself. More boys came and I couldn't speak or move. Boys make me want to kill myself except my little brother. I didn't say my father because once I tried to chop my leg off once and have a scar on my leg because of it and he was one of the reasons why. Anyway. So. I don't feel like a sense of belonging anywhere. I'm tired of this place because whenever I go out I'm literally pacing or brisk walking which is attention seeking but I can't help it. In my room it's just meh. What I do like is that I can be more of myself than I can be at home. Going back home seems unwelcomed plus it's the least safe space for me also HE lives there and idk how I'd react on seeing him after feeling rather safe (from him) because I will see him atleast on the road. I feel like my mom's the kind of person who'd ask me to forget about (not even forgive him kinda stuff just forget) it when he gets married or has a kid. Because my mom has done something similar in the past. I was somewhere between nine to eleven years and I had visited my maternal grandparents. I had found out she had a bangle with her and dad's name written on it with crystal stuff. I really liked it. There was a house near our grandparents were a family lived with two daughters and one son. They're all atleast ten years older than me if not fifteen or twenty. Anyway I took it to show it to the daughters who were my sisters. Their bother came and asked to see I declined and said it belongs to my parents so I won't let him touch it because it's theirs. He snatches it from me and in the process broke it. I started crying. The while thing was blamed on me and how I am the one who broke it and I should have given him because he just wanted to see and how u should ask for forgiveness and how I behaved bad when the brother was definitely around twenty or even older. He's not bad he's okay but it's just that my mom chooses society and "family" and "relations" before me and will then bullshit ridicule with me how much she loves me. If she loves me, it's not in a way I understand. 

I'm too scared to go back home. Also my family has been doing well. I told you about my sister yesterday but my brother has also improved academically and they both take karate and swimming lessons and some more stuff. My dad has struggled with poor dental health his whole life and he found a good doctor since I went and his teeth has improve significantly. My mom says dropping off my siblings to so many classes provides her with physical exercise which will help her lose weight. I feel like I'll just go and destroy this perfect family. A sense I don't belong. There's this picture of my siblings with my parents in the balcony where they look so perfect. I was at school back then. I feel like my ugly fat self would just ruin the picture. Also, I don't think I'll be able to eat properly when I go home because I saw my back yesterday which has significantly more fat than my front part. Like when I suck in my stomach you can see three to four ribs but there were lines on my back probably fat. I've gained weight from all that binge eating of the previous month. A few girls in the hostel have been catching on to this because they ask me to eat with them and I say I'll go later but I never do. I had to eat dinner last night and the girl was like you're gonna take more, right? The worst part is when I try to lose weight and people catch on to it but I still don't lose weight because if I did I could probably eat normally at times and show them that I actually eat meanwhile also actively losing weight. My highest weight was 62 kgs . Probably 62.8 but I'll still consider 62. I remember telling myself that I'll kill myself if I get over 60 kg. Then it changed to 55 kg. My new goal weight is 80lbs which is 36.2 kgs. It's probably how much my brother weighs. It'd be funny because my sister and I share clothes because she can fit into my clothes although they are big on her sometimes. Anyway so it'll be my sister and I sharing cloths and my brother and I sharing weight. It's a sibling bond right there. Plus there's this lady in our apartment who had arthritis and she said if I'm not mistaken that her lowest weight was 37 kgs and my gw is lower than that and I'm taller than her too which would make my BMI much lower, 12.9. Almost 13. I don't know my exact height but it's probably 5'6" or 167.7 cms. The thing im most excited and simultaneously scared about about going back home ia checking my weight. It's been almost ten months. 

Reader because you're somewhat of my friend too I want to share the songs I've been listening to lately like Bristol shares with me. 

1. Literally any song by twenty one pilots ever available on Spotify and : 

my favourite being drown. 

2. Flatsound: these are my favourites by him and by that I mean I want to write songs like this. All of them. Especially " They'll like me when I'm sick" because he's 19 when he records that and I'm nineteen too and it's kinda relatable. The part about father hit me so hard when I heard it first. "If your father could see the mess you made he wouldn't like it very much" reminded me of the time I tried to chop my my leg as mentioned earlier. Sometimes I just want to be like coldnessinmyheart. I've seen every picture she posted. That what I did in May ig two or maybe three years ago. But it was May, summer vacation, and that's how I chose to spend it. They weren't triggered to me if I remember correctly and she too had a big slice of her left leg cut. But like it was way deep. Anyway here's flatsound:

3. Teen Suicide: 

I have listened to their other stuff and these are the ones I like the most:

 I'll continue this later. My mom called. She told me to study well because college fees is too high and she checked it a few days ago. Like too high. Like sometimes the price doesn't even make me want to go to college. All I do is oversleep and starve or cry and be an insomniac. I'm sorry mom I'm not the kid you wanted or deserved.

As a kid I really wanted my parents to be proud of me. When I was deep in my sh I remember my parents saying they just wanted me to live and they'd be happy with whatever path I choose but that was not true. For them or for me. Everytime I talk to someone lately I have a huge urge to cut on my arms again. Shaving my arms makes my scars more visible. Maybe that's the reason why people stare or maybe I'm just attention seeking. Sometimes I feel like someone will come across this blog read through all this shit and said I was an attention seeking ehore with a victim complex and that would hurt, personally.

The only reason I live is to be an astronaut and the day I realise I can't be one whatever reason it is will be one one the worst days someone in the entire existence has ever observed and I'd kill myself and I have my ways. Imagine clinging onto a hope to live for several years just for it to fail. How tragic. 

I want to be able to write songs like flatsound and twenty one pilots. 

Twenty one pilots is more subtle but impactful but then flatsound has the truthfulness yet poety and emotion and even anger if I must say. Teen suicide has the emotion and voice that's almost portraying feeling an emotion. Only if my songs were a cry for attention like : omg she cvts herself 🥺 those catscratchs really show her pain, definitely a very severe case, someone call the ward" or " omg you st4rv3d for two whole hours??? Should we invite Bella Hadid?" Saw the last one on Twitter used being often and it makes me laugh sometimes.  Anyway I'll go. Bye.

I'm going back home :):

So yea, I haven't written in a few days because I've been doing okay! I only write here when I'm like crying like hell and shit. Also want to clarify that both my parents are actually really nice. So are my friends like Bristol, Melbourne and Germany. I do have have other friends too and they're also very nice. But yeah my 12th grade class teacher, that one girl who troubled me a lot, HIM and the others, and a few more bad people are actually shit. What I mean to say is that even though I might talk shit about people I'm supposed to love, I still love them at the end of the day. Also body acne you can go fuck yourself, I have more than enough on my face.

This post is about my breast size. They aren't equal. Like what the fuck. My right one is bigger and I feel like it has gotten more bigger. I've slep on my left side almost my entire life because dad saic ut helps with digestion and I feel like it may be a factor. Also I don't know if I wrote about it here but sometime ago I had accidently touched my breasts (I only touch them in the shower to wash them) and they felt somewhat hard. Like idk a ball type thing. I also started my period today and I've noticed since I camd here my period has kinda changed. Like earlier it used to be liquids and clumps but now it's just really sticky discharge and it's kinda really opaque and it's brown. Earlier it was red or maroon red. I really want to see a doctor but obviously I've scared to go there, in general, plus if my past experience plus it's embarassing and I'd rather die. Also I have a lot of body hair so I am suspecting shit like PCOS abd POCD and like in highschool I remember many of my classmates had it but idk bro. Also my sister won an award, she's also a captain and she draws really well and I'm not jealous but I feel like because I'm the older one thus was expected of me and I've failed my parents as a child. That's all,  I'm personally very happy for my sister and the fact she's becoming achieving stuff but I hope she isn't pressurised a lot. 

Lastly, it's a bit weird but my breasts make the logo of twenty one pilots and when I was sixteen on 14th of January 2022.  I carved the twenty one pilots logo on the back of my wrist. It's a scar now. I will include pictures and this is a trigger warning if you don't want to see all that. Also I carved a logo from their trench era on my other arm but it was more like a catscratch rather than a styro so I won't post that. 

Yes I have body hair but I did shave it all of this Sunday with a razor to feel more feminine maybe that's the reason I feel okay lately. I'd very much like to get rid of facial hair and acne too as well. As well as my weight , I guess losing weight could help my breasts too.

can you believe he asked THAT?

My uncle called. He had a son this year in early February. He has a daughter who was born in 2017. He called to ask how I felt when my sister was born. Did I feel neglected and stuff I told him yea for a while but then I had to take care of her and so I feel more like a guardian rather than an actual sibling and that's how our relation developed for me. I had to be there to protect her and take care of her and possibly fulfil her needs such as hunger and stuff. He also asked if I felt I was loved less and I said not really because I knew mom had to take care of her but I lied to him. 

HE used to tell me he LOVES me unlike the way he portrays love to my sister and I felt like there was atleast someone who loved me more but obviously that's not true. But that kept me happy for a while. He loved me. He said he loved me. HE SAID HE LOVED ME.

EAT THIS UP YOU FUCKING PIG

Why can't I eat normally. Ice been binging fast food since almost a week now or more. I only eat junk food. I had to shit today. Fucking terrible. Why do I eat. Why. Why. Why. I need to FUCKING STARVE. I HATE HAVING A BODY. I HATE HAVING BREASTS SND I HATE MY THIGHS. I'VE HATED MY CALVES AND STOMACH SINCE I WAS LIKE EIGHT. FUCKING FAT, NEVER. I NEED TO BE THIN. I WANT TO BE BEST ANA. I WANT TO BE ANA HERSELF. I CAN'T EVEN PURGE THE SHUT I EAT BECAUSE ITS FUCKING EXPENSIVE FOOD. I YATE MYSELF. I EAT SO MUCH. 

please kill me.

I've tried washing my hands since then but I can't wash of the filth in them. I am becoming like him. 

I put a fraction of the same actions I went though almost half my life on a good person. 

I traumatized everyone I like. These kids were nice to me, why did they do to deserve this? I hate myself. I am not kidding when I tell you I want to chop off my palms. I repeated his actions. I am a terrible person. I deserve to die. I hate myself. I'll start cutting myself again to pay for this horrible act I've committed today. I should feel the pain I cause on others. Pain is what keeps me human. It keeps me, me.

Anyone who ever touchs me is a horrible person. The incoming text was my Bristol. Bristol and mom don't know I'm becoming a monster euth each passing day. Hope I can end myself soon.

it's me, I'm the problem.

So I have a copy of"a little life" and "the pearl that broke it's she'll" in my room. Two girls cane to my room to randomly chat. This one girl was flipping through the books and found this bookmark I made two years ago. I had written about killing myself and I had oeinred it with blood and there were prints of my cuts on that bookmark. Stuff about killing myself. Nobody really goes through stuff like these, not even my mom do I didn't care much. Now this girl grabbed this bookmark, and I was so panicked I resched to grab it from her hand but she raised her hand instead and I accidentally grabbed her breast. This us horrible. Both of them played it cool. I eventually stepped back and she gave me the bookmark and I tore it abd threw it. I apologised several times but obviously that doesn't reverse the fact that I actually groped her. I definitely did not do this purposely and it was a mere accident. I don't know if I should genuinely kill myself because I did something bad to an innocent person that had previously happened to me. I swore I would not repeat his actions to take out my anger but am I becoming like him? I won't give her anything because it would be bribing, like how he tried to offer me his burger that day

 So no, I can oly ask for forgiveness or ask her to hurt me back. I am becoming bad. I am so sorry. My father was right, I am a MONSTER.

Told my mom about this and she said it's okay, not to apologise so much. I hate myself.

Eating dis order

I'm not saying I have a confirmation eating disorder but I do have something which is KILLING me, literally. I either starve or eat myself to death. And I don't eat eat healthy food, I'm a junkorexic. Since the beginning of April I had successfully started myself and I bet I even lost some weight, I could feel it but then since Saturday, when I broke my fast early, I've been eating. A lot. On Saturday it was okay. Not too much. Sunday I went out as I probably mentioned and I ate. Yesterday I ate lunch in my dorm hoping it would perish my hunger. But it didn't so I ordered food online. And I ate. I ate like a pig. I'm sure I still ate less than 2000 cals, not sure about 1200. But I ate. Today I had to starve myself upto 10 days. I even posted about it on an ed space I am on the internet. I was so hungry since morning. I tried to not think about food. I did again order online. At 11. My family does not have enough money to fund me eating food outside and not eating the hostel food they pay for. Teh hostel food is so bland lately it's barely food. I know I'm being a brat but I should rather use my calories on something I'd like. There's so much more. This post might seem like I'm an entitled brat who's posting as someone with a severe condition but believe me I am suffering in someway. I'm sorry.

The thing is, this hunger, is not for food. It's almost as if I want to eat until I physically cannot. I don't eat food to enjoy or give myself energy, I eat to satisfy that hunger. I eat until I actually puke, which is way disgusting. I cannot even sit irl which is why I shit on this blog with these posts. I need to do something about this. I have to. 

I try to sleep all day so as to skip meals. I do stay up all night and there is no way I can eat or drink anything except water and green tea. Maybe breakfast if I'm too hungry. Anyway it's 12:30 pm and I hope to FINALLY starve because all the fucking expensive food I ordered was absolutely Dogshit. 

P.S. the day I stop simping (mostly over men, mostly Takeshi Kaneshiro) is the day I achieve what Buddha achieved ( forgot the term, was it Nirvana? ). 

I'm good.

I went out today. It's currently 13:41. I liked it. Today is an eating day. I'll fast from tonight again uptil Sunday morning. I'll try. I got a new pair of super cheap earphones. I'm listening to Lil Peep after MONTHS. Probably a year. I can't listen to him openly. Or maybe I did listen to him. It's been a while anyway. He's so perfect. Love his songs. He's my favourite. I like him more than twenty one pilots. My eyes were so swollen from crying all night I had to wear sunglasses to video call mom. I got a new mascara and yes the old one was dried. I ate this ice cream that I used to eat as I kid. I was avoiding it but it was the only mango flavour in the shop. Green tea bags on face is nice. It's so healing. 

Goodbye for now, I'm so okay. My skincare stuff seems to be working too. 

FUCK. I'M JUST LISTENING TO NINETEEN. I remember being fifteen and thinking I'll listen to it on my nineteenth birthday. This really is my last year as a teen although I'm an adult now? Idk. Imma have a couple million when I'm 21.

I WANT TO CUT MYSELF

I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF I WANT TO CUT MYSELF. I WANT TO CUT MYSELF.

I can't keep it in anymore. Really.

Timothee Chalamet is genuinely a good actor

I forgot to mention that in one of my previous posts so it's the title for this one. 

I skeep all say and stay away all night. It's 3:56 am. I can't stop crying. Lately I've began to hate my mother. Hate Her. Hate is a strong word. She keeps visiting his house. She still keeps relations with his family. If she even had an ounce of 'love' for me she would know that how much it hurts me. I even asked her once after building up a lot of courage to not go visit my aunt but guess what she said? " But she's your aunt". He has an elder brother who still visits us. I hate them all. All of them. His elder brother has a kid and I can't seem to like her. Rather I feel scared for her. What if he dies this to her too? I hope not. I really do hope not. 

My mom was telling me how she bought be diamond earrings for my sixteenth birthday but they mean NOTHING to me. What I wanted was her to believe me. Deep inside it's not even an issue for her. Another good thing that would coume out of me being raped by him would be that she would probably take it seriously. Like goddamn it your daughter all of a sudden cuts herself, isolates herself, doesn't eat, doesn't talk, chops off her hair purposely to make herself uglier. Aaah yesss!!  Just likd the fucking Facebook posts said!!!! My daughter will dislike me in her teenage years because it's her hormones!!!!!  NI MOM IT'S NOT MY HORMONES IT'S YOU. IT'S FUCKING YOU. 

I'm tierd of crying every single night. I'm so tired. And I yearn for someone to live me but I know that's not possible. My mom said she'd find someone to marr6me, an arrange marriage. I will be forced to love him. Is thag even love at that point? My mom doesn't know me, she doesn't know how I feel. If she ever chooses a husband he would not be right for me, I just know. It would be a traditional marriage of putting up with one another. I don't want that. I want to experience love, even if it exists at this point. The only thing I have to give is my virginity and I want to give it to someone I fucking love. Not dome guy. I still think about that event that happend during Holi where this girl won't let the other girls apply colour on her chest because she wanted to save it for her husband among the list of other things and I was so incredibly jealous. Plus she's pretty too. It reminds me that seventeen year old virgin from no longer human. I yearn to be pure, to be untouched. What did I do to deserve this? It's ruining my life. Or maybe it's just an excuse. But then, an excuse for what? I mean I genuinely hate him so much, so much, I have no words. I want to hurt him. I want to hurt him so bad. I want him to feel PAIN. Iwant him to know what it feels like to be ashamed of oneself. I want him to hurt himself. I want him to cut his fucking arteries and still survive because I want him to suffer. But it's real world so I might be at the receiving end, again. No one will ever love me. Ever. 

I forgot to mention: there's a gym between his and our house. That's it. Anyway so in the middle of March or around that time I was on a call with my mom and I saw that she was bear the gym. I was so happy and asked her stuff about it and she said she'll join from Aril blah blah. I asked her about it almost everyday. She said shd was 90 kgsvanc do she had to do it. Cut to April, I ask my mom how was her first day at gum and she says she has got her period. I believed it. I ask her on the fourth when her period was supposed to be over. I ask her. She says she didn't join one. She was coming back from his house. She lied. I cried on the call in front of her. She says she did no wrong. She didn't lie about going to the gym, she just went alone with it. She thought it was funny. I was happy for her. I was hopeful for her. Why would she do this to me? She lied to me. She lied. She's a liar. She lied to me. She hurt my feelings. It's almost as if she was taking revenge on me for still cutting myself after she told md not to. 

Tho(ugh)ts

I just thought the title was funny. I started reading call me by your name. I wanted the book and it would arrive on 9th April but cash on delivery was not available and I had to pay online which I obviously won't because whomp whomp, no money. I downloaded a pdf from archive.org. The book is so much better. The book is always better. I haven't finished reading it. I'm at the scene where Oliver pinches Elio in front of his friends. I'm so desperate. If I was a man I'd definitely be gay. Maybe that's why I'm a girl because the Indian society wouldn't accept me, even though the LGBTQ community is working hard. Plus Indian boys act so gay around each other without even trying like I would be misinterpreting signs like crazy. I once read this reddit post once how this south-asian man, probably Vietnamese, visited India and how boy were acting so "touchy?" Around him. He was gay for context do he came on reddit to ask of these men were hitting on him or are Indian boys just this "intimate"? I remember one of the comments probably saying that if he acts on it the people will beat him up which is actually true. Even here, whenever I go out I see boys holding hands, waists, keeping hands around shoulders,even smacking butts publicly, also their favourite: cursing. I mean in such a huge country there are ought to be people who are NOT straight. I think it's the conservative nature and religious beliefs that holds back people from being their true self. Maybe if I was a man he wouldn't hurt me or maybe he would. He's a monster afterall, he'd do anything. Anyway, back to reading.

BROOOO I JUST FOUND THE ENTIRE MOVIE OF CALL ME BY YOUR NAME ON A PORN WEBSITE. DON'T ASK ME HOW. I JUST DID. I'M WHEEZING. 

lmao

My bro misbehaved so mom stopped talking to him. She called me rn and asked if she should forgive my brother and I said no and my brother started saying that he asked her to call her mom not me because I'm (censored). My mom said the eldest daughter is like a mother like lmao if any of my siblings ever got assaulted even slightly, the fucker who did that wouldn't see light the next day. No way I'm as worthy to be a mom. I mean i would NEVER take my children to someone's house who assaulted one of my OWN kids for YEARS in my presence. My mom is so delulu but that is not the solulu lol. No mom, never, EVER compare me to you, I will never be as worthy as you, you deserve a medal for ignorance. 🩷

I see this clip of a mom who shot her seven year old daughter's rapist in the court and that is the kind of person, not mom but literally person I aspire to become. I really do hate my mom sometime, even my dad when I think about it. Yea they're nice but were they there for me when I needed them the most? No.

 I remember it was 26th of March, 2022. Beginning of 12th grade. I had already missed atleast four days of school. I was at my maternal grandmother's house. The morning I came back I probably had school, not sure tho. My mom was telling me how I've ruined myself and that I'll never get a job and no one will like me blah blah at seven in the morning after we got off the train all the way back until we reached home and then Bristol texts me at the same time how she doesn't like Melbourne taking about her self harm blah blah. And honestly at that moment I felt so alone and isolated. My own mom doesn't like me and the friend which I thought I had would never accept me. It really did set the tone for the entire year, my last year of highschool and if there was a little room for self improvement, my class teacher who I actually liked when I was younger and this other FUCKING girl who got slapped on my tenth birthday ruined it. On my tenth birthday my art teacher slapped that fucker because she was talking in class, back then, I felt sad because it was my birthday and I wanted people to be happy. That girl got a fever from that slap. I feel like it was a post- birthday gift for me because God do i hate her. She made my life miserable even though I actually NEVER did anything wrong to her or anyone. I used to be by myself and read novels at times but this bitch had some audacity. As per for my class teacher I feel like she just wanted to push people towards suicide, she was born to do that. I try not to use slurs towards her because even though she might be an extremely horrible person in my eyes I respect her job.

Do you like the people you love?

My mother doesn't like me. I feel it. The only reason she loves me is because she gave birth to me, she gave a part of herself to me and she loves that part of herself in me instead of me. I feel it so often lately. Why didn't she believe me. Why did she say I was lying? Why would I lie? Why did I had to convince her for probably an hour that something happened to me? Why wouldn't she acknowledge when I tried to tell her about my past? Why did she only slap him? Why does she still visit his family where he literally lives? Why does she still force me to associate with the rest of his family members? Why does she hide it? Am I such a shame? Why does she shame me for cutting myself? Isn't she my mother? I just want her to like me.

As a kid she used to tell me she's tierd of me and someday a new mom will come and will be harsh on me. Sometime later I saw her change and since that day it didn't feel like she's my mom. She wore dark green that day.

At times I feel the opposite of hollow. He's touched me everywhere but left my virginity intact. Hollow on the outside. Sometimes I feel like cutting parts of me that he touched and give it to him in a transparent bag and let him do whatever he wants with it. 

I'm so passively suicidal. If I could kill myself in a situation which would be framed as an accident I would but sometimes I want people to know that I killed myself. I did this to myself. And it was not because I was mentally ill or something but someone, or rather some people did things to me that my action of suicide was rather a collective murder by them. 

In another universe my mom likes me. 

Nobody likes me. I don't like anyone. I don't like my parents because they NEVER understood how it affects me. I don't like my siblings because I feel so detached from them I feel like I can never be their "sibling" but rather some form of parent who is not a parent. Just a caretaker, a provider. I feel so jealous of the bond my sister and brother share because I will never have a similar bond with either of them. I don't like my friend Bristol because she would never accept me for the things I did to myself and I don't blame her for it. I don't like my friend Melbourne because to her I'm like a poster "9th grade bestfriend" that's all I am to her. She doesn't see the present me and it hurts because I still think of her at times someone I could be friends with because Melbourne used to say she relates to Charlie (perks of being a wallflower) but she never told me anything, she did tell Bristol and probably our other friends too. In highschool sometimes I saw cuts on Melbourne and I used to go back home and immediately cut myself in the bathroom and made sure my cuts were twice as deep as hers. Once I went and just fucking slashed both my thighs. I really want to get back to cutting lately, it's such a friend, a relief. But I know I'll get worse than before and it'll be harder to stop and harder to hide. Cutting is a best friend. Sometimes the big scar on my left thing hurts and I know I'm deeply upset. Sometimes I hate that scar and I want to cut it off my skin and sometimes I think the scar is what makes me. It's a part of me, likd a tattoo. 

Lately I've been getting envious of twenty one pilots because I want to have the kind of friendship that they have. I want to express my emotions how Tyler Joseph does in his songs but I can't. I hate it.

Takeshi Kaneshiro

He's so pretty it's surreal. He's like a piece of art, maybe a melody, a ray of sunshine on a snowy winter morning. His beauty cannot be seen but just felt.

I know I say I don't judge based people off their looks and that everyone is beautiful and what matters most is a person's character but some people are just meant to be admired. Timothee Chalamet is like a statue sculpted by the Romans. If he was a statue he would be my favourite, I'd like him more than David by Michelangelo. Timothee Chalamet is so surreal. 

Some people are so pretty I want to hold their faces in my palms and look at them for hours on end like this boy in my class. I thought he used to look like Timothee. I asked another girl and she said they look completely different. Maybe this boy in my class has a fair complexion somewhat curly messy hair and a sharp jawline. He was pretty, I used to look at him. I'll never see him again. 

There was another boy who used to sometimes sit next to me. I liked his voice so much. I have his voice memorised in my head. When I feel nervous during tests i wish myself all the best in his voice. If I was Ursala I would steal his voice. Onece he literally said a curse which was eight words long and I literally couldn't believe it that a voice as angelic as his could also curse, I thought he was different, I thought he doesn't curse unlike the other boys. I was wrong. I'll never forget them. It's not like I have a crush on them I just liked certain things about them. The Timothee looking boy is excellent at maths, I wanted him to help me with it but why would he? This is a competitive exam afterall. We're competitors. I just wish someone would teach me maths. I want to love maths. 

Sometimes, I wish I had something likeable about me. I am trying to improve my sense of humour but I can't stop cringing about it. The more movies I watch the more I notice how silent the characters are. I watched this movie with Takeshi Kaneshiro in it. It's called "First Love Litter on the Breeze" and was released in 1997. He's so pretty. Sometimes I just want to learn Cantonese and Mandarin to just understand him without subtitles although I have other reasons too. Last time I tried to learn Chinese I got scared by "tones". I really want to learn Chinese but also polish and Greek and Latin and ductch and Italian and Navajo and so much more. I want to be able to speak all the languages. Why must I be mediocre?

M A S C A R A

FUCKK. SO. I bought this Maybelline sky high mascara in the shade cosmic black. I may be 19 but I've rarely used makeup. This mascara was manufactured last year in June. I think it's dried out. Because when I tried to put it on it formed clumps on my eyelashes. So, I thought of replacing it because it might have dried out. When I went on the app though they said I had to talk to customer service, gladly it was a female, but she was so professional. Like it was 8:11 am when I called now it's 8:18. I started with "good morning", but she didn't really reply. Also, I told her my issue and she said she is gonna check the photo and see if she can do anything. I sent her this pic:

Like I think it's dried out but anyway I was not sure because I've never used it, so I blatantly ask her " Hey! I've never really used a mascara before but like I think you do, do you really think it's dried out" and she kinda went to say something but then just said something idk very professional and then said I cannot return this but I will get a new one which I think is a win-win but like reader, do you think it's dried out?

She said I might have to give additional charges though which scares me. Also, I did say thank you have a nice day, but she just responded with "can I help you with something ma'am?" Also, I was also referring to her as ma'am because you know she's definitely older than me. Also, she got a nice voice. I said no and she said " have a nice day" again in a professional voice. I feel so dumb. In 2022 I was on a train go to my tuition and it was late May and I saw this woman who has SH scars and cigarette burns. My scars were very prominent back then, fresh. Also, I never thought that people actually cut here. It was my first time seeing a person irl with SH scars and I felt very validated and represented so while getting down I went up to her and showed her my scars and she probably smiled? Like why am I so fucking creepy? I need to be prosecuted. Customer service ma'am, I'm sorry.

I want what they have.

I just applied my skincare and I'm trying not to cry. Do I need to sell my soul to be in friendship like that of Tyler Joseph and Joshua William Dun. I'm crying.